Our Favorite Rick Perry Mugshots

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Now, we're not sure if you live on the moon, under a rock, or under a rock on the moon, but you probably noticed Rick Perry handed himself in yesterday to face his indictment on felony charges for abuse of power. If you've ever heard of a thing called "Twitter," you may also have noticed that Rick had a mugshot, or more accurately a smugshot, in which he tried to look as if the charges mean nothing to him. It was, of course, a perfectly Rick Perry thing to do. He then went out for ice cream, which is amazing.

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Former Texas GOP Chair: Homophobia, Not Oil and Low Taxes, Created the Texas Miracle

There are many plausible explanations for the so-called Texas Miracle, the state's decade-plus surge in economic and population growth. Job creators appreciate the low tax burden and light regulation. Workers like the low cost of living and lack of a state income tax. Heretofore unimagined quantities of oil and gas are being pumped out of the ground. Et cetera.

There's some truth in all of those things. But Cathie Adams, the president of the arch-conservative Texas Eagle Forum and one-time chair of the Texas Republican Party, has her own pet theory, which she advanced at an anti-gay marriage press conference last week covered by Right Wing Watch. What's really driving Texas' growth is its steadfast rejection of the "homosexual agenda."

"Texas is the fastest growing state in the nation, and there is a reason for that, and part of that reason is traditional marriage," she explains.

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Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert Calls the "Invasion" of Migrant Rapists an "Existential Threat"

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Gage Skidmore
Texas congressman Louie Gohmert is usually good for a sound byte or two (or three, or four ...), and he gave us another one Tuesday when, with C-SPAN cameras rolling, he said the influx of immigrants at the border amounted to a war on women.

Gohmert said the "criminal aliens" had "committed at least 7,695 sexual assaults" in the past six years. "You want to talk about a war on women? This administrationwill not defend the women of America from criminal aliens! By the thousands, and hundreds of thousands!"

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A Great White Shark is Coming Straight for Texas, Will Probably Devour Us All

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On Sunday afternoon, a "ping" from a tracking device confirmed scientists' suspicions: Katherine, a 2,300-pound great white shark tagged last August off of Cape Cod, is headed straight for Texas. Right now, she's about 100 miles from the Florida panhandle. In another week, she could be past the Mississippi. Then, Texas. A second great white, Betsy, is hot on her tail fins.

Researcher Bob Hueter is delighted. The data relayed by the new real-time (more or less) tracking device is overturning scientists' long-held assumptions about great white behavior, he told the Houston Chronicle.

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The Hidden Cash Craze Arrived in Dallas with Much Less Cash and Much Less Chaos

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Hidden Cash, for those of you living under a WiFi-free rock, is the Twitternet sensation that rocked San Francisco last month. An anonymous local millionaire placed envelopes of cash around the city and released clues to their whereabouts on @HiddenCash, calling the exercise a "social experiment." Hidden Cash events have quickly turned into a phenomenon, reaching cities in the UK and Canada.

The scavenger hunt came to DFW last night under the Twitter handle @HiddenCashDFW. Spurred by visions of enough Andrew Jacksons to spare for toilet paper and Kleenex, droves of DFWers descended on Victory Park in hopes of scoring one of those elusive cash-filled envelopes.

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Of All the Places in Dallas to Do the Weather, Al Roker Chose the Goddamned Bronze Cattle

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It could only have been fate that steered me to Al Roker this morning. Just one week after I changed the route of my Farmers Market-to-Oak Lawn bike commute, shifting from one plowing straight through Downtown and McKinney Avenue to one skirting the edges past City Hall and Victory Park, there he was, standing in the shade of a Live Oak in Pioneer Plaza, waiting for the cameras to roll. What had seemed an impulsive need for a change of scenery suddenly seemed like the tug of an invisible hand, guiding me toward the prime deity of American meteorology.

Only I didn't realize at first that it was Al Roker. In my mind's eye, he's still rather rotund, his bald pate uncapped by a hipster fedora. When I asked one of the besuited G-men types what they were filming -- I counted three, though more may have been hiding in the bushes -- he eyed me with what I took to be disbelief, though I couldn't be sure as his mirrored aviators disguised all human emotion. You don't know who that is?

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An Oak Lawn Car Burglar -- Or Someone -- Lost a Sex-Toy Duffel Bag Tuesday Night

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Todd Mecklem
Overnight Tuesday, a couple of minor mysteries struck an Oak Lawn apartment complex.

The first: Who took the Louis Vuitton luggage and iPad from the gold 2010 Lexus parked for the night in the 4300 block of Gilbert Avenue? A neighbor awoke to a car alarm at about 6 a.m. and caught a glimpse of a white guy, 28ish, crouching beside the vehicle with a flashlight, but the man fled in a dark-color SUV before the neighbor could get a solid description.

The second, apparently related mystery, was discovered next to the car by a responding Dallas police officer. There, inside a nondescript gray duffel bag, were the contents of a small adult novelty store. Police recorded:

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Movoto's Irving Listicle Is All Sorts of Wrong

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Nicolas Henderson
Movoto, for those of you who don't get their unsolicited press releases in your inbox, is an online real estate brokerage that specializes, best we can tell, in mass producing generic listicles.

As a general rule, it's best to ignore these things and hope they go away, but we had to make an exception for the site's "21 Things You Need To Know About Irving Before You Move There" opus, if only because it was clearly written by someone who spent somewhere between 12 and 18 minutes Googling "Las Colinas."

We won't tackle all 21 items, though all are dumb in their own unique way, but allow us to correct some of Movoto's more pernicious misconceptions about Irving.

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The City of Terrell Is Evicting An Adorable Monkey

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Operation Team Tyler via Facebook
On March 24, Cheryl Blasius was stopped cold at her front door. Hanging from the doorknob was a notice from Terrell's animal control department:

Got complaint you own a monkey. You cannot have a monkey in Terrell. 10 days to remove of you will recieve (sic) citations for keeping an exotic animal.

That's true. Blasius does own a monkey, a capuchin by the looks of him, and has for the past 20 years. His name is Tyler.

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Tyler News Director Goes on Rant about Climate Change, Calls Global Warming "Laughable"

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Tyler, Texas, which has produced many yellow roses and U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert, is also home to Neal Barton. Barton is the news director of KETK, the local NBC affiliate, who occasionally takes the liberty of delivering a bombastic on-air op-ed. Think Dale Hansen, minus the humor and self-awareness.

On Friday, he delivered a stemwinder of an op-ed in which he dismissed climate change as "laughable," "all bunk" and an "unsubstantiated hypothesis."

KETK, alas, does not allow "Neal Barton's POV" to be embedded. Best we can do is a similar rant from 2012 Think Progress posted to YouTube:

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