Tips for Rick Perry's Next Campaign: Stop Being Such a Lefty

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Good read by Jay Root in The Texas Tribune today about whether Governor Oops will run for re-election as governor of Texas or run for something else, who knows what, president of France, whatever. Root suggests it will be the governorship again for Oops, and he talks some about other Republican gubernatorial candidates, for example Tom Pauken and Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott.

Root ponders how Oops might do against them. My only caveat would be that it's not a question of how he will do against them. It's what. And remember: He may be Oops, but he's also the governor.

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Absent from Root's otherwise thoughtful analysis is any mention of what Oops did to Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison to beat the socks off her in the 2010 primary, which started with Hutchison way out front. Nor did I see any mention of Dave Carney, the guru from New Hampshire who told Oops how to do it in '10.

Carney's advice was simple. Dive right. And it worked like a Hail Mary. That's how you get elected and re-elected governor of Texas. Just make sure you're at least one football field to the right of everybody else.

Next question: How can Governor Oops get to the right of two ultra-right-wing guys like Greg "No Abortion At All" Abbott and Tom "No Welfare At All" Pauken? Answer: Easy, he's the governor.

When he was running against Hutchison, she said she wanted to clamp down harder on the border with Mexico. Oops said we needed to invade Mexico. So now what does he do if both Pauken and Paul say we should invade Mexico?

Invade Mexico. I told you: He's the governor. He just sends the Texas Air National Guard down there and has them fly around over Matamoros for a couple days. Terrific visuals of Mexicans looking skyward. Oops gets 100 percent of the votes in the Republican primary. Yeah, OK, so Obama and the feds will get all jacked out of shape and tell him what he's doing is illegal. He's got the perfect comeback.

Oops.

Hutchison offered some weak-ass stuff about the feds need to stop telling Texas what to do. Oops suggested Texas might need to secede and start another civil war. Yeah, that got all the libtards in New York in a twist, and people started talking about how it's technically illegal to start a civil war or something. Our governor had the perfect fallback.

Told you already: oops. He changed his position and said we shouldn't secede after all, just drag our feet and try to screw up the nation from within.

OK, so imagine that Pauken or Abbott tries to put the juice back in that one and says we should go back to thinking about secession. You already know what Oops needs to do, right? You got it. Secede.

Then what happens? Nothing happens. What do you think happens if a guy says he secedes? Nobody would even know what to do with that. The rest of the country would ignore him and write him off as one more crazy person in Texas. Here in Texas, he'd get the crazy vote, which is huge.

I have a lot of other great ideas about how Oops could dive to the right of those other half-asses. Before he brings Carney back from New Hampshire and pays him another zillion bucks, I wish Oops would give me and my ideas a look.

For example, I have known Pauken for a very long time, since we both wrote columns for The Dallas Times Herald. I like to think he and I helped make the Herald what it is today. I am telling you: You can count on Pauken coming out for an English-only official language law of some kind in Texas.

What does Oops do with that? Oh, man, it's so obvious: He comes out for a law against foreign accents. I would even include Yankee accents in there, except that I've got one. But you know what kind of accent we mean, anyway, right? One in particular, eh Señor? Nudge-nudge? Republicans would go nuts for that.

It's already obvious both Pauken and Abbott are going to come out against all abortion. So Oops comes out against sex. No, not for Republicans. But like no sex for non-citizens. He might even want to expand the no-sex law to certain other populations according to what kind of music they listen to (nudge-nudge).

How do you enforce a no-sex law? Wouldn't that require some huge new bureaucracy and the growth of government? Oh, hell no. You deputize the Tea Party to watch. Wow, you talk about something that would be crazy popular with the base. If the governor could add gay and lesbian sex to it somehow and put the Tea Party in a position to really get into the homes and observe, it would be like the impossible dream for those guys, their true mission from the beginning.

I could go on and on. Obviously. I promise not to. I'll stop. My point is that statewide politics in Texas is always about one thing only. The dive to the right. He who dives farthest wins the most votes. We already know who that will be, and there's only one thing we can say about it. Starts with Ooooo.

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19 comments
TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Very funny - in a terrifying sort of way.

shoeguyster
shoeguyster

All this confirms my decision that, even as a ten generation Texan, I had no honorable future in the Lone Star State. Sure there are people I love still in State, but it is governed by soulless sociopaths. Good Hair first among the politely deranged.

joeinbost
joeinbost

Concerning Texas leaving the UNION  Please do so. Texas is nothing but a white version of Nigeria where scams are not against the LAW  but supported by the LAW.

What other State can you be swindled  and the Dallas DA or the State AG tells you that 80,000 is not much, and to SUCK IT UP . 

Beware of these two men Trey Teichelman  III of  McKinney a Notary who self notarizes and the Sec of State is OK with it

Other man is Scot Cockroft of VR Business who sells lien items and he "hires' alleged Lawyer who write up Contracts to sell items that had a legal lien on them by the Landlord  but he "MISSED THEM'. This Lawyer who did this I believe has been appointed Rockwall County Court of Law  Judge, TY  Rick Perry. He might have sat on a case he was involved with, but that is TEXAS JUSTICE, you have the money you can Buy the Judge and  JUSTICE

Joeinbost @aol.com

roo_ster
roo_ster

It is a pleasure to read columns like this, where a lefty goes apeshinola in a frenzy of hate & condescension against Gov Goodhair.  Such a spectacle of anger & impotence, like a eunuch raging in a whorehouse.  Here is some guy they think is a nitwit--and he kicks their azzes...every...single...time.  

If Perry is such an idiot wanker, what does that make the people who lose, lose, lose to him?  Yes, even lower than a wanker.  Reminds me of that movie Trainspotting:

"It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some hate the English. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are COLONIZED by wankers. Can't even find a decent culture to be colonized BY. We're ruled by effete assholes. It's a SHITE state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and ALL the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference."

There is nothing so sweet as the tears of a hippie. 




Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Texas keeps electing this embarrassing ass over and over again.  The state is a national joke because of the buffoons people keep putting out there to represent Texas. 

wcvemail
wcvemail

You had a good cup of coffee this morning, Jim. This is one of your better columns in months.

Editors must have had some kind of weak tea ("...will the governorship..." and "At Al".)

Wait, am I supposed to criticize first, then praise, for a sweeter after-taste?

BO105
BO105

I'm not saying I'm gifted or anything but I created my own birth certificate with Photoshop.

LeroyJenkem
LeroyJenkem

I have to admit that the "no sex" position might be a perfect one for Perry. After all, most of his political positions are a variation of "Do as I say, not as I do." And when the inevitable video appears, involving bunny suits, overflowing toilets, six-foot sandstone strap-ons lubed with fresh habaneros, and cries of "It smells like shit, Daddy! It smells like shit!", he can just say "Oops!" once again.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

@joeinbost Yep - Political incompetence, crony capitalism  and corruption are unique to Texas.  

JimSX
JimSX topcommenter

@roo_ster 

You forgot to ask, if he's such an idiot wanker, what does that make the people who vote for him? I'm going to let you wrestle with that one for a while. 

animas
animas

Roo_ster,   The irony here is that the  superficially "perpetually" triumphant   "azz kicker" Gov-for-life- Perry was initially a Democrat. Given his consistent  proclivity to make conservatives and Republicans seem a few IQ points below normal to the restless potential  large voting blocks in the general public,  one wonders if he isn't a Democrat party mole/sleeper. (secret weapon).

zuca51
zuca51

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz R u kidding? Have u seen the idiots being elected by Chicago, NY and California. Hell, NY has Weiner running currently for NY. Now that's a joke. Texas is doing fine. We love our state. We love the current job options and economy. We love that people are moving from other states to benefit from what we have. The only "national joke" is a president who doesn't know what's happening in the country UNLESS he reads it in the news. Now that's a national joke, the amount of irresponsibility, lying, corruption and detachment is a national embarrassment caused by the "buffoons people" that elected him again.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

@Myrna.Minkoff-KatzKnow it won't matter but will vote against Little Ricky again and put up a yard sign for whatever random opponent shows up on the ballot.   Hell I still have and wear my "How hard could it be" Kinky t-shirts.

I still like where I live regardless of how foolish Oops makes us seem and looking around the country it could actually be worse.

joeinbost
joeinbost

@BO105  You might need to Photo shop  a Birth Certificate  for a man  who was born out of this country  for a man born to a White Woman  who married  a Foreign Communist. Yeah TEDDY CRUZ   born in Canada of an American woman who was married to a Hispanic Communist from Cuba

Willie
Willie

@Sotiredofitall Hardly ... Illinois invented it.  Illinois has had way more governors imprisoned than Texas.

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