Lance Armstrong Will Reveal His But to Oprah

Categories: Schutze

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Let me tell you in advance what Lance Armstrong is going to say to Oprah today. And how do I know? Well, obviously, I do not. But it's just as obvious to me that I do.

Everybody knows by now that world cycling mega-star Lance Armstrong of Austin is going to confess to Oprah Winfrey today that he's a liar and a cheat, that he did do drugs in order to win his cycling medals in spite of seven years of adamant denial.

Why? This morning the Dallas Morning News caries a truncated version of a much longer original story in this morning's New York Times explaining why Armstrong is confessing. The Times story lays out a complicated organizational web of for-profit and not-for-profit entities ginned up by Armstrong and his managers over the years to generate enormous personal profits based on his cycling stardom.

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I'm willing to assume the News cut the bottom off the Times story for space, but it's too bad for local readers, because the really good stuff is at the bottom. It explains how the vaunted Armstrong cancer research operation really worked: In raking in millions from corporate sponsors, it was basically a system of one for cancer, one for Lance, another one for cancer, another one for Lance.

Both sides of his financial kingdom are suffering, quite deservedly it would seem, since it was revealed that he is a crook, a liar and a cheat. And let's be plain about that. Armstrong is not a winner or a champion. He did not win a single Tour de France. Drugs won the Tour de France. Not an athlete. Not Lance Armstrong.

I sense an enormous amount of self-delusion about this here on Armstrong's home turf. Yesterday I watched an interview on TV with some doofus at Armstrong's favorite bike store in Austin, telling the camera that Armstrong's doping didn't detract from his athletic achievements.

Listen. His doping annihilates his athletic achievements. He doesn't have any athletic achievements. And if we don't get this locally, I assure you the rest of the world does. Recently I hosted a group of young visiting journalists from all over Europe, here on a State Department tour, and Armstrong was the first thing out of their mouths. They wanted to know if it was true the media in Texas had gone soft on Armstrong. What could I say?

So, wait. What is my prediction? Well, first of all, Armstrong is going to take full responsibility for his crimes. First thing out of his mouth: I take full responsibility. I don't put this on anybody else.

Why will he say that? Because that's what every crook in prison knows he has to say to get out on parole. It is the most common of commonplaces in our culture.

Then what? OK, trust me here. I've been to this hog auction before. Here's what you do when he says he takes full responsibility. Nothing. Remain absolutely silent. Show no facial expression. Wait. Count it out on your fingers. One beat. Two beats. Three. Ah, here it comes!

BUT. The fatal but. It's coming. We know it's coming, because we know what kind of guy this is. BUT.

But you know, Oprah, you get in this position, and you feel this huge responsibility to your team and to your fans, and, for me, the greatest pressure was cancer. I thought of all the people out there suffering and the great work my foundation was doing.

It will go on. Oprah will challenge him with a feather: Well, Lance, is what you are saying an excuse for what you did?

Oh, no, Oprah. Not at all. The last thing I would do is offer an excuse to you of all people (laughter from audience at cuteness). There is no excuse for what I did.

OK, again we count. One beat. Two beats.

BUT. This was a very general situation in cycling, one could say universal, so that if I knew that I and my team did not dope, well, we just wouldn't win. And when that's the situation and when the bad bad mom and dads running word cycling are doing nothing to stop it, and they're just being big hypocrites about it, and you're an athletic hero and you've got cancer research depending on you ...

Like I said, I've been to this particular hog auction. A lot. I had a guy in prison talk to me once about the store clerk whom he shot in the face in order to empty the cash drawer. He took FULL responsibility. FULL. Wanted me to write that down in my notebook so it would be in my story.

Three beats. BUT. He explained that the store clerk, after receiving explicit instructions not to allow his hands to go out of view, had committed suicide by dropping one hand beneath the counter.

What Armstrong will really tell Oprah is this: I am still a hero. It wasn't really my fault. I fell into temptation for heroic reasons. I should be allowed back into cycling. My for-profit and not-for-profit income machines should be allowed to continue raking in millions of dollars. I should be lionized and worshiped even more because the bad bad mom and dads of the world have been real mean to me.

So what's the alternative for Armstrong today in his chat with Oprah? Is there another way it could go? Absolutely. It's called contrition. Armstrong could express true contrition. He could say this:

Oprah, I am not a cycling champion. I am a liar and a cheat. I deserve to be nowhere near cycling or any professional sport for the rest of my life. I am severing my bonds permanently and forever with cancer research, because I don't ever want to present myself as a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm a bad guy. I've taught kids that cheating, lying and taking drugs are the road to success in this world. I am a molester of innocence and trust.

I will devote my wealth and the rest of my life to some form of drug counseling, and I will make myself a poor man to do it, because I will want young people to see that I have ruined myself with drugs.

I am truly repentant. My contrition is real. I have no excuses. There is no BUT.

He could say all that. He will not. I promise you. There will be at least a couple of major BUTs on that stage today.

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34 comments
WhiteWhale
WhiteWhale

This goes beyond his cheating and lying about doping, its about his lawsuits and defaming.  The creep sued a number of people that told the truth.  He used his ill gotten gains and influence to pursue vendettas against a number of people.  It is pretty low to cheat and lie but it is even lower to try to destroy people that he knew were honest.  Is he at least going to reimburse the people he falsely sued?

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

He's going on Oprah because Larry King retired.

You'd think he is trying to rehabilitate his image to save his fortune, but he's GOT to know that opens him up to being throttled civilly, and some countries will jail him.  And if it can be convincingly shown that he retaliated against former riders and confidants who dropped a dime on him, and they suffered as a result, their lawyers will take his head off.  Companies and whole countries who sponsored him already are lining up to get their millions back.  He better have hidden the filthy lucre in trust funds, off shore, in the mattress and Caymans like an S&L kingpin.  Even then, sponsors can sell the judgments to people he will not be able to just say no to.

This is way beyond the Bill Clinton contrition shtick, the guilty acting sad, or the tent man preacher crying "I have sinned".  He is an unlikable guy.

And he's not a member of the sanctimonious elite who care deeply about war and hunger and Planned Parenthood - the press is not going to give him a pass.  The press will eat him alive.

He should have taken it to his grave.

reverendvelvet
reverendvelvet

For me, the smoking gun that he was doping was when one of his nuts rotted off.

But somehow, he brilliantly parlayed it into a big charitable foundation branded as a fashion statement. Awesome.

roo_ster
roo_ster

God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy "O"

How pathetic.  On so many levels.  Can we count the ways?

Likely they bring out a kneeler and craft some sort of Holy Oprah liturgy to include a sappily secular oprah-fied confession.  Lance will then make like a mendicant, kiss her ring/ass (metaphorically), and beg her forgiveness.

The Numinous Negro sheds his/her grace yet again on the white character in need of guidance. 

 ========

But, before folks go off their meds and claim "evil" was done by willing participants at a sporting event, recall that this sort of thing was present at the beginning.  And at the (revived and gelded) Olympics.  About every drug was tried for some benefit. 


russell.allison1
russell.allison1

I sense a failing enthusiasm...let me help.

All of what you have written and we have commented fails to mention that in spite of the combined efforts of the United States and French governments, the World Anti-Doping Agency, USADA, and countless individuals, nobody had ever proven he cheated. No conclusive failed tests and the US Dept of Justice gave him the big, "...nevermind", after spending an expensive couple of years investigating him. The one company wth the balls to take him to court lost, to the tune of $7.5 million. I suppose I prefer him to remain the best kind of sinner-the unrepentant kind.

ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul
ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul topcommenter

Yawn --- meh --- And I should be concerned with this because ... because ... Buehler ... because ... anybody ...


One more reason why I don't follow pro sports ...


If the other finishers are also disqualified because of doping, does this mean that no one has won the Tour de France in, what, 10, 15 years?

halldecker
halldecker

First person who cares, stand up.
His sell-by date is long past.
Everybody knows he did it, a 'confession' is stupid.
Among other things, everybody he defeated ought to be lining up to sue. A confession, when he doesn't absolutely have to, is gonna leave him wide open.
Old makeup trick, I'm sure Glen Beck uses it, a tad bit of Vicks in the corner of the eye, you have to fan it a bit for the fumes to hit, guaranteed to produce tears. Watch for them.

GuitarPlayer
GuitarPlayer

All those who said that Lance was being unjustly attacked by jealous rivals and people who felt they were scorned by him are now trying to rationalize his drug use because other cyclists also used the same chemicals. Just admit you were fooled by this douche bag and move on. 

russell.allison1
russell.allison1

I think it worth mentioning that while Lance may have done something to artificially enhance his performance, so did the rest of the field of riders in the Tour de France.  On seven occasions he was, at worst, the best doped athlete in a field of doped athletes.  Bicycling, like so many sports, has turned a blind eye to it for decades and still does.  The most glaring example:  Asthma occurs in somewhere between 10 and 14% of the general population; I believe it was 2007 that over 70% of the tour riders reported requiring inhaled steroids for the control of asthma.   

BenS
BenS

Lance Gunderson has become the grown man he so despised his whole life. His own father. Eddie Gunderson was a long time employee of the Dallas Times Herald and the Dallas Morning News. The biological father of Lance. He passed away this past summer without fanfare down near Mabank. 

The backwards freak of nature Texan DNA that made him so strong as an athlete also seemed to have wrecked his personal relationships much like his father's. It would be interesting to see if his drive to drugs was to prove something to the man he never knew but wore like a monkey on his back every time he raced his bike. Lance killed that family in his book. Said some poor things about them. He is them. The East Texas types that are no stranger to the law and whose google name searches show jail striped mugshots.

libtardshit
libtardshit

"Reveal His But [sic]"

Are you drunk already?

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@halldecker the problem with everyone else he defeated is they cheated too, so what would they be suing for?  Not defending him at all, just saying

DirtyP1
DirtyP1

@russell.allison1 if this is what you need to believe to feel better about defending him for all these years, then so be it. It took simple logic for me, years ago, to realize that there was no way he was the only one not doping. Just because everyone did it doesn't make it better.

WhiteWhale
WhiteWhale

@russell.allison1 Did the rest of the riders sic their high priced lawyers on anyone that told the truth about them?

JimSX
JimSX topcommenter

@russell.allison1 

Sure, but if "everybody else is doing it" excused evil, we would still have slavery in this country.

Lakewooder
Lakewooder

@libtardshit 

Are you suffering diminished mental capacity as a result of the shot to the face you took from your three-some partner Saturday night?

Epic. Fail.

Get well soon little buddy.

cheeseburger
cheeseburger

@ScottsMerkin @halldecker Yeah, I think I read that the 2nd and 3rd place riders in the races Lance won have all been busted for performance enhancing drugs.  There's really nobody to award the titles to.

JimSX
JimSX topcommenter

@libtardshit 

But I  am very proud of you for knowing how to spell butt. May I assume it's a word you have run into before? 

clevertrousers
clevertrousers

@russell.allison1 @cheeseburger @ScottsMerkin @halldecker that figures considering miller spent years building this douche up. the ticket sux hard, brah...

mavdog
mavdog topcommenter

huh? alcohol use is "doping"?????

seriously? you are joking, right...

after all, "doping" is the use of substances to improve one's performance....

russell.allison1
russell.allison1

@JimSX @russell.allison1 @mavdog I guess I have a narrower threshold for evil.  I likewise have a narrower threshold for good. 

Evil is a strong and powerful concept and I prefer not to wastefully ascribe it to those whose impact on the world is minimal and fleeting.  My list of evil people is quite short.  My list of people who failed to live up to highest ideals of humanity is quite long, grows daily and I include myself in it.  Lance is quite at home on that list.

russell.allison1
russell.allison1

@mavdog From Wikipedia:  "There have been allegations of doping in the Tour de France since the race began in 1903. Early Tour riders consumed alcohol and used ether, among other substances, as a means of dulling the pain of competing in endurance cycling."  The really gross one is gunpowder-swallowing gunpowder before the race was thought to give one more explosive energy.

I try to teach my kids that by always keeping an eye on ones integrity one will ensure success in those things that matter.  I know there are plenty of people out there who do succeed in that manner and like you, I prefer to look to them as examples.  I do believe that people who are willing to sacrifice integrity will ulitmately fail; I suppose Lance's recent travails are a brilliant example of that fleeting and unstable success.

JimSX
JimSX topcommenter

@russell.allison1 @mavdog 

Armstrong has made millions by deliberately turning himself into a person-icon-industry, a man to be emulated and admired. We watch in this country while hundreds of thousands of young lives go into the landfill every year because of the moral decision to use drugs as a shortcut. How can you not see evil in a man whose story tells children that the way to be a winner is to cheat and use drugs?   

mavdog
mavdog topcommenter

no russell, I am not aware of any facts (perhaps you do) that say "the riders of the Tour de France reguarly cheat and have for the life of the race". From what I have seen this is a fairly recent malady that stretches back  a decade and a half.

deceit, duplicity and dishonesty are forms of evil actions. they are not in any way "pragmatic" and to apply the word "pragmatic" is allowing that such conduct is not only excusable, the conduct is acceptable due to the actor having a valid reason. You are providing cover and justification by the use of the word "pragmatic". you are wrong to insert the word.

we look up to those who acheive success and integrity; we look negatively on those who sacrifice their integrity for success. society does not force an either/or. quite the opposite in fact, it is the individual who decides to forego their integrity, and as is the case of Armstrong they pay the price for their decision.

russell.allison1
russell.allison1

@mavdog It doesn't escape me that the riders of the Tour de France regularly cheat and have for the life of the race.  I just have a hard time ascribing to it the judgement that it is "evil".  I think the word pragmatic is probably more appropriate.  And, I suppose that if you carry pragmatism too far you can get to "evil", but I don't think one arrives at evil when that pragmatism concerns bicycle racing.  What about this as the evil portrayed here and in a great many other venues:  Society forcing individuals and groups to choose success over integrity?

mavdog
mavdog topcommenter

avoiding the logic, eh?

so you fill in the blank, "If "everybody else is doing it" excused evil, we would still have _____ in this country".

the point is valid, it works. you decide which evil you are OK putting into the sentence.....

Armstrong is everything Jim says he is, and no "but" excuses his sorry ass. it is NOT "worth mentioning" that other riders were dirty, too.

on this same subject, great comments by Nicole Cooke today:http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/cycling/20946301.

she has it right, those like Armstrong who were dirty need to be exposed for the cheaters they clearly are. no forgiveness. zero.

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