The Craig Watkins Machine is Slicker and More Slippery Than a Whole Foods Banana Peel

Categories: Schutze

I am a little ill at ease for the moment. I am looking ahead to my manslaughter charges and trying to plan, not that I intend to manslaughter anybody. In the extremely unlikely event I should be charged with causing someone else to slip on a banana peel at the Lakewood Whole Foods at some point in the unforeseeable future, I want to know how to handle it. In case it happens. You never know.

The question is how you get this stuff to the district attorney in Dallas County so you won't get made into a pudding at the courthouse.
It's all about the district attorney. Dallas County District Attorney Craig Watkins shows no signs of going away any time soon, after the extremely able former county judge John Creuzot backed out of a Democratic primary race against him recently after deciding Watkins was unbeatable at the polls. So I figure that figuring out Craig Watkins is the only way to beat the banana peel around these parts.

What do we know? We know that Watkins will bring trumped up criminal charges against a rich person as a favor to another rich person who gives him campaign cash. We know that I am not rich, so Watkins' special relationship with rich people should not affect my chances for beating the banana-peel rap unless, of course, the person who slips is a rich person, in which case I may be somebody's flambé bananas.

We notice also, however, that Watkins seems to be ordering his assistant prosecutors, all of whom are either Democrats or soon to become, to run for election against Democratic judges who have pissed Watkins off by accusing him of doing special favors for rich people. So here's another pickle for me in the dock: what if my case winds up in the court of a judge who used to be an assistant D.A. two days ago but just got elected judge to replace a judge who pissed off Watkins? See what I mean?

I could hock my house, get a night construction job for my wife, take out my checkbook and hire the biggest fattest defense lawyer in town: If the judge in my case is actually a prosecutor, I'm still going to wind up looking like bananas foster (any similarity to any person now living strictly coincidental).

Here's what I think. There's always a guy. For every situation, some guy emerges who can handle it for you. Back when the D.A.'s were all old white Republicans whose avowed purpose in office was to send innocent Democrats up for life just for grins, the guy was a defense lawyer named Peter Lesser. Still very much a force in the courthouse, Lesser has always been just the kind of ex-hippie, New York-born, tough, smart, scorched-earth courtroom guerrilla you needed if the old white chaw-wad guys were trying to turn you into banana pudding.

So who will it be under Craig Watkins? Who is it now, in fact? I believe that somewhere out there is the guy. Because I don't know his name yet, let's call him Peter Greater, and let's assume he's pretty much the political and legal contrary of Peter Lesser.

I go to Peter Greater. I plead my case. The guy was in the next row over at Whole Foods. I never saw him. Yes, I may have nibbled briefly on a portion of a banana, but only because you can never tell about the fruit. No, I do not remember what I did with the peel.

Yes, the peel may accidentally and inadvertently have slipped to the floor. Um, yeah, the little Whole Foods dude in the green apron was yelling at me, accusing me of things. Yes, I did attempt to leave the scene hurriedly.

NO! Absolutely not. The person I pushed from behind was an old lady with a cane, not some rich guy. What? The person accusing me is an old lady with a cane? Shit from Shinola. What can you do for me?

The job of Peter Greater will be to help me get some cash to Craig. Oh, not directly. Please. People are not crude. No, I mean that there's always a way to get some money into the campaign coffers of one of those little assistant D.A.s out there all the time running against judges who have pissed off the boss. The new smart guy, the guy to hire, will be the guy who knows where to put the money. Peter Greater.

The only real question at that point is how much more it will cost me to get that old dame tossed in the slammer for malicious damage to agricultural products. Where there's a wallet, there's a way. It's all about the Peter Principle.

OK, my mind is at ease. I can sleep. Now I know how things will work. Any similarity between this hypothetical scenario and certain events that did transpire last night at the Lakewood Whole Foods is entirely coincidental. Anyone looking for female night construction help please contact me here.

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Must be a ghost writer - I don't see any mention of DISD or Mike Miles in this piece.


I enjoyed this piece.  Thank you Jim.


Well, I would say we should call in the US Justice Department to investigate except the Attorney General does pretty much the same thing on a larger scale so I guess we ought to all skip the trip to Whole Foods and learn to live on Domino's!


Watkins, like John Wiley and Al Lipscomb - for some reason keep getting elected! This has been the worst DAS in Dallas history, getting rid of good area prosecutors and bringing in unqualified attorneys who were out on the street!. He has skated the law, and changed the way area criminals are prosecutes - withh many hard core offenders getting away with their crimes!

Keep it up Dallas - another election and he will run again because he has not been fully prosecuted for his crimes! Voters in Dallas get what they deserve!


Jim, long time reader and admirer of your work, but please tone down the overly-folksy stuff.  It really confuses the issue you are trying to get across.

RTGolden1 topcommenter

If I'm reading this right: Craig Watkins is crooked, Dallas County justice is bought and paid for, and Jim is one banana short of a full fruit basket.  Right?


Creuzot was a District Judge,  not County.  Gov. Ann Richard appointed him,  when the Repubs owned all the offices in the County he quickly became a Repub.  When Dems got them back,  guess what.

The real reason he didn't make the DA's race,  nobody could depend on him.  He figured he had to have the support of Repubs 'cause Craig is so firmly entrenched with Dems.  Yeah,  I know,  he almost wasn't re-elected,  almost counts in horseshoes.   Repubs told him to go pound sand,  they'd have their own candidate.

Every DA in Dallas County has tried to ease the path of their Assistants to the Bench.  When Henry Wade was DA,  it was packed with 'em.  Most of whom still thought they were prosecutors.  

And,  some of the current crop of Judges, IMHO,  need to be replaced.   Some are crazy as outhouse rats,   anytime you get more than three dozen (or is it four) lawyers,   a couple are gonna be nuts.

As far as the rich getting better quality justice,  since when is that a surprise?  What planet you been living on?


Sometimes, extended (strained) fruit-based metaphors can defeat the best of us.....

Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

Should of got a chair massage while you were there to calm your nerves. Btw ...WF aprons are black.


Why is it always the banana flavored taffy that nobody wants?


@lzippitydoo Go down and watch a few trials and tell me how many "hardcore criminals" are getting off, they are handing out max sentences like candy down there.

The US has 5% of the world's population and 25% of its prison/parole/probation population, yet idiots like you spout this crap off


@lzippitydoo Al Lipscomb has been dead for more than two years, He lost his last election. 


@lzippitydoo ...yeah, I know, I know, and Ronald Reagan was God, little Bush is Jesus and Rick Perry is John the Baptist...I know....

JimSX topcommenter

@bvckvs @Greg820 

Helps sometimes to use your finger, as I am doing at this very moment.


@bvckvs @halldecker Neighbor's kid told me,  the only reason to go to rehab is when all your sources have been rolled up,  you need to find new ones.  You'll meet at least a few 'rehabbers' who can turn you onto theirs.

Legend is,  the only reason Creuzot got appointed to begin with,  his folks own Frenchy's,  a legendary sandwich shop in Houston.  I'm not kidding.

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