It's April Fool's Day in Dallas, And All the Jokes Are Terrible

AprilFoolsFlickrSeanMacEntee.jpg
Sean MacEntee
It's April Fools Day, which means you are currently being bombarded with generally unfunny and unoriginal pranks and fake news stories. It's a day when it's wise to treat everything with a high degree of skepticism, from the Pokemon that have taken over Google Maps to the former co-worker's claim the he and his wife are having yet another kid.

Below is a running tally of the local(ish) pranks being inflicted upon the public. Just remember. It'll all be over tomorrow.

Ted Cruz Has a Winston Churchill Tattoo:

WinstonChurchillTattoo.jpg
@foxandfriends

Inspired by the recent poster featuring a shirtless (and surprisingly lean) U.S. Senator Ted Cruz covered in prison tattoos, Texas' junior senator decided to get inked. On Fox & Friends this morning, he rolled up his sleeve to reveal a scowling, cigar-chomping Winston Churchill on his right bicep. Cruz was coy about its permanence, but this particular version of the British Bulldog should come off with some soap and warm water.

Tim Rogers Hates Mexicans:

Deep down, in his heart of hearts, D editor emeritus Tim Rogers may very well be a racist asshole. We simply don't know. But that horribly offensive "Leading Off" post on Frontburner, which had something to do with Hispanics and sexual intercourse and was so vile that Rogers issued an uncharacteristic apology shortly before being canned? Never happened, just like there was never any A (for Arlington) Magazine. Yes, Tim Rogers is still employed.

Rick Perry Enrolling in Medicaid: Burnt Orange Report has the scoop.

This morning on FOX News, Governor Rick Perry announced his intention to enroll in Medicaid once his term as governor ends. Citing recent financial difficulties, Perry sees Medicaid as his best option once he no longer has a salary, savings or health care.

"If I become President I think I'll be okay financially," Perry said. "But if that doesn't work out, I don't really have a back-up plan. And to be honest I've been mowing through my governor's salary and my savings at a pretty fast clip - I mean, my new glasses weren't cheap."

False. Rick Perry has a killer pension. Besides, he'll be two months shy of his 65th birthday when he leaves office, meaning he'll almost be eligible for Medicare.

Mike Rawlings Botched Home Rule: This Dallas Morning News story and the press conference announcement we got yesterday about Mayor Mike Rawlings apologizing for the rollout of the Dallas ISD home-rule push seem legit, but this quote gives us second thoughts:

"The strategic mistake I made was believing in the power of the blank page," Rawlings said. "I thought it was fabulous that we as a community could write anything we wanted on this blank page... I was wrong. Blank pages don't work in realpolitik."

Matthew McConaughey Is Not Running For Ag Commissioner: C'mon America. Did you really need a "McConaughey run likely April Fools' joke" headline to figure out that Texas Monthly's April 1 scoop that Oscar-winning actor Matthew McConaughey is considering a write-in candidacy for Texas Agriculture Commissioner? The Washington Times did, wising up after a couple of hours and deleting its story.

That said, we really wish McConaughey actually said this: "When I saw that Kinky [Friedman], who's basically in the same world that I am, wants to legalize pot farming, that's when I told my amigo Woody, 'I could do this job.'"

Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.



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17 comments
gordonhilgers
gordonhilgers

In Dallas, every day is April Fool's Day. 

There are no tears in Moscow. 

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

From James Taranto...

But it was the line photos that we found arresting. And it’s clear McGuinness was advancing a White House line. Press secretary Jay Carney opened his daily briefing yesterday with the following gasconade: “As you can see by the lines around the country this weekend, we are seeing a surge in enrollment.”

The first thing we thought of when we saw the pictures was the photos we’ve recently seen on Twitter of Venezuelans waiting in bread lines. Waiting in line to purchase necessities is a characteristic not of a prosperous free society but of command economies under repressive regimes. Closer to home, one doubts even the Transportation Security Administration would be so tone-deaf as to advertise long airport lines as an indication it’s doing a great job.

So what in the world could the White House have been thinking? Here’s a guess: They look at the ObamaCare lines and think not of communist subjects queuing up for bread or toilet paper, or Americans for driver’s licenses, but something more like the lines of consumers eager to be the first to get the new iPhone or the latest Harry Potter book. Affluent people often wait in line for things about which they have a particular enthusiasm–or for special experiences, like an amusement park ride, concert or meal at a favorite restaurant.

One obvious difference is that whereas the iPhone and Harry Potter queuers are eager to get the new thing first, the ObamaCare ones are presumably anxious not to miss the deadline (even if it’s not rigorously enforced). ObamaCare lines might have been impressive if they’d begun to form in the last days of September. At the end of open enrollment, the White House boast is akin to the IRS’s citing a “surge” in filing of tax returns two weeks from now as evidence that the income tax system is popular and well designed.

Well, as Chief Justice Roberts informed us, ObamaCare is a tax.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Did Myrna quit commenting here?  I have not seen her in a while

ozonelarryb
ozonelarryb

Because the 364 day news is filled with such absurdity that even the most lunatic fiction can't trump it.

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

The Obama administration is touting the popularity of Obamacare by citing the magic figure of 7 million "sign ups".

In related news, tens of millions of Americans have filed their income tax returns, indicating that Americans really, really love paying income taxes.

Rusticle
Rusticle

The Google Maps one is real, you just have to have the most recent update on your phone.

Wine_Curmudgeon
Wine_Curmudgeon

Ye of little faith. Check out my wine blog, winecurmudgeon.com. This year's post includes the TABC, and last year's post was all about Rick Perry.


TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

@ScottsMerkin

Rehab?

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

@ozonelarryb

A British sniper killed six talibunnies in Afghanistan with a single bullet yesterday. One day early for them to get the joke, unfortunately.

GatoCat
GatoCat

@TheRuddSki  Perhaps they really, really love getting back that interest-free loan they've been giving the government for the past year.

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

@PlanoDave @ScottsMerkinNah, Donkey Hotay is from out of state I believe, and was here before Myrna started grousing around these boards.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@TheRuddSki  That, or her cats broke down her bedroom door and attacked her killing her

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

GatoCat

The EIC crowd payday.

About that seven million. For months, the admin has been telling us they can't provide accurate figures, (and Siebelus even lied about that figure), but then, presto, on deadline day the WH can provide to-the-person accurate figures.

Not that they would lie again! But that sudden accuracy is worthy of Soviet wheat harvest figures, Cuban literacy stats, and Baghdad Bob's assurances.

That it was announced on April Fools Day makes it kinda extra-special.

Oh, and of that figure, 79% are subsidized. Now, getting the people who have to pay for that to sign up is the fun part. And, about six million people had their "Illegal" insurance cancelled.

And, wasn't the pitch that 35 or 45 million people lack insurance? Where are they, still in Mexico?

markzero
markzero

@GatoCat @TheRuddSki  Why don't they file in February, then, to get it sooner?

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

@ScottsMerkin

Too much time on UP, neglected to feed them, that's all she wrote...

TheRuddSki
TheRuddSki topcommenter

@markzero

Those who are net tax recipients file ASAP. Those who are net taxpayers file as late as possible, for obvious reasons.

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