Special Weather Report: You Should Fear Thursday

Categories: Weather

dallas_underwater.jpg
The Dallas skyline on Friday

We interrupt your usual weekly news messages to bring you an early weather report. We do this partially because the weather for this weekend looks pretty boring, as long as you consider your internal organs melting to be boring, and because Thursday brings the best chance of Pete Delkus rolling up his sleeves and going to work since that cruel, dark winter.

We are talking, of course, about the 1 inch of rain, severe thunderstorms and general panic that has an 80 percent chance of enveloping the city during Thursday daytime. Do you live and/or work in Dallas? Presumably you do. Is the building you live and/or work in on stilts? Could you confidently say it is more than one inch above the floor, on a sturdy support? No? Then you, like the rest of us, will be washed into the Trinity, doomed to float around an uncaring white-water rapids course for all eternity.

The area, of course, needs this rain pretty badly. We're eight inches down on usual rainfall levels already for the year. Drought is a problem, as are wildfires. It would just be swell, however, if the good Lord above could possibly push his weather needle somewhere between "on fire" and "underwater." We will not be this lucky.

Those of us who haven't suffered the fate worse than death that is our lifeless corpses drifting down to Houston and getting even more mangled by the awfulness of Houston will be faced with a rebuilding job on a massive scale. Remember, when you're putting back together the bricks and mortar of your shattered former life, build your new shelter on stilts. It won't help you when the tornado comes -- in fact it really might hinder your tornado survival chances a great deal -- but it will make you feel better about yourself.

Oh, and the temperatures are pushing record-breaking for this time of year too. Just in case you felt confident that the rain washing away your A/C system wouldn't be too big a deal. It will be. At the current rate, using my qualifications in advanced mathematics, I predict the temperature will be pushing a balmy 145 Fahrenheit by mid-June.



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36 comments
Greg820
Greg820

Just saw a wide swath of pink on the weather tele.  We. Are. All. Going. To. Die.  

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

Gavin's weather reports are the only weather reports worth paying attention to.

animas
animas

Who needs Delkus?  No offense Gavin, you do a terrific job- but anyone who has lived in  the South or Southwest knows that if you see spiders in the house, you will have a rain event in the next 2-4 days.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

Nice story Gavin, very funny!  But beware the BIG weather.......BEWARE.  All it takes is once; we were rolled by a "nader" on 40 west of Amarillo one time-let's just say, be forever vigilant. To quote, "the hand of God may kick the shit out of you!". 

observist
observist topcommenter

Nice screenshot of Rapture, Gavin.

Mishi1203
Mishi1203

I've got AC and heat. I don't care what temp it is as long as my allergies get better.

ozonelarryb
ozonelarryb

Gavin, your cubicle is a regular hyperbolic chamber.

blankcur1
blankcur1

Observer really has it out for this guy. 

putesputes
putesputes

Just a few weeks ago people were complaining about the long miserable winter and pleading for warmer temperatures. Now we have them but they are 5 degrees too hot!  Ooh my!!! Let’s pray for winter once again!

juanmayeaux
juanmayeaux

I hate Mondays no matter the weather, Thursdays, not so much, no matter the weather unless ice forms on windshield and then "batten down the hatches" time.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Tired of fighting for the ghost of Harold Taft and will just give into weather paranoia. Will go to the Beer Cave on Wednesday and stay home on Thursday waiting for the rain, softball size hail and 60+ MPH wind.  


But you never know, Coyote may trick us again.


ozonelarryb
ozonelarryb

If I can get past Odin, Thor is no prob.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Until we have a large tornado outbreak, I believe the sleeves will stay down!  But bring on the rain bitches.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

How will this weather affect the delivery of Thursday's paper version?  I wouldn't want Myrna to not enough paper to put in her kitty shitter

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

Time to don the Kevlar hazmat suit and surf/kayak/canoe the Trinity.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

I have at this moment taken the decision to stand foursquare on the notion that I shall not fear Thursday.

Who's with me!?! 

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

@juanmayeaux

Thursdophobia is nothing to laugh at, it affects 4 out of 5 dentists or something like that. Thursday is traditionally when the Shit Hits The Fan.

Little-known fact. Before the commie/mafia/Democrat unions gave us the standardized 5-day work week, it was Thursdophobes who coined the now-popular term "Thank God It's Fucking Friday!" And "Hump Day" came about because Thursdophobes tended to hump like there's no tomorrow on Wednesdays.

Hope that helped. Good luck this coming Thursday.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@Sotiredofitall  Fuck, I just got back from Cabo and 2 things really strike me, 1 is Fuck Allergies, within 5 minutes of exiting the plane allergies commence.  2 is we worry about the weather way too much.  I dont think I saw one weather report my whole time down there

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

@holmantx

I fear no Dallas weather, but generally, Thursdays scare the hell out of me.

animus
animus

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz @animas  


I must get a kitty, inclined to roll, in order to test your very worthy theory!

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

@gavin.cleaver @kergo1spaceship  


he he sir!  he he.


No, just before I got rolled an old farmer told me, a "nader is comin....hide"; and being a brash north easterner, I just kept going. Then I found myself crying in a Texaco bathroom stall, calling my wife when it was done. 


It was surreal, said "beast" lifted me and mine like 10 feet off the ground, and placed us down as gentle as a baby. 

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

@TheRuddSki  

Maybe we should petition our government for a stay on Thursday for just a wee bit of Liberty in trade.  The Left is absolutely phenomenal when it comes to such swaps.

For the phrase has indeed been turned on its head - it is now fear itself that motivates the Great Unwashed.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@animus  

According to both of those measures, based on my own anecdotal observations around my little farm, it should be raining all the time.

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