Live Blog: Winter Storm Cleon Is Coming For All Of Us

20100211_Michels_DallasSnow_085.jpg
Patrick Michels
This is actually an old picture, and is therefore hugely misleading. But it'll do for now.

Welcome to the Winter Storm Cleon live blog, where will be constantly updating you about a storm that is potentially the apocalypse, another damp squib, or somewhere in between the two. As you are no doubt aware, the Weather Channel's harbinger of sky death, Jim Cantore, is on the ground in Dallas. This means that the end is nigh. Hug your loved ones, locate some firewood (and some toilet paper, for some reason everyone always stockpiles that stuff), and prepare to renounce all your earthly possessions. I will be here for you until the winter storm takes me too.

*****

08:15

Congratulations North Texas. You made it through the FREEZING FOG ADVISORY, probably without ever figuring out what the hell freezing fog is. (For the record: According to Jeff Harby, a random meteorologist we found on the Intenet, "Fog tends to not produce measurable precipitation by itself but it can still wet and moisten objects. In the case of freezing fog, the fog cloud droplets are supercooled. When a droplet contacts an object below freezing it will turn to ice.")

But danger remains, particularly for vehicles parked at the Shops at Legacy in Plano. RIP Chevrolet Impala posted to Reddit:

FallingSnowCarLegacy.jpg
imgur

At first, we wondered if it was a joke. Then, we saw the video.

22:45

Terrifying news from Delkus --

How can fog be cold? I'm no meteorologist, but it seems to me it's more likely that it'll be really cold and then also there will be fog. Or is the fog inherently freezing?

This is the sort of insight you come to this blog for, obviously.

More importantly, what is a visibility of "2"? Is it 2 feet? 2 miles? 2 inches? I'm not going outside, I just want to know if I'll be able to see my car from my front door. Those of you saying "why not just look out your front door?" well, it's dark, you idiot.

*****

Saturday, 21:30

Here's how your favorite political columnist, Jim Schutze, spent the Icepocalypse.

"Walking my two dogs, Dorothy and Penny, we came upon an entire flock of pigeons somehow disabled by the cold, causing them to scuttle on the ground longer than usual before taking flight, which incited an insane hunting frenzy in the dogs who could not be calmed and took off in all directions at once after the poor grounded pigeons, all of this on a sheet of ice in the middle of the street, so that I could not come to a full stop anywhere and had to skate around behind the stupid dogs in the middle of the street screaming at them to stop to absolutely no avail.

The pigeons all escaped. I did not fall. The dogs came home bouncy and happy like it had been the best walk ever."

Rest assured Jim has excellent health insurance anyway.

*****

Saturday, 20:00

At 5:45 a.m. Saturday, the steps leading to the Emergency Room at Presbyterian Hospital Dallas were coated in black, glass-smooth ice, according to Observer copy editor Jesse Hughey. It was as if they were trying to drum up business. He was far too stoned on painkillers to take note of whether the treacherous conditions had improved on his way out that afternoon, much less do any actual journalism like, say, making a five-minute phone call to ask.

*****

Saturday 19:15

We're hearing that some people got stuck on I-35E in Denton County for upwards of 24 hours. I hope their journeys were extremely important, because that's pretty miserable. If you're just heading a couple of exits down to a bar, however, and you get stuck in that, then you should probably reconsider your whole decision-making process. One man was driving from Oklahoma City to Dallas to see Kanye. "We left Oklahoma City around 2:30 p.m. yesterday and we still aren't even in Sanger, Texas and it's almost noon the next day," he told WFAA. Kanye believe it? At least that stretch of 35 has enough chain restaurants to feed the entire population of Luxembourg, and crucially TWO Waffle Houses.

Are Waffle Houses closed? Like hell are they. Waffle Houses wouldn't close if Chutulhu himself were perched on top of them, eating people like hash browns. If your power goes out (and I'm hearing stories of people without power for two days now in the northern 'burbs) let's all meet at a Waffle House. The one in Carrollton is really near Babe's. Just saying.

People are also stranded at the airport. Lots of people are stranded in their homes. People are presumably stranded at wherever they were at about 6pm on Thursday night, meaning there's probably still some people in The Loon as well. Stay put, guys. Next time this happens we'll all have flying drones to bring us stuff, anyway.

*****

Saturday, 18:45

Much as you might want me to update this blog, there is literally nothing happening. We're all stuck inside and everything is cancelled. Even the road outside my house is cancelled by the police. "But Gavin," I hear you cry "this blog didn't feature any useful content, information, commentary, or even words in the first place, and so should be easy to maintain!"

Be that as it might, I've got one hell of a box wine hangover. Given that I am prone to laziness, I simply asked Twitter how they were passing the time being stuck inside, and then re-purposed that as content. The modern world is a wonderful thing.

I don't know what Mizzou is, but I'm going to assume it's some sort of all-powerful wizard that can melt all the ice. Thanks Tracy, I feel reassured.

Meanwhile, a Golden Labrador is working on its sex life.

Let's not speculate about what a personal massager for a very lovely breed of man's best friend looks like.

Me too. I mean, I have a Starbucks gift card and I couldn't even use it if I wanted to. I'm pretty sure that's the worst problem anyone's ever had.

This lady, meanwhile, has made a classic villain's mistake.

Not only has she publicly admitted this, but she can't make a getaway, unless she has either a plane or the gritting machines that the city seems so keen on hiding from us.

Well, alright Jaime. If you insist.

*****

14:00

A breakthrough everyone. We've cracked it. We can officially report, thanks to WFAA, that this ice storm is being caused by some sort of ice witch with an elongated green body. If you look at the radar below, you can clearly see this witch's nose pointing towards Dallas, currently residing in Arkansas.

usa_still.gif
WFAA.com


With her grey hair and her pink/orange face, the only question left is how we appease this continent-spanning sky demon and release our spot of North Texas from her icy grip. I for one, however, welcome our new Ice Sky Witch Overlord.

*****

13:10

We just heard that the Dallas Marathon, Sunday's big running event, has been cancelled. The City might not even have access to 26 miles of grit and/or salt, so it seems for the best unless they want the marathon to be dominated by ice hockey players, bodychecking the poor average Joe marathon runner into parked cars and frozen streams.

For some people, this was a lucky escape.


In fact, it might be a lucky escape for us all.


After all, runners on the route might not find ice trees to their liking.

Priorities, though.

*****

12:00

Let's all stop for a moment to consider the trees. They are living creatures too, and ice is heavy. No tree can shelter in front of Netflix, basking in the warm glow of the 18th consecutive episode of Archer.

No man is an island, but sometimes a tree is.

I'm not even sure what happened to this tree, but it was no doubt tragic.

*****

11:00

We asked the people of Dallas how the storm had affected them. Lashings of ice sent from above, the world they know transformed into a hell frozen over, danger round every corner.

It sure does, series of symbols representing different currencies! Some people, on the other hand, are seeing tragedy wherever they turn this morning.

Some animals are being forced to confront inconvenient truths.

This man, however, has a serious and real problem that we must all come together and help him out with.

So, who's got a spare copy and a catapult?

*****

10:15

Thank God we have Eric, a man who has actual news sources and the skills to disseminate them with. Anyway, back to me. I can report there is a lot of ice, and people seem sad. We have some updates on concert cancellations, a report from an apocalypse-battered Whole Foods, and a full blog about the harbinger of death himself (not Jim Cantore).

Meanwhile, I'm going to tell you a story. The first week I moved to Dallas was the renowned Superbowl week. I couldn't drive, and, assuming Texas to be all desert like our liberal European propaganda had suggested, I had really only packed shorts. Upon arriving at the small motel by I-35 I was to be staying at, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. I called DART to ask them if anything was running, so maybe I could go and buy some milk.

"Sir, we have a lot of snow and ice."
"Yes. I can see that. Will any buses be running?"
"Sir. We have a lot of snow and ice out there."
"I feel like you don't have any real information."
"Well, sir, there's a lot of snow and ice."

The DART employee on the other end of the phone's vision and sentiment hold true to this very day, Dallas. There's a lot of snow and ice.

*****

06:45

Eric here, taking over briefly for Gavin, who has not yet roused from his Franzia-induced slumber. As you can see by the blanket of slush on the ground, the hyperventilating predictions that Dallas would be "entombed in ice" and the panicked rush to stock up on....meat products(?) was totally justified.

That said, there are some 215,731 North Texans without power, according to Oncor, half of them in Dallas County. And there were a lot of car wrecks, at least of which was fatal. And there was a small electrical fire in front of the Joule Hotel that was covered as if were a zombie apocalypse. Wilonsky uploaded this video at 3 a.m.:

*****

Head over the page for all of Thursday's hijinx, including Delkus' sleeves, ice crisis pictures, and speculation on the meaning of colors.


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178 comments
Greg820
Greg820

Hey, um, so like all laws were suspended while were entombed in ice, right?   

markzero
markzero

Whose bright idea was it to knock ice off a roof without clearing the damage area, first? That's what looks like happened in that video, anyway. 

WideAndAllOutside
WideAndAllOutside

and classic lazy ass people esp. in Tx! Oh shit 1/16 inch of snow shut the city down! And everyone runs the the grocery & liquor stores..... Schools should run 100% of the time no matter what as the economy needs less uneducated people by a shit ton

dallas_dude
dallas_dude

Has anyone given a thought to what this does to the economy.  No work means no pay for many of us.  That's two full work days gone in the 2 weeks before xmas.  Fucking idiot schools should open.  Classic local government...no one sees the big picture.

markzero
markzero

Hope Jesse Hughey is okay after whatever sent him to the hospital.

Lakewooder
Lakewooder

Ran out of food yesterday. Schutze, I owe you a chicken.

J_A_
J_A_ topcommenter

Schutze's update was my favorite. My dog did the same thing to me but without the birds. He's blazing a trail of yellow ice.

ChrisYu
ChrisYu topcommenter

we all missed the entertainment event of the season-Schutze on Ice.

CoryGarcia
CoryGarcia

I love you Gavin, but who spells it "Chutulhu"?

MissMacy
MissMacy

I'm a handicapped senior so I don't really go anywhere in GOOD weather, either. I blame this on Benghazi.

ChrisYu
ChrisYu topcommenter

brief moments of sunshine in Uptown!

schnigle
schnigle

Where are the updates???  What are we supposed to do while stuck in our homes -- be productive?

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

It's Icepac-o-lypse day II, are ya'll okay?

Mom got a tree on the greenhouse and into the pool. 

Good times.

Good times.

TracyTBS36
TracyTBS36

It just started to rain in the San Francisco Bay area, and when it did, I blurted "Oh My God, is it the Ice-mageddon that killed Dallas?!"  But NO ONE KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!  They missed what I am hailing as The Blog of the Year, cuz they're too busy over on Buzzfeed with the most-superlative-est top 10 from the 90's end of the year countdown of 2013. 

Greg820
Greg820

I have been informed by the good people at Goodfriend that this s an authorized frozen corpse drop off point. So far so good.

Greg820
Greg820

Can someone calculate the cost of fully charging my iPhone from my car? I could but I don't want to. First responder gets a Cleon: Hendricks Gin with Hendricks Gin with a dash of Hendricks Gin over Cleon ice.

JustMeHere
JustMeHere

Ice Sky Witch Overlord is my new favorite username/password. Thanks, Gavin!

ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul
ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul topcommenter

So where did the name "Winter Storm Cleon" come from?


Folks, remember we had something similar two years ago.  Does anybody remember that winter apocalypse?

Pete_Delkus_Sleeves
Pete_Delkus_Sleeves

Apparently Gavin gives no EFFS and is done updating for the day.  Must be tea time.  Toodles

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

So far Cleon gets a B.  There was enough ice and goop on the roads that most people stayed home, so getting to work was a breeze.  Points off because I couldn't do donuts in Deep Ellum.  Taco Pronto is open, so huevos rancheros were had by all.  E-brake on my truck is now frozen, so truck can't move (boneheaded move setting the ebrake).  People are flying down Mockingbird Ln like it's high summer.

Greg820
Greg820

I went out to scrape all the dead bodies off of the sidewalk but apparently the coyotes took them???

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

Somebody probably wanted a new car.

markzero
markzero


@dallas_dude I hope this was a joke, because the big picture is that your kids were safer at home, and it was certainly safer for the teachers and support staff, many of whom would probably have driven across town to be there, and then would have had to drive home in the dark over refrozen slush.

Pete_Delkus_Sleeves
Pete_Delkus_Sleeves

@dallas_dude well, find a babysitter.  And if you want to risk your life for your hourly wage job, ( i gather you are hrly bc you said you arent getting paid for not working)  then thats on you.  I prefer the safe confines of home where other crazy idiot drivers can hit me

EdD.
EdD.

The government doesn't actually create the weather. Yet.

Pete_Delkus_Sleeves
Pete_Delkus_Sleeves

@schnigle What do big girls and shingles have in common?  They both like to get nailed by Mexicans Seeyatomorrow

Greg820
Greg820

Franzia strikes again.

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

Update:  E-brake has been freed from Cleon's icy clutches.  (lesson learned:  When lying on the ground to pound on rear wheel drums with mallet to release shoes......, lie down BEHIND the tire)

Jesse_Hughey
Jesse_Hughey

@Pete_Delkus_Sleeves @markzero Ha ha, good guess, PDS. They may or may not have played an indirect part. Thanks for the well wishes. I'm back to work now.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@Pete_Delkus_Sleeves  If you're an imposter you're leaving yourself open for identity theft charges and a defamation suit.  If you're Pete then you've gone off the deep end.

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

She's not even here to hiss.

ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul
ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul topcommenter

Pete, you have a phone message from the HR Department.  They would like to have a chat with you about inappropriate humor in the workplace .... 8-D

Greg820
Greg820

Cleon Orudis (5/25/57--11/22/93). Originator of the term "Pimptastic." And lived it. RIP.

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