Today Marks the Beginning of the End of Dallas' Great Summer

Categories: Weather

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Artist's depiction of the city of Garland

So, Dallas, that was the summer of our lifetimes. Today marks the day where average temperatures begin to drop, continuing their inevitable decline towards whatever horrors Winter 2014 has in store for us. Let's not focus on the inevitable entombment of Dallas in ice quite yet, though. Let's think to ourselves about the last few months, and how they were actually pleasant.

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Polar Vortex 2: Electric Boogaloo

Categories: Weather

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Catherine Downes
A group of people who have just been told about the temperatures this week. USA! USA! USA!

That was a crap weekend, wasn't it? Well it was if, unlike me, you went outside at all. The outside is over for all of us until Texas bucks its ideas up. Guess what though? Texas is about to buck its ideas up.

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Dallas Weather: See You All Tomorrow For the #Stormpocalypse

Categories: Weather

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Mike Brooks
Stormclouds gather. Note: not actual picture of current Dallas situation.

I don't know if you can analyze weather like what I can (I also type good) but if you've even glanced at one of those funny colored-in maps they have out there on those weather stations, you'll be aware that tomorrow is going to look very bright. Bright in the brightly-colored map sense, not in the summertime sense.

What I'm trying to say is, we're all going to die.

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Dallas Weather: DELIVER US FROM THE HEAT, POLAR THINGY

Categories: Weather

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WFAA

So, what are you doing right now? You're inside, right? You might be living inside a fridge, or lying, face down, by an air vent, or maybe having an angry fight with a fellow employee over the thermostat. It's probably one of those things. Well, that's only going to get worse this weekend, so forget that whole outside thing, unless you enjoy the feeling of being set on fire by the sun.

Next week, however. Next week could be the most glorious week of any Texas summer ever.

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Your Dallas Summer Forecast: Searing Pain

Categories: Weather

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Texas Parks and Wildlife Department
This was once Lake Lewisville.

That's right, Dallas. Apparently Saturday marks the first day of Summer, according to Delkus anyway, which means no further research is necessary. All this can possibly mean is discomfort, sunburn, pain, short fuses, and an inevitable exquisitely painful death.

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El Niño Is Coming and It's Going to Be Good for North Texas

Categories: Weather

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National Weather Service
El Niño is coming. Don't run for your life.

The National Weather Service and International Research Institute for Climate and Society at Columbia University announced Friday that the groups were bumping their estimation of the likelihood of a summer El Niño this year to 70 percent.

Depending on where you get your online news, this was either potentially fantastic or a warning to leave Earth on the first available shuttle.

Unfair Park had no idea what to think. We remembered that El Niño was a thing and that it sounded ominous, but we had no idea why it happened or what it would mean for North Texas' climate. To remedy our ignorance, we got in touch with Dan Huckaby, a meteorologist at the National Weather Service's Fort Worth office and an expert on the causes and effects of El Niño and its sister phenomenon La Niña.

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Of All the Places in Dallas to Do the Weather, Al Roker Chose the Goddamned Bronze Cattle

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It could only have been fate that steered me to Al Roker this morning. Just one week after I changed the route of my Farmers Market-to-Oak Lawn bike commute, shifting from one plowing straight through Downtown and McKinney Avenue to one skirting the edges past City Hall and Victory Park, there he was, standing in the shade of a Live Oak in Pioneer Plaza, waiting for the cameras to roll. What had seemed an impulsive need for a change of scenery suddenly seemed like the tug of an invisible hand, guiding me toward the prime deity of American meteorology.

Only I didn't realize at first that it was Al Roker. In my mind's eye, he's still rather rotund, his bald pate uncapped by a hipster fedora. When I asked one of the besuited G-men types what they were filming -- I counted three, though more may have been hiding in the bushes -- he eyed me with what I took to be disbelief, though I couldn't be sure as his mirrored aviators disguised all human emotion. You don't know who that is?

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Weather: Memorial Day And All Associated Festivities Are Canceled

Categories: Weather

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This is what I imagine Memorial Day looks like.

Memorial Day. Now, I don't know exactly what Memorial Day is, being from abroad. I'm not letting that stop me from speculating, however. As it is an American holiday in almost-summer I'm going to assume you have idyllic plans. Apple pie, grilling, family members, monster trucks, shooting animals, grossly misunderstanding the usefulness of the abstract notion of "freedom," that sort of thing. Just because I'm not one of you doesn't mean I don't understand you.

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You Won't Believe The Weather In Fort Worth This Weekend (NSFW)

Categories: Weather

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Justin Terveen
The Fort Worth skyline taking a battering

We step away from our usual prediction of the weather in Dallas to say hello to everyone in Fort Worth! Hello Fort Worth! We haven't forgotten about you. In fact we have a very special NSFW FW post ready for you. NSFW, of course, stands for No Shit, Fort Worth! Are you ready for how the weather will be in Fort Worth? Are you totally ready? Are you sure? Because here it is. Over the page.

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Special Weather Report: You Should Fear Thursday

Categories: Weather

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The Dallas skyline on Friday

We interrupt your usual weekly news messages to bring you an early weather report. We do this partially because the weather for this weekend looks pretty boring, as long as you consider your internal organs melting to be boring, and because Thursday brings the best chance of Pete Delkus rolling up his sleeves and going to work since that cruel, dark winter.


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