Ted Cruz for President: Everybody Just Shut Up and Let This Happen

Categories: Buzz

Thumbnail image for cruzassaultrifle.jpeg
You probably can't even buy those things in Canada ... unless you're older than 21 or something. Isn't that right, Ted?
Every week, managing editor Patrick Williams disappears into his office and reemerges a cranky, nicotine-addicted, third-person-referring superhero we like to call Buzz.

Pity Texas Senator Ted Cruz. The poor man can't even go to Iowa for a little praying, a little fundraising and a little defending of traditional marriage without stirring up an overheated pot of speculation about whether he plans to run for president in 2016.

Like there aren't just tons of good reasons for anyone to travel to Iowa in July. All the fashionable folk go there. It's like the St. Tropez of the Midwest, only with more corn and pigs and fewer Frenchmen, which any right-thinking American should see as a plus.

So there's Ted, up in paradise, probably just to sample the fine cuisine (mmm -- loose-meat sandwiches). He stops by to get a laying on of hands from a bunch of ministers -- common activity for Iowa visitors, as everyone knows -- and to say a prayer for marriage, which is in all the tourism brochures. "There's no issue where we need to be more on our knees," he says, which viewed in a certain light (dimmed) is actually a pretty good way to preserve marriages.

Anyhow, it's all innocent, good-time Iowa fun, and BAM! The liberal media again start questioning whether he is even eligible to run for president because he was born in Canada, the same question they raised last spring.

Damn media. Listen, his American-born mother and Cuban-immigrant father happened to be working in Calgary when Cruz was born, but his mother's citizenship makes him as American as apple pie, or its Canadian equivalent. (Apple poutine?) Besides, we're talking about Canada here, which isn't a real foreign country like Kenya or Hawaii or something. Hell, if someone farts on a street corner in Calgary on a winter day, you can smell it in Amarillo two days later if a blue norther's howling in. Of course, the air's pretty ripe most days in Amarillo, but you get the point: Even if Cruz were Canadian, which he's not, Canadians should be counted as honorary Americans. Except Celine Dion, who should be hauled out of Vegas in leg irons, sent home and put on a terrorism watch list for "My Heart Will Go On."

Listen: The important thing is, Ted is American enough to run for president. And just because his father reportedly got his U.S. citizenship long after Ted was born, let's not have any vicious "anchor baby" talk. At least not yet.

Can we just have some civility back in our political discourse? That's all Buzz is asking, and if anyone is a shining example of the need for more civility, it's Ted Cruz. We -- we're talking to you, liberal media -- don't want to start pounding on Cruz before he's even really running. It's like coaxing a squirrel to eat from your hand. Any sudden movements now might scare him off, and that could cost us many, many months of entertainment.



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38 comments
jjhlh1
jjhlh1

Senator Cruz looks like Nostradamus right about now with the Obamacare fiasco and millions of Americans losing their healthcare plans and doctors, despite Obama saying they wouldn't. Cruz warned us with his 21 hour Senate speech what was going to happen. 

And if people think they are safe and that Obamacare won't affect them because they get their insurance through work, they are in for a rude awakening. The report is now out that 93 million of them are going to lose their coverage because their current plan doesn't meet the requirements of Obamacare. There is a reason Obama delayed the employer mandate until 2015; so he wouldn't have to face the wrath of even more disillusioned voters who lose their plans and doctors during the 2014 elections. We already know how good Obama's word is. Period. 

roo_ster
roo_ster

It would be fun to watch Cruz skewer whomever the Democrats nominated.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

I think the hyper-patriotism and overly sincere eyebrow contortions of Cruz are a clever ruse on the American people by our seemingly harmless neighbors to the north to infiltrate our government to try to tame and assimilate us.

That's what this is all aboot.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

It doesn't matter if he is eligible or not.  The SCOTUS has been pretty clear that no one in creation has standing to challenge any candidate's constitutional qualifications.

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

He needs a strong running mate. Someone with experience. A former governor perhaps.

I hear Palin's available.

Monica Moore
Monica Moore

Please oh please oh pleeeeeeaase don't run for President, Ted. I don't think I can take months of your voice/face coming at me every day. Ugh.

mavdog
mavdog topcommenter

very accurate musings about Amarillo btw. Lubbock is even worse when the wind comes from the east...

you're right about the beauty of Iowa this time of year, and Cruz heard it is even lovelier in New Hampshire now...but by golly DO NOT ask if he plans to run for national office, why would you even think that way?

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

"Loose meat sandwich"  Thats what you get when take to middle aged hookers home

LeroyJenkem
LeroyJenkem

Oh, this should be fun. After all, you can never have too many blowhard, sociopathic Texas Senators collecting record funds for a Presidential run, only to get their asses kicked in the first couple of primaries, in one's lifetime.

Obummer
Obummer

Yo identification should be demanded o' anyone who comes ta vote at uh votin’ place.

whocareswhatithink
whocareswhatithink

Lucky for Ted......Chris Christie was going to eat him...literally.

James Wright
James Wright

he is a naturalized citizen, just like myself. So no just like me He can not be president. And My Dad was US Military at the time. and I can not be president.

Joe Downey
Joe Downey

He can not run for President he was born in Canada Winnipeg is not AMERICA

Brian Chestnut
Brian Chestnut

He will embarrass us just like Perry did. When will people learn? That over the top tea party/Bible Belt stuff only works in.... wait for it....wait for it.... The southern Bible Belt areas. Imagine that!

Chelsea Ellis
Chelsea Ellis

Does it say in the Constitution that he must be born in the United States, or merely that he must be a natural born citizen? Food for thought.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

After the heinous attacks and lies put out by the rotting GOP for years that Obama was not born in the US, the creeps want us to be all nicey and not bring up the fact that Cruz, the immigrant hater, was born in another country. 

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

@roo_ster What do you call it when you laugh so hard snot comes out your nose? Cause that's what I just did.

PatrickWilliams
PatrickWilliams moderator

@TheCredibleHulkOn the plus side, if we change the national anthem to the theme from Great White North http://youtu.be/GsgVspgy184 everyone will be able to remember the words, and ball games will start a lot quicker. "Koo loo koo koo koo koo-koo-koo." Repeat. Play ball.


LeroyJenkem
LeroyJenkem

"Elect Cruz, or we bomb the Baldwins! AGAIN!"

CitzenKim
CitzenKim

@LeroyJenkemI was about to say that Cruz for President would win the rural South and Midwest but get his ass kicked everywhere else.  But as you pointed out, he'll never get out of the primaries.  South Carolina and Texas aren't going to cut it.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

@Chelsea Ellis Well, let's not actually look at the constitution or anything.  After all, only kooky libertarians and tea partiers read that dusty old tome.

dsmithy3211
dsmithy3211

@Chelsea Ellis No, "natural born" clearly applies to the method of birthing. Anybody born via C-section is ineligible to run for POTUS.

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz HAH!  The republicans didn't wait that long to turn a blind eye to their own arguments.  When Obama was running, nobody mentioned that McCain was born in Panama.  How the cruel wheels of fate do turn.

LeroyJenkem
LeroyJenkem

I don't even think Cruz could get South Carolina. His problem is that he seems to think that he has a message that resonates with the entire American public, not just the senile delinquents crying impotently about the universe changing without their express written permission. Phil Gramm believed that his own farts were the word of God, too, and he couldn't even win the Louisiana caucus in 1996, even after pushing for changes that would have given him an advantage. If I remember correctly, before he finally dropped out and went back to being "the esteemed Senator from Enron," Gramm never managed to crack more than single-digit numbers in any of his primary returns, and that's with all of the money he got from his buddies in Dallas. If Cruz is dependent mostly on his base, that's stealing contributions from perfectly good televangelists.

LeroyJenkem
LeroyJenkem

And let's not forget that the first half of the last decade was dedicated to the argument that the "native-born" provision was no longer necessary, just in case Arnold the Barbarian wanted to run.

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