A Dallas Man Was Sitting at a Park When He Was Kicked in the Face, Forced to Sing a Song

Categories: Crime

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It was a really nice day yesterday, wasn't it? Not too windy, not too hot, not too humid. Perfect Sunday weather, all the better to sit in the park, feel the fresh air, and, with any luck, not have some asshole come along and kick you in the face.

See also:
- Doggy-Door Gun Heist Ends in Federal Gun, Conspiracy Charges
- More bizarre crime stories in Dallas

A 21-year-old Dallas man managed to achieve two out of three yesterday. The man, who we'll call John -- because, according the police report, that's his first name -- was sitting on a bench near Casa Linda Park, a few miles east of White Rock Lake. It was around one in the afternoon. He was alone, smoking a cigarette, when a man he didn't know sprinted up to him.

"What's your name?" the man asked. "Where do you live? What are you doing at the park?"

John stood up. His questioner apparently didn't much care for that, because he promptly kicked him in the face.

"Don't move," the man told John. "Keep your hands on the bench."

Then things got weird. The man demanded that John sing him a song. Thinking fast, John sang an improvised number, according to the police report, "about wanting to go home."

After this impromptu yet deeply disturbing vocal recital, John's captor kept asking him questions about where he stayed. He also kept telling him not to get up. Once or twice, to drive the point home, he punched him in the face. Several times, he casually told John that he was going to kill him. John later told the cops that he didn't try to run because he assumed, sensibly enough, that the man would hurt him if he tried.

The whole thing lasted for about an hour. Finally, John's captor apparently got bored and walked off. The police report doesn't list any physical description of the suspect, and no arrests have been made.

John seems to have kept admirably calm, considering. We're also impressed that he didn't just opt to sing "Happy Birthday" or the Friends theme song, as so many of us would probably default to under similar circumstances. Or maybe "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"? There's really no right answer here, is there?

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53 comments
TillaTheDeejay
TillaTheDeejay

You all think this is funny stuff it looks like. I wish somebody WOULD try that on me. I'd be singing their funeral procession theme song.

Tolldya
Tolldya

He should've started singing the Trololo song.

cereboso
cereboso

Moral of the story: don't smoke.

gordonhilgers
gordonhilgers

It's too bad he didn't sing a show tune, because that skin would have experienced rectophobia for the first time in his life! 

Blake Pritz
Blake Pritz

I wish amutthafukkawould....he just stayed seated? Fuk that...come up to me kick me, punch me in the face, tell me you're going to kill me, and you better fucking kill me....cuz when I get up your life is over

observist
observist topcommenter

He should have started singing Rick Astley for the first live-action Rickrolling ever to make the police blotter.

Rick O'Bryan
Rick O'Bryan

Jay Leno takes that karaoke bit too far...

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

"The Macarena" was written for instances such as this.

ChangingF8
ChangingF8

Sitting on a park bench...Eyeing idle girls with bad intent...

Darrell Crawford
Darrell Crawford

Sitting on a park bench Eyeing idle girls with bad intent.

todd
todd

Perfect Sunday weather, sitting on a bench, standing up, or assholes.  Which do we need to ban to keep this from happening again?

MushMouth1
MushMouth1

Now I know why American Idol is tanking - this audition process is brutal

mcdallas
mcdallas

I would have sung the theme song to "Walker, Texas Ranger".  Then Chuck Norris would have round-housed the dude into next week.

Dawn Wildfang
Dawn Wildfang

What is going on with our society? I'm so ashamed of ppl everyday! People lack empathy and understanding now. They are desensitized. I blame parents. Yeah you can boo me! We never behaved like kids do today, it wasn't ever even a thought to do such a thing. You can't blame the schools, there only there to educate kids with math, science, reading etc.... It's the parents who are in charge of giving kids a good foundation to build on. Every child that breaks the law, the parents should be held accountable. Every punishment a kid gets the parents should get also. It's a tragedy that people treat one another with no regard today. It's become a "all about me" society for kids.

NewsDog
NewsDog

I would have started with 'Happiness is a warm gun' and pulled my legally concealed .45 to emphasize the point and then transitioned into 'Maxwell's silver hammer'. Specifically the line...'BANG BANG Maxwell's silver hammer...'  .

alteredjustice
alteredjustice

Chip 'N Dale's Rescue Rangers theme song, that's all I have to say.

roo_ster
roo_ster

Oh, yeah, and I would have been packing, so somewhere between "The other night dear" and "I was mistaken" Mr Kicky I. N. Terrogates could have expected some accompaniment.

roo_ster
roo_ster

My standard number for involuntary song is "You are my sunshine."

Dallas_expat_in_MT
Dallas_expat_in_MT

A man standing up was kicked in the face?  Do the police have a BOLO out for Bruce Lee?

Matt A Hale
Matt A Hale

The twist. John has an abussive home life, and this elaborate story is to hide his shame.

Daniel
Daniel

I would have sung Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands. That'd run him off. (Pretty sure he'd be gone by "the kings of Tyrus with their convict list are waiting in line for their geranium kiss." But for sure, by the time I got to "the farmers and the businessmen, they all did decide to show you the dead angels that they used to hide," I could simply stand erect, dust off my knees, mostly for dramatic effect, and return to my cigarette,  butthappy and worryfree.)

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

'total eclipse of the heart' might have scared him off.

CornyDoggy
CornyDoggy

@keeponkeepinitdown

I hate to feed you, but you may have missed this:

"The police report doesn't list any physical description of the suspect"

Daniel
Daniel

@todd If assholes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have assholes.

garlandsucks
garlandsucks

@NewsDog using the beatles to justify and testify to your gun ownership is so much more satisfying and morally ambivelent than using Jesus Christ...Thank you good sir, I salute you.

Daniel
Daniel

@Dallas_expat_in_MT This was my concern, too. It's like I can't even feel safe standing up. It's like I'm AFRAID to stand up, now. Is it really a public service for the Observer to post these stories? Because I''m also afraid I'll wake up tomorrow morning as a blind pole vaulter who is running for city council, gets kicked in the face by Bruce Lee, and has to fill out onerous paperwork just to get a lousy FEMA check.

1dailyreader
1dailyreader

@ChrisYu Better yet, "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" in Tiny Tim voice.  That'll run him off.  He'll think you're crazier than he is.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

@Montemalone @TheCredibleHulk 

Yes, I cringe just remembering all of those weddings in the 90's when many of my contemporaries were getting married and insisted that that song be played. At least "Mambo #9" didn't have any ridiculous dance craze attached to it.

Before that, I seem to remember the "Chicken Dance" being the go-to song/dance idiocy for wedding receptions back in my DJ-ing days. *ugh*

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