The City of Terrell Is Evicting An Adorable Monkey

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Operation Team Tyler via Facebook
On March 24, Cheryl Blasius was stopped cold at her front door. Hanging from the doorknob was a notice from Terrell's animal control department:

Got complaint you own a monkey. You cannot have a monkey in Terrell. 10 days to remove of you will recieve (sic) citations for keeping an exotic animal.

That's true. Blasius does own a monkey, a capuchin by the looks of him, and has for the past 20 years. His name is Tyler.

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Tyler News Director Goes on Rant about Climate Change, Calls Global Warming "Laughable"

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Tyler, Texas, which has produced many yellow roses and U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert, is also home to Neal Barton. Barton is the news director of KETK, the local NBC affiliate, who occasionally takes the liberty of delivering a bombastic on-air op-ed. Think Dale Hansen, minus the humor and self-awareness.

On Friday, he delivered a stemwinder of an op-ed in which he dismissed climate change as "laughable," "all bunk" and an "unsubstantiated hypothesis."

KETK, alas, does not allow "Neal Barton's POV" to be embedded. Best we can do is a similar rant from 2012 Think Progress posted to YouTube:

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It's April Fool's Day in Dallas, And All the Jokes Are Terrible

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Sean MacEntee
It's April Fools Day, which means you are currently being bombarded with generally unfunny and unoriginal pranks and fake news stories. It's a day when it's wise to treat everything with a high degree of skepticism, from the Pokemon that have taken over Google Maps to the former co-worker's claim the he and his wife are having yet another kid.

Below is a running tally of the local(ish) pranks being inflicted upon the public. Just remember. It'll all be over tomorrow.

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Dallas Police: Man Sends Dick Pic With Job Application, Still Doesn't Have a Job

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Lee Nachtigal
If you're on the fringes of the labor force and are looking for a job, Texas Workforce Solutions may be able to help. The state agency coordinates with a wide network of potential employers and, if necessary, can connect job seekers with adult education classes and vocational training programs. Unsure of how to write a resume or prepare for an interview? TWS can probably help.

Stop by. Give them a call. Just make sure that, however you decide to get in touch, do not -- we repeat, DO NOT -- include a picture of your penis.

TWS is not the proper launching point for your porn career; its bureaucrats aren't paid nearly enough to stare at your junk. And if the caseworker is anything like the 25-year-old worker at TWS' Alpha Road office who found a client's dick pic waiting in her email this morning alongside his job application, she will promptly call police, who will know from the personal email address who sent it and thus gets a ticket for "obscene display or distribution." That's a class C misdemeanor.

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Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings, Philip Kingston Divided over Whether You Should Eat Meat on Thursday

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Mayor Mike Rawlings and City Councilman Philip Kingston preparing to battle over meatless Thursday proposal.
In further proof that Mike Rawlings' tendency to craft major policy initiatives in secret is ruffling feathers at City Hall, some (or at least one) City Council member is pushing back against the mayor's newly hatched plan to curb Dallas' meat consumption.

The blowback comes on the heels of Rawlings' proclamation of Thursday, March 20, as the "Great American Meatout Day" in Dallas, encouraging residents to "'kick the meat habit and explore a plant-based diet."

Farm Animal Rights Movement, the animal-advocacy group that sponsors the Meatout, was quick to praise Rawlings for his leadership. But Councilman Philip Kingston was skeptical.

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Someone Saw Sasquatch in Rockwall, and America's "A-Team of Bigfoot Hunters" Is On Its Way

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Attention Rockwall: We are receiving reports that Bigfoot is inside of you. According to the horrendous photoshop job photographic evidence above, he is currently perusing your quaint downtown.

DO NOT BE ALARMED. Renowned Sasquatch chaser and Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. founder Tom Biscardi is en route from California and is assembling what he calls his "A-Team of Bigfoot hunters" to track down the cryptozoological marvel.

This crack team includes:

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Oh Shit, Pete Delkus is Building an Ark

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Tomorrow is the beginning of March, which means the winter that brought you such weather catastrophes as Ice Storm Cleon and ICE FORCE LEVEL TWO will be officially over, right? RIGHT? Sure, spring doesn't officially begin until March 20, but this is Texas. This is supposed to be the time of year when we've stopped whining about the cold and haven't yet begun bitching about the heat.

Leave it to WFAA weather deity Pete Delkus to crush your dreams of pleasant weather. He warned his Facebook followers this morning that an as-yet-unnamed winter storm will be sweeping into Dallas over the weekend:

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San Antonio Wants To Mock Dallas' Death-River. How Cute.

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Steve Rainwater
Two days ago, Mark Cuban took time out of his busy schedule to acknowledge the existence of San Antonio and its "muddy ugly-ass River Walk."

The proper response would have a polite curtsy, if not gushing praise, from San Antonio, thanking Cuban for deigning to mention their humble burg and for his uncanny ability to state facts about bodies of water. Instead, we get this, a bitter attack on the Trinity River.

"At least the San Antonio River doesn't reek of wastewater and dead animals," reporter Kolten Parker wrote yesterday in the San Antonio Express-News. He also quotes a 1925 assessment by the Texas Department of Health, labeling the Trinity a "mythological river of death."

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A Dog is Running for Mayor of Irving

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The Controversial Committee Report
Dylan Westie
Mike Howard is not a fan of Irving Mayor Beth Van Duyne. A quick glance at the one-time Irving City Councilman's blog (written under the nom de plum Mark Holbrook) is proof of that.

But it's one thing to lob critiques of local government from the safe confines of the Internet. It's something else entirely to march into City Hall and register one's dog as Van Duyne's challenger in the upcoming mayor's race.

Howard actually did that today, submitting a petition to add Dylan Westie to the ballot. From the official announcement:

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Here's a Photo of Dwaine Caraway Holding Two Fistfuls of Condoms

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Via Facebook
Today is International Condom Day. Dallas City Councilman Dwaine Caraway celebrated by holding up a bunch of condoms at City Hall. There were a million of them in all, donated by the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, a meaningful gesture given the alarming rate at which Dallas County's poor people are contracting HIV. But give Dwaine a break. The man's only got two hands.

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