My Cell Phone Hates Me. It's Mutual.

Categories: Schutze

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So today the daily newspaper tells me my cell phone is the portal through which Texas is being subjected to a massive text-message spam and phone-call phishing attack. You think?

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Library of Congress
How my cell phone makes me feel.

Because that would explain the endless text messages I have received in recent weeks informing me that my pay-day loan for $1,000 is ready and waiting for deposit to my bank account and all I have to do is text my account number and my online password to a stranger in Ukraine.

No, my cell phone is not a portal. Let me tell you what my cell phone is. My cell phone is my worst enemy. My cell phone is a damn mugger who happens to live in my pocket. My cell phone is the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Hey, before my own cell phone started trying to rob me with con jobs, it was already turning all of my conversations over to the police. Do I have a lot of conversations the police shouldn't hear? Probably not any. But let me suggest something to you: Even if I never say a single police-worthy thing in my life, I still find it supremely unfriendly of my cell phone to rat me out to the police all the time anyway. It's humiliating.

And while we're on the subject, I'd like to mention another thing about my cell phone. It does a really lousy job of what it's supposed to do -- convey conversations. Half the people who call me sound like they're trying to communicate from the crypt. It's not just my phone. It's everybody else's too. Cell phones generally are the lousiest, crappiest sound systems in the whole world, worse than greeting cards that say happy birthday when you open them.

What a huge pain. I've thought of all the possible polite ways to tell people I can't understand a single word they are saying. There are no polite ways. "Hey, if you don't mind, it sounds a little like you may have your cell phone pressed to your forehead instead of your ear. Idiot."

So, let me count the ways. Constantly tries to drain my bank account and send all my money to Ukraine. Sells every single phone conversation I make to the cops. And I can't understand jack that people say on it to me anyway.

By the way, whoever you are, please give up calling me with your number disguised as, "Unknown," "000 000 0000," or "State Police Dead Relative Alert." Yes, I was slow to wise up. Yes, you got me with that "Mature Male Models Needed" text. But now I am on to you.

The only thing that stops me from chucking it into a storm drain is that then I wouldn't be able to get those calls from my family asking me if I am doing anything important at the moment. Yeah, I just love those calls. They make my day. Thanks for that, cell phone. You've done so much for me.


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20 comments
pwz2k
pwz2k

I won't be sucker into upgrading to a new phone each year. There's never much difference and I don't have the need to seem "cool" and have the latest phone. I will keep my $$$ in my pocket. I am still using the iPhone 4 and it works like new still! I used http://cashtostay.com and they just paid me $100 for renewing my 2-year contract with AT&T. So not only do I not need to upgrade my phone, but I just got paid $100 on top of it for not being a sheep and trying to get the latest thing!

pwz2k
pwz2k

I won't be sucker into upgrading to a new phone each year. There's never much difference and I don't have the need to seem "cool" and have the latest phone. I will keep my $$$ in my pocket. I am still using the iPhone 4 and it works like new still! I used http://cashtostay.com and they just paid me $100 for renewing my 2-year contract with AT&T. So not only do I not need to upgrade my phone, but I just got paid $100 on top of it for not being a sheep and trying to get the latest thing!

hall16243
hall16243

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holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

download the free app "Call Control".  It blocks numbers from a constantly updated community-based system and it's hooked up to the "no call list" which is also updated.  You can also add numbers from you recent call log.  It works. Never even rings. Extremely effective and simple to operate.  And never blocks the wrong number.  

I got this on a recommendation a few weeks back when that phone room from from hell - payday loan guys - began calling up to 50 times a day.  I'm not exaggerating.   They are offshore so you can't stop them.  They buy blocks of unused Sprint cell phone numbers.  It took 3 or 4 days to add in the numbers individually until I figured out all you had to do is put in the area code and first three digits, then it blocked the entire Sprint batch they bought.

I think it will do the same for text msgs.

ruddski
ruddski

It's not very hard to harness the technology correctly. "I bought this shotgun and dead things keep turning up in front of it, I hate this shotgun!"

ericrapesbabies
ericrapesbabies

Jim Schutze, why do you work at a place that employs the child-raping cannibal Eric Nicholson? Shame on you! WTF is wrong with you? Eric Nicholson rapes babies to death and then eats them, covered with a delicate jizz sauce! He's never denied it! The only conclusion a good liberal progressive can come to is that you rape and eat babies too, Jim!

Jim Schitze rapes babies to death and then eats them! He's never denied it!

Haw haw this "liberal humor" technique is awesome!

Eric Nicholson and Jim Schutze are child-raping cannibals!

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Phone is now the same as email account; no matter what you do you can't stop the spam.  At least with the phone I can get some entertainment by calling them back and harassing whoever answers, then blocking the number..

Rumpunch1
Rumpunch1

I'm just waiting for Apple to release a telephone app.

Sharon_Moreanus
Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

Old white men crack me up.

Careful Jitterbug Jim...AARP may take your card away.

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

Stop using it.  I will often leave the cell at home or in the car.  If I'm at work and it rings I don't answer it.

Another thing, there is no expectation of privacy on a cell phone, a regular phone, the internet, a fax, FedEx, or the US postal service.  Any interaction you have with other people that is not face to face in a locked and sealed room is not private, and even some of those won't be.  It may seem a bit harsh, but that is the reality of modern life.

Really, though, try the leaving the phone at home thing.  For the first few hours you'll miss it and wonder how you ever got along without it, by the end of the day, you'll wonder why in the hell you ever bought one.

Lakewooder
Lakewooder

I've been "pre-approved"  via text on several occasions in recent months but aside from that, my phone works great. Who's your provider, UzbekiTel?

JimSX
JimSX topcommenter

@Sharon_Moreanus 

How much more?

gregmarcydagama
gregmarcydagama

@RTGolden1 Cannot agree with your take on the privacy issue. That type of conformity to 'modern life' is just what the f'head corporatist fascists hope citizens like you will say. Don't stand for it. Fight back or your kids if you have any will be zombie wards of the State. What would your ancestors tell you to do?

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

@gregmarcydagama I'm not worried about what the corporate fascists, or government snoops want me to think or say.  I'm merely stating the reality.  Over the Air broadcast signals are, by their very nature, susceptible to interception, intrusion, meaconing, jamming, recording, etc.  You have no control over the transmission once it leaves the transmitter, therefore you have NO PRIVACY.  It is not a corporate conspiracy or governmental plot, it is a fucking fact of physical science.  The same can be said of communications sent over wires, unless you control the wires, with 100% positive control from end to end, you have no privacy.  You have it backwards greg, the corporate and government want you to believe you DO have the expectation of privacy; much easier to gather information from a mindless schmuck who thinks his text messages, emails, and phone calls ONLY go to the intended recipient.

You can believe it any way you want.  Stick your head in the sand and ignore the obvious facts, if it makes you feel more independent.  Ignoring reality rarely invalidates reality.

Sharon_Moreanus
Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

When u stop writing checks ..I could be.

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