Here Are the Sickest Red-River-Rivalry Burns Traded by the Texas/OU Student Newspapers

Categories: Sports

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Even now, legions of fans are descending on the State Fair for the legendary (and lopsided) match-up between the Big 12's bitterest rivals. But before the cries of "Texas Fight!" and the invalid moaning of "Boooomer" carom through the Cotton Bowl, the schools' respective editorial boards traded some good-natured barbs. And some really shitty-natured ones.

Here are our favorite sick burns:

From the Daily Texan editorial board:

"It seems a little unfair, though, that all the revenue generated by the game each year should be in Texas. In fact, we thought about offering to have the game at the Oklahoma State Fair this year. But then again, why would we want to travel hundreds of miles just to see the fattest cows in the state when you already bring them to Dallas every year?"

I award the above paragraph the title of Sickest Burn.

"Of course, we do send a pretty large sum of money to OU every year in the form of out-of-state tuition from the thousands of Texas-born Sooners. But really, thank you for opening your doors to all those Texas high schoolers who were too dumb to get into a real school but too proud to go to a community college; they can only fit so many in Lubbock."
"And if some unfathomable chain of events causes us to lose the game on Saturday, then you can save this article to rub in our faces next year. Perhaps you'll hang it up somewhere in your double-wide; there should be a nice spot between your NASCAR commemorative plates and that picture from the time you saw Josh Heupel at Applebee's. It's currently occupied by your University of Oklahoma diploma, but let's be honest, you weren't using that, anyway."

For the record, the chain of events leading to a Texas loss will not be in any way unfathomable.

And now, the Oklahoma Daily's editorial board:

"At least your charity commitment to the McCoy family is almost through, though. Are the McCoys holding Bill Powers' family hostage or something? You don't have to answer that out loud, just blink once for yes and twice for no."
"We know you're supposed to be a 'smart school, but with the downward turn your football program has taken in the past few years, you'll excuse us for thinking you might need a little help."
"Math might be a little hard for you right now, so we'll break it down for you. If you guys were to double your national championships, you would still be short of Oklahoma's seven. It's all right. If it weren't for bad teams like you, good programs like ours wouldn't have anyone to entertain us when we're bored."

I know you guys are journalists and journalists generally suck at math, but last time I checked, Texas had four national championships. Am I wrong about this? In my opinion, the burn's sickness is greatly diminished by its own inaccuracy.

"And who names their sons Colt and Case, anyway? That's just mean. It's bad enough that Colt's NFL career never took off. At least Case can keep the family business alive stepping in for David Ash. The McCoy parents must be so proud with both their sons being career backups."
"In closing, we would like to say thanks again for some truly great memories over the last three years. We will never forget the 146 points you've let us score in three games or what a half empty Cotton Bowl looks like. Our last meeting left Big Tex burning down out of embarrassment. Hopefully the "new and improved" Big Tex will be better at handling the loss."

Invoking Big Tex: Now that is an officially sick burn, bro.

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21 comments
Ashley192361984
Ashley192361984

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G_David
G_David

The national championship total is a matter of some debate.  In 1970 they won the coaches poll, but not the AP.  So even though Texas claims it as a national championship, pretty much nobody else does, as they had to share it with Nebraska and Ohio State.

barry155
barry155

"Sickest burn"? Am I the only one that feels like I'm reading something a dad would write in an effort to appear hip? 

DemiMM
DemiMM

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Threeboys
Threeboys

Don't worry about paying Mack any more money Texas fans. The Sooner Nation is happy to pay any salary increase you want.

P1Gunter
P1Gunter

As much as I hate this weekend every year as a Dallasite, I hope it never goes away. There is a certain magic to this game at the Cotton Bowl every year. I'm sure Grambling/PV is the same way, I've just never been to that game (though I hope to some day, even if I'm the only cracker in the house).

James080
James080

What would you have if you removed all of the Texans from OU's football team?

Something along the lines of UTEP. 

On the other hand:

Is there a university in America with as many resources as UT, and so little to show for it?

It's no accident that "underachievement" begins and ends with UT.

mcdallas
mcdallas

The real rivalry is between UT and Iowa State.  OU is on a different level.

mavdog
mavdog topcommenter

I'd give the Daily Texan the win. they were much more creative and humourous, and they also were successful in not only belittling OU they got a good line in about Tech, too.

too bad the football game won't be nearly as entertaining.

roadsidecouch
roadsidecouch

@G_David aND oklahoma won the AP one year but not the coache's poll because they were on probation.  NO ONE should win a championship while on probation, EVER!

LeroyJenkem
LeroyJenkem

Back in the Eighties, the cartoonist of the comic "Thadeus and Weez" joked that the reason we had so many brand new and insane state constitutional amendments up for a vote was to drive us crazy and ultimately allow Texas to be assimilated by Oklahoma. This way, OU's football players really WOULD be from Oklahoma.

Threeboys
Threeboys

Just remember. Most of those Texans playing at OU, chose it over UT.

Boomer

Threeboys
Threeboys

Just remember. All those Texans excelling at OU, chose it over Texas.

Sorry, had to reboot.

P1Gunter
P1Gunter

@DallasSportsPrincess Ha, halftime at Texas/OU is hilarious. Thousands of college kids streaming to the nearest beer stand and pounding them because they can't buy beer in the stadium and their buzz is fading. It's extraordinarily entertaining.

Also entertaining, and I learned this back when I lived in Denton, is the massive stream of Oklahoma license plates that head north on IH-35 as soon as OU loses. A couple times I've seen joyous Texas fans dropping banners taunting the Sooners from the overpasses up in the Denton/Lewisville area.

I could really care less who wins, but the event is quite a spectacle.

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