ICE FORCE LEVEL TWO: May The Lord Have Mercy On Us All

Categories: Weather

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instagram@leslie223
This is what it looks like outside. Possibly. If there is a TV with static outside your window.

Welcome to our second ever live weather blog, where the news is made up and the weather doesn't really matter. Here are the facts -- it's cold. How cold, you ask? Well, imaginary internet person, it's really very cold. Cold enough that, were Jack Nicholson to head outside with an axe right now and encounter a complex maze, he would be unlikely to survive long enough to murder anyone.

Do we have facts for you, figures, maybe? No. We do not. We are not competent meteorologists, or even journalists. What we do have for you, though, is rampant speculation, self-pity, some pictures of snow, and if you're lucky, there will be a dog or two frolicking in a winter wonderland. So stay tuned.

*****

10:00

The city is expected to luckily fall in between two intimidatingly drawn clouds of bad stuff today.

As you can see, a purple thing will move forward, while a white thing has already moved forward. This weather lark is easy.

Meanwhile, Jackson loves the snow --

And Cane Rosso has made a tribute to yesterday's forecast. Never forget.

*****

Friday Feb 7, 09:00

After the snow penis had its way with us, now The Shoddily Drawn Blue Pickle of Reckoning is on its way.

*****

17:45

Updates from Delkus on Snow Penis Penetration Levels -

As you can see, we've all had better.

Unfortunately, this man was the first victim of the power outages, ironically near the end of a tweet about how he was being smug about power outages.

*****

17:30

Word reaches us from ERCOT that you might not want to use so much electricity tonight, in case you spoil electricity for everyone else. They ask you to turn your thermostat down to a maximum 68 degrees.

Now, I'm not going to do that because I have the vital job of keeping you updated on ICE FORCE LEVEL TWO, but you should, because they're threatening rolling blackouts of 15-45 minutes each, across neighborhoods, if their conditions are not met. The electricity terrorists.

*****

15:30

The sheer awfulness of this snowman perfectly captures the horror and dangers of #ICEFORCELEVELTWO.

He looks as if he's seen the terror that awaits Dallas, because apparently temperatures won't be back above freezing until tomorrow afternoon. Have a nice commute.

*****

15:10

If you're thinking about driving home from work, you might want to start out about, ooh, three hours ago.

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Oh, I-30. Why you gotta be like that?

Meanwhile, a dog fight is going on --

and a second wave of wintry "dusting" has been reported, soon to BURY Dallas. We'll keep you posted.

*****

14:30

Delkus says it's over.

BUT WHAT DAMAGE HAS REALLY BEEN DONE, PETE?!

Will Cane Rosso ever recover? I suspect not.

Dickey's Barbecue wasn't worth the 99ft anyway, mate.

*****

13:35

Due to the current weather conditions, the City of Dallas Department of Street Services has elevated its sanding operations to Ice Force Level 2 as of 12:30pm.

This could be the end. The end, everyone. A second snow penis is undoubtedly on the way, my cat thinks he can see a bird out of the window, and my mouse wheel still won't work.

*****


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38 comments
colinnwn
colinnwn

I'm glad the City of Dallas actually decided to sand the roads this time the same day the snow fell, instead of 3 days later when it was already better like last time. Where was ICEFORCETWO?

poppyxander
poppyxander

Just want to say this was hilarious and very entertaining… I wish the cover photo would have been the snow penis the entire time.


ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Happy Cited that Updates continue today #ICEFORCELEVELTWO

mcdallas
mcdallas

No post at 420?!?!?!???  Put down the Cheetos, bro!

kbd526
kbd526

I will take any opportunity to be told to go home early.  Hopefully the 5 minute commute down Lovers Lane to Inwood will not take 1 hour and 39 minutes....

mcdallas
mcdallas

I heard there's a line around the mall of folks waiting for FootLocker to put the new Nike Air Jordan ICE FORCE ONE shoes on sale.

Greg820
Greg820

Hey person driving with emergency blinkers on.  Yes, it is snowing.  We all know that. Yes, your emergency blinkers are distracting to other drivers on the road.  Yes, you will murder your pet or loved one when you finally get home after listening to 90 minutes of clicka-clicka. . . .clicka clicka. . . .clicka clicka in an enclosed environment.

Greg820
Greg820

ROAD ALERT:  Just got back from Taco Joint.  Yummy.  The streets are OK, but the intersections where the snow has melted and refroze are serious slick.  The uphill climb at Mockingbird to Peavy over Buckner is really flumoxing the rear wheel drive trucks and SUV's.  I called 311 to get some more sand over there. All joking aside please do be careful.

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

Do the cows give soft serve ice cream instead of milk?

erichgray
erichgray

Looks like snow penis should stay away from the Magnum condoms...

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

That fella' that I saw riding his ElectraGlide to work this a.m. is gonna' have a helluva ride home.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

I got rear ended by a yuppie this morning, who was flailing  his arms and yelling "that's nothing", and prompting me to move on; boy howdy, don't you know by the time I was done with him, he was calling me sir, and telling me to have a great day!  

Will you redneck f+ckers please stay off the road when it's raining or snowing?  PLEASE!


#billybobandbifftheyupcantdriveininclementweather

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

I don't think Delkus should be talking about getting his wiener out in his palms to be photographed.

ruddski
ruddski

Balmy upper 70's in W. Florida.

But I decided to visit NW Arkansas just in time to escape the heat wave there. Eight degrees here, hadda don my winter flip-flops.

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

It's pretty, pretty bad out chere in the Westoplex...fixing to head and pick up the girl from school...so glad I got to drive 45 miles into work first.

ruddski
ruddski

Good news, maybe ticks, roaches and fleas might die off.

Don't forget to out your pets outside for at least a couple if days to kill any free riders they may have.

J_A_
J_A_

It was pretty slippery out there. I wanted to go hulk on the idiot riding my ass. That won't make me speed up buddy.

Greg820
Greg820

I prefer FOX FORCE FIVE.



mcdallas
mcdallas

I'm looking forward to a post at 420 pm

gavin.cleaver
gavin.cleaver moderator

@ScottsMerkin  the problem is, Merks, that there's not a lot going on really, and all my colleagues are busy with this "news" stuff they write about.

mcdallas
mcdallas

Now the ICE FORCE ONE's are out of style.  Back in line to pick up my ICE FORCE TWO'S!!  

ruddski
ruddski

It simply means the driver is going to turn eventually, he's just leaving his options open.

ruddski
ruddski

Neither, they're all dead.

ruddski
ruddski

Roads are mostly clear now, but parking lots are deep, slick compacted ice from all the snow. It was really fun driving this past week, and the golf courses are prime for XC skiing, but on the whole, I'd rather be in Sarasota.

J_A_
J_A_

So that was you driving 50 down a slippery residential street? You could also, ya know, go around me.

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