Dear Dallas Weather: Stop trying to be Seattle. If we wanted to live in Seattle, we'd buy a train, fill it with enough Bob Armstrong queso to last us a lifetime and drive it there. But we don't want that. We want to live in Dallas: the land of patio weather and tornadoes 'n' shit. But this spitting rain stuff has got to go. The tulips are pissed. The marigolds are taking antidepressants. It's time for the fucking sunshine to start sun-shining already.
You've already probably heard the "It's gonna rain all the time, only we're not exactly sure which all-the-time times, but definitely cancel your outdoor plans for at least the 10-day" forecasts. But have you heard them as '90s pop music hits? No. No you have not.
Behold: Your 5-day Dallas Forecast as '90s Pop Music Hits
Thursday night: Jewel "Foolish Games/You Were Meant For Me"
There's a 40 percent chance of rain, and a 100 percent chance you'll be crying into your green tea again tonight because of this depressing ass weather. Do: Put on your coat in the pouring rain. Don't: Go see a movie. It just won't be the same. It's time for the dang sun to get its shit together. More »