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They just won't give up. It's been months since we've mentioned that left-for-dead Dallas movie, which was scheduled to be shot around these parts in November till a new director and new writers were brought in for yet another do-over. But there's, ahem, new news, courtesy Dallas-based movie site Cinema Blend, where Josh Tyler offers several, ahem, scoops -- namely, that Rob Lowe and Lost's Matthew Fox have been added to the cast as, respectively, Cliff Barnes and Bobby Ewing. They'll join the decidedly B-list of actors recently affixed to the project: James Brolin, Diane Ladd, Minka Kelly, Julie Benz, Kevin Conway, Katie Cassidy and Paul Logan. Oh, and John Travolta.

As for the story, reports Tyler's scooper: “The film will deal generally with the introduction of Pamela Barnes into the Ewing family. The script is based mainly on the episode 'Digger's Daughter' with also some elements of the 'Election' and 'Spy in the House' episode." OK, then. But it gets better: Original Dallas writers are working on yet another made-for-TV reunion movie, if they can get the old gang back together. Here's hoping... --Robert Wilonsky

Say it ain't so: Dallas -- the movie that will not die -- is still alive, despite the best efforts of several screenwriters and two now-former directors (Robert Luketic and Gurinder Chadha) who couldn't get the corpse out of the ground, much less off it. Reports Variety, the movie will now be a straight-up spoof -- thanks to the hiring of Betty Thomas, the former Hill Street Blues star-turned-director -- still starring John Travolta as J.R. Ewing.

Thomas -- whose filmography includes the likes of I Spy with Owen Wilson and Howard Stern's Private Parts -- might be directing a screenplay from Hot Rod writer Pam Brady (who also co-wrote, with Matt Stone and Trey Parker, Team America: World Police). There's still no cast, aside from Travolta -- and, um, production's set to start in January, here and elsewhere if all goes according to what's turning into a very old plan. This thing gets better-sounding every year. --Robert Wilonsky

So, the big-screen Dallas was dead as of last week. Now, it's back on, according to John Travolta, who says he's meeting with a new director -- that'd be the third, by the way -- and hoping to start shooting here and elsewhere in early '08. Fine. This is even better: Yesterday, some dude posted to YouTube his rendition of the Dallas TV show theme with, ahem, lyrics -- which ... uh ... yeah ... include the phrase "in the heart of old humid Dallas." And here's the guy acting out the Season Two finale. Travolta, Schmavolta. --Robert Wilonsky

For more than a year it's been a constant will-they-or-won't-they tug o' war over the making of the big-screen Dallas. First the city, including the mayor, begged producers to shoot J.R. in Dallas, since, at the time, there wasn't any official state dough in it for the studio. Then directors and screenwriters changed. Then the cast flipped and flopped. And then came word only a few days ago that the movie was dead -- again. And the source on the latest rumors of the movie's demise was none other than Larry Hagman hisself, who told Dutch TV earlier this week that he'd been told it was adiosed for good, Makes sense: New Regency, who was making the movie, no longer features it as a coming attraction.

Only this site -- UltimateDallas -- says it's still a go: "A representative from New Regency, the production company behind the movie, informed ultimatedallas.com that the project is 'still active,' but had no further comment at this point." Which means you will never hear about Dallas the movie ever, ever again. Maybe. --Robert Wilonsky

Looks like the big-screen version of Dallas is being pushed further off the starting line, thanks to the just-announced pregnancy of director Gurinder Chadha. She tells the Associated Press in a story that just moved that she's expecting twins -- "and plans to name them after Bollywood stars Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan, who recently announced their engagement," which is, uh, cool. But more to the point, the maker of Bend It Like Beckham and Bride & Prejudice tells the AP, "No film experience can compare with this [pregnancy]. In fact, I've put my big project Dallas on hold until the babies come." They're due in June. --Robert Wilonsky

Maybe--oh, please, God, please, please, prettyplease--this'll be the last item we ever run about the big-screen adaptation of the movie Dallas. I know--you figured the thing was already on Cinemax; that's how long we've been discussing this would-be disaster. Really gonna hate to see it go adios, mofo.

But that's what the New York Post suggested yesterday--a month after Variety reported that its production company was firing the entire cast, save for John "J.R." Travolta; rewriting the script yet again; and pushing back the shoot till January 2007, if that. One insider tells the tab, "it'll be a miracle if this film ever gets made." Oh, really? That's such a stunner.

Probably most bummed about this debacle is Dallas Film Commission director Janis Burklund, who spent months trying to raise private dough so she could offer producer Michael Costigan and New Regency and 20th Century Fox incentives to shoot in Dallas. "Shoot JR in DALLAS"? Aw, leave the poor dead horse alone already. --Robert Wilonsky

For what it's worth, Patrick Duffy--the guy who played Bobby Ewing and, even better, the Man from Atlantis--is against the remake of Dallas, which is on hold while producers find a new, cost-cutting cast. Says Duffy: "I think they'll discover that Dallas is better left how it was. I got a sneak of one of the script--I can't tell you how--but I read it and I was, like, 'Wow! That's crap!'" Wow, that's awesome! There's also a piece about the Dallas delay in the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, which you might be able to find if EW didn't have one of the world's worst Web sites in the history of the Interwebs. "Hopefully, [we] can gear up in the spring," says producer Sanford Panitch, and don't you threaten us, pal.

In other completely useless celebrity news possessing, at this point, neglible local ties: Former Richardson girl Jessica Simpson knew when her marriage to Nick Lachey was over (oddly, it was not when they said, "I do") and doesn't mind her former preacher daddy talking about her boobies. "I've had double D's for a long time," she says. "Are you kidding?" Now that's crap!

Speaking of locally born blonde actresses, on November 5 Dallas native Morgan Fairchild will be honored by Women in Film during their annual Topaz Awards gala at the Dallas Museum of Art. I had planned on making fun of this till I scanned her filmography and realized, ya know, Fairchild's actually had a pretty respectable run on network television; she was great on Friends as Chandler's mom, if nothing else. And she appeared on an episode of Dallas, which brings us full circle. Also being honored at the Topaz shindig is city councilperson Elba Garcia, who's getting the Dallas Film Commission Advocacy Award for bringing the Spanish soap opera La Ley Bel Silencio to town, where it shot for Telemundo for a whole six months. Next year, Angela Hunt's scheduled to get an award for owning two television sets. --Robert Wilonsky

It's been a good long while since we've had any news about the big-screen version of Dallas; I know, sucks, doesn't it? Well, the issue of Entertainment Weekly arriving at subscribers' doorsteps tomorrow has a short item about the movie, which seems to be moving along at a dead snail's pace. Because reading EW is just like not reading EW, here's what the magazine I dearly and sincerely love has to say in the "story" clumsily headlined, "The big-screen Dallas update is finally moving forward after the director and star Jennifer Lopez skip town." Read on, if you can make it past the first three sentences. It's after the jump.

Because I swear we will cover every aspect of the Dallas movie, from pre-production to its first screening on an airplane, here's today's utterly inessential tidbit: Seems Jessica Simpson, who actually grew up in the area, has been Jock-blocked from the role of Lucy Ewing, which is now going to Katie Cassidy, who was on 7th Heaven but is probably better known as the daughter of Keith Partridge hisself, David Cassidy. Katie's also in the new Adam Sandler movie Click. Hard to believe, but that's all I gotta say about this. --Robert Wilonsky

Good Friend of Fair Park Sharon Boyd has this to say about Dallas' attempts to beg 20th Century Fox here to shoot the big-screen Dallas by promising millions in giveaways...pardon, incentives:

"Does any business pay their own way anymore? I wish we had a city ordinance prohibiting City Hall from giving any 'incentives' or tax abatements.

We never get the pay back we are promised on the incentives and tax abatements, and Joe Taxpayer never sees the benefit of giving millions away to millionaires."

To which I am sure the mayour and everyone else involved would insist, you gotta spend money to make money. Even if it's not really true. --Robert Wilonsky

Been a while since we've had some casting news about the movie Dallas, so here's a juicy tidbit: Seems Jennifer Garner, star of the uh-not-really-a-hit-hit Alias, turned down the role of Pam Ewing when she realized she'd be playing opposite Jennifer "Sue Ellen Ewing" Lopez--ya know, the former fiancee of Garner's hubby, the whatever-happened-to Ben Affleck. That's the saddest news ever.

In other Dallas-related news, Janis Burklund and the Dallas Film Commission are waiting to hear from 20th Century Fox regarding an incentive package sent to the studio in order to lure the production here. While Burklund, director of the commission, hasn't told anyone what's in the package--which is necessary because the state provides no money to lure production companies to the state--Unfair Park did find the following letter Burklund and Phillip Jones, president and CEO of the Dallas Convention & Visitors Bureau, sent to local businesses last month to guilt them into pitching in. Otherwise, the letter says, Louisiana "might steal Dallas to their state," those sumbitches. It's Big D, all right...desperate, that is, but with good reason. Read it after the jump. --Robert Wilonsky

If so, Dallas director Gurinder Chadha wants to talk to you. From the sound of this, the director's been to Texas to scout locations for the big-screen adaptation of the TV show, which probably tickles Dallas Film Commission honcho Janis Burklund; maybe they'll shoot J.R. in, or around, Dallas after all. But first Chadha needs to find a spread bigger than the disappointingly "small" Southfork: Says the director, "I'm going to find us a super-duper ranch, because you have to believe they all have these massive wings to themselves. Plus, we'll have an airstrip for private jets and helicopters." Tom Hicks, we're looking at you. --Robert Wilonsky

If nothing else, readers of Unfair Park know the blow-by-blow backstage doings regarding the decision to film the big-screen Dallas in Dallas...or Florida or Louisiana or Uranus. So why stop now? There's a piece today in The Shreveport Times that reveals Betty Jo Lebrun-Mooring, of the Shreveport-Bossier Film Office, recently spent a week with a Dallas location scout, who wanted to see whether Bossier City and Shreveport could pass for North Texas. This must be driving Janis Burkland. director of the Dallas Film Commission, crazy: Last week, at the soft opening of the AMC NorthPark 15, she told Unfair Park that 20th Centuty Fox had extended a location scout's visit to Dallas from a few days to longer than a week, and she was optimistic that the studio was going to use more than just a few local exteriors in the shoot, which is supposed to start some time before the year's end.

But why should we just dream and wait? This weekend, the two sequels to 2004's Walking Tall remake begin shooting in the area, but not with The Rock or Johnny Knoxville. Nope, the residents of Parker and Ennis will be treated to glimpses of Kevin "Hercules" Sorbo. But that's just for WTII: In about a month, the production moves to Dallas for Walking Tall III. That's right: It's a trilogy, like The Godfather, Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones and Matrix series. Or Cannonball Run movies. --Robert Wilonsky

Dallas director Gurinder Chadha repeats something I heard last night at the AMC NorthPark 15 opening: The big-screen adaptation of the inexplicably beloved TV series may not be shot in Florida after all. That doesn't mean it's coming here--that's still unlikely, given the state legislature's unwillingness to deal with funding Texas Senate Bill 1142. Now, Louisiana offers the main competition; seems 20th Century Fox is more interested in shooting there than Florida, which is the main choice for star (and casting director?!) John Travolta. --Robert Wilonsky

My favorite thing about this item are the first two words: "Movie star." I just like the fact someone felt the need to remind people who Luke Wilson is, 'cause God forbid they confuse him with pastry chef Luke Wilson or flamenco instructor Luke Wilson or gas-station attendant Luke Wilson. Everything else about Luke Wilson's demand that Dallas get shot in Dallas (here we go again, Christ almighty) is of the nice-try variety; sorry, but I want Dallas shot in Florida, and looks like I'm gonna get my wish. (Speaking of Luke Wilson movies I have no interest in seeing, and there are many from which to choose, precisely when's The Wendell Baker Story getting released? Oh, you say it's on DVD in the Netherlands? Sorry for asking.) One (cough, cough) news item to come from this: Luke's apparently slated to play Bobby Ewing. Guess that wasn't just a dream I had last night. --Robert Wilonsky