Jim Doesn't Like Big Tex. Big Tex Burned. Jim's from Detroit, Arson City USA. Ruh-roh.

Categories: Schutze

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I feel really bad for the guy who just got fired from his job as the voice of Big Tex. Bill Bragg, the actor who supplied the voice of the giant talking cowboy mannequin at the State Fair of Texas, says in The Dallas Morning News this morning, "I thought everyone loved me, including the State Fair." I can't imagine thinking that.

But I also have this sort of nagging nasty soul-biting little confession to make -- something I have been carrying around inside ever since last that big boy burned down last October. I just can't keep it inside any longer. I must unburden my soul.
I never liked Big Tex. I just didn't. I thought he was ugly. Maybe cheesy. In fact, sort of scary. I'm not talking about his voice. His voice was great. Bill Bragg did a wonderful job, especially given what he was working with. I'm talking about the thing. The statue. I didn't like looking at it.

big tex burning.jpg
All you people who have your own burning Big Tex photos out there, take a look and see if there's a man in a bathrobe in the background, would ya?
Big Tex didn't look nice. He didn't look friendly. He looked crazy. If a real person who looked like that approached me at a DART stop, I would have my phone out with my finger on 911. He had that kind of smile that means he's about to ask where the bathroom is.

And, look, again, I think Bill Bragg was great. But sometimes the way Big Tex looked had an unfortunate effect on the way he sounded. This was not the voice actor's fault. But the combination of the voice and that smile made him sound less like a good-old-boy to me sometimes and more like a mentally challenged person, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I also didn't like his clothes. Normally I do like the cowboy look with the ranch-wear and all that. But I never thought he looked like a real cowboy. He looked to me more like a 6-year-old at a birthday party -- never a good look for a grown man. Kind of puts people in mind of 911 again.

I never said anything about this before, on the principle of not speaking ill of the recently departed not to mention the recently incinerated. It was a terrible end for him. And, by the way, I completely reject the stubborn and increasingly persuasive story about it being an inside job even though that would sort of support my own feelings if somebody else decided Big Tex needed to take a powder which I am sure they did not because what kind of a person would do such a thing other than me which I did not.

Here is why I speak now. Big Tex is gone. His voice is gone. Everything about him is gone. But the State Fair says it will replace Big Tex with an even better version. So I speak in order to say this: along with a new version, how about a better one?

Especially the face. We should shoot for a face that will not recur in unpleasant dreams. The clothes, too. Take a look at the Panhandle Slim line. They look much better than that birthday-suit look.

And you know what? More important than any of that? This is kind of hard to say, because it sounds so unkind, even though he's not a real person. But could something be done about his body?

Seriously. I always thought the way his shoulders were all hunched up and his neck kind of cork-screwed, he looked more like Cowboy Frankenstein. No, I mean it. Like he was suffering. There was always this big impending lurch about him, as if he might start coming at you in a scene from an old Japanese horror flick with thousands of people screaming and splashing through the lagoon to get away.

And since he's going to need a new voice anyway, how about giving him something more interesting to say? What did he ever say before except, "Hoooowdy, folks, and welcome to the great Sate Fair of Texas?" Seemed to me people were always standing around looking up at him kind of tapping their feet, like, "Yeah? And? Is he at last going to tell us where the bathrooms are?"

And then way down deep psychologically and unconsciously, you could see the uncomfortable thought forming on their faces: "Oh, no! He's going to ask us where the bathroom is! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

He needs to be better. That's all I'm saying. By the way, I'm from Detroit.


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40 comments
Kim Bragg
Kim Bragg

Heads up guys: Bill Bragg is going to be on our internet radio station www.yesterdayusa.com tomorrow night (Easter) at 10;30pm est to talk about his being let go. Please tune in if you can and feel free to call with comments or questions 972-889-TALK (8255) this is a radio station that Bill and I have had for 30 years. Thanks for all of your great comments! Kim Bragg Wife of Bill Bragg

gmit
gmit

You know where this whole Big Tex thing is going, commercialization Charlie Brown ! 

oooo no Big Tex burned, thanks to the fine folks at "Insert Corporate Name Here!" we could build him back 

and even better by inserting commercials that we can SELL

hrhr
hrhr

You wanna really see a scary talking puppet? Rick Perry!

CornyDoggy
CornyDoggy

Agreed!  I always thought he was creepy looking

ShadowsAndDust
ShadowsAndDust

Would the voice and likeness of Slim Pickens or, say, Burton Gilliam cheer you up, Jim?

coachbranden
coachbranden

*Water in eye, stands up and hugs Schutze, as the tears turn to uncontrolled sobbing*


I thought I was the only one. Thanks for bringing this and those who thought Big Tex was a little off out of the shadows.

if6were9
if6were9

What do you want, Jim? One designed by Calatrava? Also, Big Tex made a great model for the kids in case anyone resembling it, were ever to approach them offering candy. 

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

On festive occasions they should fuss up Big Tex in drag..  just for giggles.

WhiteWhale
WhiteWhale

"Big Tex didn't look nice. He didn't look friendly. He looked crazy. If a real person who looked like that approached me at a DART stop" - Jim this is really embarrassing but I just have to say have you looked in the mirror lately?  Age has a cruel way of dealing with us all 

baker24
baker24

I'm a carpetbagger from New Yawk, and I agree with the Kid From Motortown..... Make Big Tex better. Remember, BT was a re-purposed amateur-built Santa from a small town in East Texas, made by folks who were not professional sculptors. The anatomy is not right and it made BT look rather tacky. If they are going to redo the statue, then make it better than it was.

Rachel Stone
Rachel Stone

Big Tex was a mannequin, a legend, a friend. He was our beacon of light. He was Dallas' doll.

TexMarine
TexMarine

Schutze...we love you buddy, but "I must unburden my soul" - everyone knows only Native Texans have souls brother.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

Put two bolts out the side of his neck and turn him loose on the villagers.

I was there when he caught fire.  

I saw a one-armed man running from the scene.

He was in a bathrobe.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

You posted this one just as a big FU to Tim Rogers, didn't you?

WellOKBut
WellOKBut

Traditions, by their very nature are outdated. That's kinda the point. Big Tex is a State Fair of Texas Tradition. Period.

observist
observist topcommenter

That's a lot of writing to say you thought Big Tex looked crappy.

oakclifftownie
oakclifftownie

This guy did sound like he was suffering from COPD


Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

I'm a Dallas native. And I don't disagree with you one bit. 

markzero
markzero

@gmit they could have had him speak ads before. They probably did. Also, he was sponsored by Dickies for years.

I just googled and read that Mattress Firm also donated money for a new one; hopefully he'll look better rested this time around.

JimSX
JimSX topcommenter

@WhiteWhale 

I do look in the mirror every day. It just gets better and better. Speak for yourself.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@everlastingphelps Has to be, its too perfect.  Tim calls him a Troll for yesterdays post about KWP and so here he is Trolling ol Timmy

WhiteWhale
WhiteWhale

@JimSX That's the spirit, that's the spirit Jim, just keep telling yourself that.  Er so it really looked worse than it does now? - Crap stepped in it again. Sorry I have had too much coffee today

JimSX
JimSX topcommenter

@WhiteWhale @JimSX 

You start this, and then the young women start stalking me again. Please. Leave it alone.

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