Oh Shit, Pete Delkus is Building an Ark

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Tomorrow is the beginning of March, which means the winter that brought you such weather catastrophes as Ice Storm Cleon and ICE FORCE LEVEL TWO will be officially over, right? RIGHT? Sure, spring doesn't officially begin until March 20, but this is Texas. This is supposed to be the time of year when we've stopped whining about the cold and haven't yet begun bitching about the heat.

Leave it to WFAA weather deity Pete Delkus to crush your dreams of pleasant weather. He warned his Facebook followers this morning that an as-yet-unnamed winter storm will be sweeping into Dallas over the weekend:

See also: Pete Delkus Is Pretty Sure He's the Weather God Now

You have got to be kidding me!!!! Sleet and freezing rain are possible again!!!

A cold front will blast through North Texas around noon on Sunday causing temps to PLUMMET (30-40 degrees in a few hours) and some freezing rain and sleet to fall.

Most of the precipitation will fall as rain but some may briefly mix with sleet, light freezing rain and freezing drizzle mid to late afternoon Sunday.

He followed with a satellite image of a frighteningly large storm bearing down mercilessly upon us.

With that, Delkus abandoned his previous assessment -- "I don't see this causing too many problems if any at all," which, in retrospect, may have been a ploy to lull North Texas into a false sense of complacency thereby increasing the chances of his own survival -- and began preparing for doomsday:

Already, Dallas is being pummeled by terrible puns.

God help us.

Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.


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57 comments
AdamsonScott
AdamsonScott

Dear Observer:  Could you please *try* to cut down the number of NSFW headlines and stories on your website?

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Your Myrna has returned from a simply exquisite stroll.  What weather!  Clad in new short shorts Myrna had heads turning; the cats whistled.  Like a fine, sumptuous aging Château Pétrus, the woman is still luscious and getting better.

EdD.
EdD.

As long as Syfy doesn't greenlight "Sharknado 3: Messin' With Texas" we'll be fine.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

I think we need a new storm-rating readiness protocol for the greater North-Texas region. We can fashion it after our National Defense shield, Defcon, (as in - Defcon-1, Defcon-2, etc . . .)  and call it the Delkon Storm Readiness Scale, or the DSRS-Factor, for short.

This scale would warn folks of the magnitude of the impending storm and what precautions they need to take and how much beer and stuff they will need to last out the storm.

For example, in a DELKON-1 situation, as long as you have at least two frozen pizzas, 2 extra rolls of TP and a 6-pack, you should probably be OK. However, in the event of a DELKON-4 event, you'll know that you need to rush frantically to WalMart for a couple cases of Ozarka and several tons of canned goods in case you're frozen in for a couple of days.

Discuss?

ThePineapple
ThePineapple

Naming winter storms is a gimmick. It's why I hate the weather channel. Seriously, it's idiocy. 

ruddski
ruddski

C'mon, Al Gore hasn't issued a single dire warning concerning this storm, and to my knowledge, is nowhere near the predicted path - so no worries about the "Gore effect".

Now if he flies in to any area predicted to be affected, all bets are off, and you'd better stock up on TP and milk, and for some, plenty of Xanax and vodka.

tdkisok
tdkisok

Go to Steve McCaury's Facebook page for the best weather forecast.  

jennifer565
jennifer565

The last average freeze isn't until mid March, so not atypical really.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

I wonder (worry) if these wild swings in weather we've had will result in a fierce tornado season.

ruddski
ruddski

@Adam

Maybe you should work more, surf less. Some of us retired types want more NSFW.

Mervis_Earl
Mervis_Earl

F it. Link won't paste correctly. It was a Jimmy Kimmel bit.

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

@EdD.  

Deep beneath the placid shores of Bachman Lake, it lurks, waiting for Shamu to fly overhead out of Love, then...

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@TheCredibleHulk  YES!  The 3 day ice storm earlier in the winter would've been a 4.  The shelves were rummaged through and empty at all stores, I actually bought 2 cases of bottled water, batteries and 1/4 chord of wood for the fireplace.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@TheCredibleHulk  Well...  not so much for me.  The name Delkon reminds me of the Delkon Shield IUD which caused many women to contract Toxic Shock Syndrome, years and years ago.  I bet you're too young to remember that.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@ruddski  double the vodka, the xanex got confiscated earlier this week

ruddski
ruddski

Old wives tale.

Same as the "reason" cows sometimes lie down in the field.

ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul
ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul topcommenter

@jennifer565  

sorry to nit pick, but I think that you are referring to the average last freeze, which is the date at which half of the last freezes occur later and half of the last freezes occur sooner.

This is not to be confused with the last freeze which actually can occur as late is mid April if memory serves me right.

ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul
ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul topcommenter

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz @TheCredibleHulk 

Myrna, that would be Dalkon.  And the problem was a change from a monofilament retrieval string to a multifilament retrieval string.

I used this case, among others, as illustrations for the unintended consequences of design changes.

ruddski
ruddski

The pineapple vortex approaches the cone of uncertainty, and the next thing ya know, Cantori is kneeing someone in the balls.

I kinda miss Dan Rather hanging on to stop signs and whatnot. "This wind is stronger than a shot of cheap tequila in a Mexican whorehouse!"

ruddski
ruddski

Yes, I noticed the effect right here in this venue. Told ya that stuff was nasty.

ruddski
ruddski

Well, you tell me. What does it mean when a cow lies down in a grassy field?

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@ruddski  

You've demonstrated impressive restraint today, Ruddski.


*scrolls down* Ooops. Spoke too soon?

ColonelAngus
ColonelAngus

@Mervis_Earl Sure, I am aware that Easter is a moving target, but the rule of thumb is easy to remember, and while not infallible it has served me well over the last twenty years.  You could just use May 1st if you prefer.

Mervis_Earl
Mervis_Earl

@ColonelAngus Last 10 Easter dates:

2004April 11

2005March 27

2006April 16

2007April 8

2008March 23

2009April 12

2010April 4

2011April 24

2012April 8

2013March 31

2014April 20

That's a long wait this year.

ruddski
ruddski

@PlanoDave

Careful there Bubba, those rabies shots are mighty painful.

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