Your 5-Day Dallas Forecast as Movie Villains

Categories: Weather

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Looks like your weekend is about to get T-1000ed.
Sure, you know it's raining and today has a general crapturdness about it, weather-wise. But what does the rest of the week have in store? We're so glad you asked. We've got the best 5-day forecast in Dallas for you, right here.

Behold: Your 5-day forecast as Movie Villains.

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It's Been Raining in Dallas for a Couple Hours Straight, Better Shut This Shit Down

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Alice Laussade
Doppler be trippin'.
Yesterday, it rained on and off for the whole day. And today, it appears that the rain is here to stay all day. Look for that text about your kid's school closing. It's only a matter of time.

Upon hearing that school districts were considering closing early due to "heavy rain conditions and the threat of more rain and a possible snowflake (which we'll name #snowflakemageddon)," I spoke with some school districts to get more texture about the reasoning behind closings.

First, I called, RISD, the school district my daughter attends.

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Rain, Sleet, Snow All Expected in Dallas Today, Because the World Is Weird

Categories: Weather

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National Weather Service
Things aren't looking good. Again.
If the National Weather Service is to be believed, Dallas will receive further proof that climate change is a lie created, just like the internet, by former vice president Al Gore.

After an arctic front moves through North Texas overnight Tuesday, rapidly dropping temperatures will be accompanied by freezing rain, sleet and snow, the NWS says. The Winter Weather Advisory officially kicks in at 3 p.m. Wednesday, and will remain in effect until noon on Thursday.

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Weather Update: Dallas Almost Shut Down by Nominal Amount of Snow

Categories: Weather

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Google Maps
I believe the scientific term is clusterfuck.
Lest you have any illusions about Dallasites' becoming less car dependent or more adept at driving in winter weather, here's the Google traffic map for the city as of about noon (the red is bad, very, very, bad). And heaven forbid you think about taking an Uber. As of writing, UberX prices in Oak Lawn are running 6.5 times the normal rate.

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This Weekend's Dallas Weather Forecast Calls for Snow, Ice, Other Assorted Peril

Categories: Weather

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Markus Bernet
Dallas on Saturday
As foretold by Saint Delkus the Wise' Monday prophecy, Dallas is going to get some more shitty weather, starting this morning. The National Weather Service has issued a Winter Weather Advisory for most of North Texas, including Dallas County, that predicts up to two inches of snow on Friday, then freezing rain and accumulating ice on Saturday.

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Pete Delkus Claims to Be Able to Close Dallas Schools. Can He Make Them Better Too?

Categories: Weather

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WFAA
Wait. Is he describing that storm or directing it?
Don't say we didn't warn you. WFAA weather personality Pete Delkus, in the form of his odd new smoking-jacket and cigar accessorized avatar, has announced what we've known for quite some time. He can, and does, control the weather.


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Oh, the Horror. The Slush of #SLEETSHOW2015 Has Taken Over Dallas

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Listen. This is Texas. The roads in this state should not look like the time we accidentally left the freezer open all weekend, and returned only to close it and look away, hoping for the best. The best is not what happened, though -- it was instead the very worst -- because closing the freezer created a frozen block of crumbly fish sticks that took days to chip away.

And it seems now the city will have to be chipped away at too, because the roads do look a lot like that freezer mess. The onslaught of #SLEETSTORM2015 layered the city with about a zillion inches (or one -- no one knows for sure) of slush.

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Surviving #SLEETSHOW2015: A Sleet Day Parenting Guide

Categories: Weather

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All of the schools are closed. You find yourself stuck at home with your own children.

They want to go outside and run in the sleet, but you have been told by various important weather outlets that #SLEETSHOW2015 is no joke, and that going outside can only mean certain death.

Luckily, we have a plan to help you make it through this Sleet Day horror of horrors. And it's just five easy steps.

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Dallas Will Get More Crap Weather Late This Week, Because Mother Nature Hated Birdman

Categories: Weather

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Can Turk
Behold, the weather god.
Dallas' most favored weather oracle, Saint Delkus the Wise, brings news that later this week North Texas shall again be the object of God's wrath.

Yes, later this week, after having been given the briefest of respites following the plague of #sleetshow2015, Dallas will again face the trauma of weather that is, you know, kinda bad and sorta unpleasant to get out in.

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BREAKING WEATHER NEWS: Ice Stuff Falls From Sky, City Completely Shuts Down #SLEETSHOW2015

Categories: Weather

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As Lil Jon would say, "AawwwsleetsleetsleetsleetAAawwwsleetsleetsleetsleet"
Local weather forecasters including Pete Delkus, CBS11Larry, and your mama predicted that sleet would rain down upon us all last night, and it sure did. (For my fellow Native Texans, "sleet," of course, in meteorological terms is the petulant baby that is created when snow and rain do The Nasty.) A thin layer of ice greets us all this morning, and in Dallas, this can only mean one thing: Everyone, it's time to shut down everything until it hits 70 degrees again. Do not step outside. Do not open your curtains. Do not put on Daytime Clothes. Just shut. It. Down. And if you have the luxury to do so, please panic.

Welcome to #SLEETSHOW2015. I hope you enjoy the freaked-out Facebook status that your aunt already posted at 5 a.m. of her iced-over car windshield. And won't it be fun to see what over 600 schools write down when it's time to record their reason for closing? Will they write, "Got kinda scared of clouds," or "Too cold for flip flops," or simply, "SCREAM NOISE!!!" Can't write "snow day" because there's no dang snow. Our kids are staying home from school having a Sleet Day, for crapssakes. That's not even a thing.


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