Your Dallas Summer Forecast: Searing Pain

Categories: Weather

DroughtMoreCrackedDirt.jpg
Texas Parks and Wildlife Department
This was once Lake Lewisville.

That's right, Dallas. Apparently Saturday marks the first day of Summer, according to Delkus anyway, which means no further research is necessary. All this can possibly mean is discomfort, sunburn, pain, short fuses, and an inevitable exquisitely painful death.

Does your AC work properly? Do you suspect that, just maybe, it's not really cooling stuff down enough? Well too late, jackass, prepare to join a waiting list of six hundred thousand other people who just realized this. Then, in September, when the AC company gets round to you, expect to pay approximately forty billion dollars for a chunk of metal they got from China for eight bucks.

Do you plan on spending any time outside? Do you own a huge, protective, air-conditioned suit of armor? No? Well, then I would re-direct your plans to be mainly indoors. If you do have a suit of armor, but the AC in it is broken, then please refer to the previous paragraph.

The only way I've found to make everything feel better is translating your bizarre fahrenheit scale, which doesn't make any sense anyway, to the far more sensible celsius scale, but then imagining the celsius number is actually a fahrenheit number. Let me explain.

Delkus tells us Saturday's high will be 94. 94 fahrenheit in celsius is 34.4. If you imagine this celsius number is actually a fahrenheit number, then Saturday will in fact be only just above freezing. Keep telling yourself this throughout the day, that actually it's really cold and you're just imagining it's hot enough to fry an egg on your forehead, and you'll find that you'll be committed to an asylum relatively quickly, where the air conditioning will probably be pretty good.

Oh, and it's only going to get worse. It might cool down a bit in October, which is only four months away. Have a good summer, y'all.


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26 comments
ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

look how wrong that forecast was!

scottindallas
scottindallas topcommenter

I cannot begin to describe the vacuous merit of some ignorant import from England trying to comment on our weather as a regular column.  Those temps aren't high for the season.  Remember, that the "average" high, is no such thing, it averages in abnormally low temps, as it rains occasionally.  So, the real median high is higher than the mean high.  Further, it's been a remarkably mild Spring, such that the grass and other heat/temp sensitive plants are as much as a month behind.  Ignorant Gavin wouldn't know that, most of the commenters don't know that, as they lead insular lives, running from air conditioned cloister to air conditioned cloister.  I'm an organic gardener by trade, for over 20 years.  I dare say I pay closer attention this than Gavin, Pete Delkus or any other ignorant person who's relatively new to this area and who doesn't work outside and follow the seasonal changes.  Stick with BBQ Gavin, this weather beat has you out of your element.  

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

My sainted grandmother (1882 - 1969) managed living in North Texas without AC until the early 1960s when finally convinced to get a window AC for her bedroom. Before then it was a swamp cooler (look it up Gavin).  


Look at the photos of your grandparents and great grandparents who lived here - we're a bunch of whining babies.


It's not the heat - it's the coming water apocalypse that is gonna get us

ColonelAngus
ColonelAngus

We had three or four cool fronts in June that turned the winds around to the north, and no 100-degree days yet if memory serves.  We should be so lucky every year.

ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul
ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul topcommenter

It is near the end of June, August is less than 45 days away.  Just what exactly were you expecting?


Here is my long range forecast for the DFW area through November:


Near term June forecast:  Warm, with increasing warm rising to hot, relief expected at night with overnight lows below 80F, Chance of scattered thundershowers in the late afternoons; with a potential for asteroid size hail stones.


For July:  Increasingly warm transitioning to continual hot, chance of late afternoon thundershowers decreasing as we usually only get about two inches of rain in July and that usually falls in one afternoon.  Expect nighttime temperatures to be above 80F, if not get on your knees and thank God, even if you are an atheist.  High probability of whining over water restriction from the member cities of the North Texas Municipal Water District since they have been using a high speed printing press for new water connects and have neglected to build any new reservoirs.


For August: Continual hot with a high probability of miserably hot.  Be careful of heat dazed people reminiscing about the March snowstorm.  High probability of of TV news shots of the dried bottom of Lake Lavon.  Good probability of the NTMWD issuing Stage 10 Water Restriction which requires homeowners to pump water back into the water system once a week based on even/odd street numbers.  Expect at least one alert from ERCOT for a grid overcapacity/congestion warning.


For September:  Decreasing hot with an occasional hint of cool breeze in the morning.  High probability of people expressing amazement that they made it through August.


For October:  All is well with the State Fair in full swing and high expectation of cooler weather.


For November:  Much relief is at hand with bearable decent temperatures.  2nd mortgages are being paid off early which had been used to pay the August electric bills where power costs had peaked at the rate of $30,000 per MWHr ($3,000 per kWHr)  Electric power companies will again talk about need for capacity markets as their executives receive new record high bonuses for the financial performance in the 3rd quarter.  Low probability of people complaining about the early ice storm.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

The cats get testy in the hot weather.  Big Kitty is always griping and complaining.  The A/C is permanently set at 76 degrees.  I put out ice cubes for them to lick, and keep the ceiling fans going. 

russell.allison1
russell.allison1

Having lived in Texas all my life I wonder if I'm missing something in this....

It's not come close to 100 degrees, it's actually rained several times in the last few weeks and it's downright pleasant at night.  Global warming is being quite kind to us this year.

Greg820
Greg820

Ah, summer in Dallas.  I love sitting on the porch, adult beverage in hand, and watch the birds catch fire as they fly through this hell furnance.  But they don't burn.  Oh no.  The humidity is so high that they just lay there on the sidewalk, sizzling on one side and smoldering on the other.  The adult beverage is what makes the sight tolerable. 

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

we were scraping ice off our cars in March. thank you, I will have a good summer.

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

It's cooler by the lake.


Lake Michigan.


Aaaahhhh.

dominicide1
dominicide1

Oh, 95 is nothing, you big pussy. Shut up about the weather already, we know it sucks during summer. Aside from a sensible temperature scale, just shutting the fuck up about it helps. Okay? Good. Just continue with all of our pursuits: obesity; ignorance about anything having to do with going, "out there;" spousal abuse ("that mouth"); downtown alcoholism; okay restaurants; Becky Oliver hatchet jobs, etc, etc. Go on! Talk about something else!

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

The most fitting introduction to a Dallas summer I've ever seen.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@ScottsMerkin Weatherpersons on TV make me sick.  Every night they whine about drought.  Then it rains, and they whine about all the rain.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@scottindallas I can't speak for his motives. but I suspect he's using a lot of sardonic humor in this article.  A lot of the angry comments here reflect how thin-skinned, defensive, and humor-free many Texans are.  They can't take a joke.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@ChrisYu True.  It's worth it, knowing that I don't have to suffer through another horribly cold, freezing, icy, windy, snowy-ass Brooklyn winter that just goes on and on and on...

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz @dingo And how do New Yorkers react when a transplant repeatedly comments on the cost, crowding and smell?


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