Mark Graham

Ralph Isenberg's security team is totally DTF.

​So Ralph Isenberg threatened to fuck me in my ass the other day.

Well, that's not the first thing he did. Before that, he shook my hand and told me his name was Ralph Isenberg. And before that, I drove approximately nine minutes to his office in Oak Cliff to talk to him.

I'm new to the paper and new in town, just three weeks removed from the East Coast. I thought it would be mutually beneficial if I found an immigrant who was fighting ICE deportation. Editors eat that shit up, right?

Schutze kindly suggested that I speak to Isenberg, since he runs a successful legal clinic that aids deportees. We would be a fortuitous pairing, Isenberg and I, since he works closely, both figuratively and literally, to activist Reverend Peter Johnson, my only source in town.

Before heading to Isenberg's office, Schutze left me with a little parting knowledge: We sorta called Isenberg's wife a hooker. Like, several times. It's a long, complicated saga, but basically the gist is: He married a Chinese woman who had been busted for prostitution.

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Mitt Romney Campaign

Concerns have been raised over Mormonism's decision to move to Cleveland. Because, you know, it's Cleveland.

​Last month evangelical leaders gathered in D.C. for the Values Voter Summit, where disciples of the Pissed-Off Jesus harrumphed and yammered about how much America sucked. That's when the bomb ignited.

As you no doubt recall, Robert Jeffress was on hand to introduce Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon "cult" members were not only despoiling Broadway, but were actually running for president. "Non-Christians" like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans - and they didn't even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.

If patriots didn't take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics.

The nation was shocked. Until that moment, Mormons were considered a mere nuisance, polite yet pesky young men who came to the door when you were trying to watch Supernanny. Or perhaps they were paid spokesmodels for the short-sleeved dress shirt industry. No one was certain.

But Jeffress uncloaked them as enemies of Jesus. They might even be worse than Muslims, who at least offered competitively priced 40-ouncers of Midnight Dragon at their convenience stores.

So we decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:

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Via.

​That there is the photo CBS News used to illustrate Dallas's promiscuity, which made me think that it was all our our honky-tonkin' that makes us America's sixth-sluttiest city. But in the description alongside that photo, CBS notes our high concentration of Fortune 500 companies, which made me think that maybe the Texas Instruments guys are driving around picking up the AT&T gals and taking them out honky-tonkin', which was leading to all sorts of executive-level boning.

But no. It's much simpler. Apparently OKCupid, the JDate of sluts, ran the numbers to determine which cities have "the highest percentage of 'casual sex seekers.'" Dallas came in sixth, behind San Francisco, Miami, Seattle and Portland, the sluttiest city of all. Oh, and Pittsburgh beat us too, but that was apparently due to a data anomaly that statisticians call "Ben Roethlisberger."

Till now, this was only seen by those who trekked out to Fort Worth for Faith Hill's February 6 howdy-do for the North Texas Super Bowl XLV Host Committee's Kick-off Concert Series at Bass Hall. But the host committee has opted to share this all-star-studded butchering of Hill's "This Kiss," featuring the likes of Nolan Ryan and Dirk Nowitzki and Tony Romo and Roger Staubach and a leather-jacketed Jerry Jones and a few teevee-news faces. It was played before the show, but what's even more amazing is that anyone was left in the audience by the time Hill took the stage.

A Friend of Unfair Park sends word there are photos of Dallas' favorite quarterback and Carrie Underwood enjoying theyselves at the Ghostbar this weekend. And, sure enough, they're on Kidd Kraddick's Web site. (They'd be even cooler without that "Kidd Kraddick in the Morning" logo smeared all over them.) Andrea Grimes says Underwood looks "glowing" in that fourth pic down -- "and by glowing, I mean lit," chimes the Girl on Top from the office next door. "But she looks good for a drunk person." And, uh, yeah. They're..."dating." --Robert Wilonsky

On her official American Idol Web page, Season Two semi-finalist and Royce City native Olivia Mojica lists as some of her past accomplishments that she performed at "2000 Presidential Inauguration Gala, Myerson Symphony Hall, National Anthem for Dallas Mavericks." Oh, and the last concert she attended prior to this revealing Q&A: Erykah Badu. And her fave female pop singer's none other than Norah Jones. Appropriate she mentions those last two, as Mojica was, like Badu and Jones, a grad of the Booker T. Washington High School for the Performing and Visual Arts. Indeed, she was but a 17-year-old Arts Magnet student when she appeared on Idol in 2003.

But Mojica's got something those two famous Arts Magnet grads don't, far as we know: She's the star of her very own sex tape called...Hard Core Idol. And it's being brought to you by the very same peeps who made a fortune off the backs (and fronts and bottoms and tops) of Jenna Jameson and Briana Banks and other household-name porn stars (well, in some households -- not ours, no way): Vivid Video. Vivid says on its Web site that Mojica made the video with her boyfriend Adam Roberts a month ago in her New York City apartment and that it "was obtained by Vivid from an unidentified third party [and that] Vivid is currently trying to contact Mojica to see if she will help promote the video and share in revenue from its sale." So, yeah. It's out May 3. If you're into that kind of thing. --Robert Wilonsky

We're not big users of celeb-gossip site TMZ.com -- at least, far as you know. That said, this item about Kelly Clarkson tickled us: "Kelly Clarkson was spotted leaving Nobu sushi restaurant in New York last night, looking less like an American Idol and more like a Moscow middle school student sent in search of herring. Dasvidanya, baby!" The picture of Clarkson's after the jump. And no, we don't feel all that good about it. Far as you know. --Robert Wilonsky

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Our condolences to the family of the man named at right, of course; it's heartbreaking to lose a family member, especially when it's so close to the holidays and all. But we know at least one radio personality with a pitch-black sense of humor who will find this obituary from today's Dallas Morning News more than a little amusing -- because, ya know, his name is Gordon Keith of KTCK-AM (1310, The Ticket), and Gordon's nothing if not a fan of death humor, especially when it's so close to the holidays and involves his name. (And, just a note here, but shouldn't someone at the News proofread these obits a little better? The "cud" in there kinda threw us off at first. Just sayin'.) --Robert Wilonsky