Back to the Future: Jim Sends Greetings from the Bottom of the Cliff in 2112

Categories: Schutze

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This is my end-of-the-year lawn, but I'm so grateful to you loyal lawners out there for showing up, I'm going to go you one better. In fact, 100 better. This is "Get Off My Lawn" from the year 2112.

So here I am in the year 2112 still cranking out lawns thanks to the last-minute invention of a new wonder drug called Liagra. If you don't mind, I'm not going to go into a lot of biological detail on that, except to say that it did not solve the problem of skin wrinkling, and so it did destroy rock and roll. Most of us really old people now listen to Zamfir and his pan flute, while the young people hit themselves in the head with pots and pans.

You're probably worried about your own immediate issues back there in Oh-12, so I will tell you, yes, you did go off the fiscal cliff, and, yes, it did help usher in a severe global economic depression. But, wait. Everything came out OK in the end.

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Using computer imaging software, we fast-forwarded to project an image of Jim 100 years in the future. To be honest, we're not sure the software worked.
At first the haves started building economic plague villages with high walls and luxury shopping districts, leaving the have-nots outside to starve in the mud. But of course as we have seen cyclically throughout human history, the have-nots eventually rediscovered the basic moral principle of Screw This.

Once Screw This became the order of the day (in about 2013 if memory serves), the have-nots also rediscovered other ancient practices including siege, stream-poisoning and burning doo-doo catapults. The haves had lots of high-tech weapons, of course, but the have-nots had lots of have-nots, which, in fact, led to the invention of the burning have-not catapult, raining down burning have-not corpses right in the middle of the luxury shopping districts. That one really got to the haves.

After the invention of the burning have-not catapult, the have-nots were able to bring the haves out of their plague villages pleading for mercy in about a month, a day still celebrated on the tenth of October every year as Global Heave-Ho Day.

Another factor leading to our much longer life-spans in 2112 was the principle of No Deliberate Cancer as the guiding element in our economic and social lives. After the have-nots rousted the haves from their plague villages, they discovered all kinds of documentation showing that the haves had amassed most of their wealth by giving other people cancer. A decision was made that deliberate cancer would no longer be allowed.

The haves objected that deliberate cancer was the sine qua non, the one absolutely essential ingredient in economic growth, without which there could be no economic growth. They made a convincing case. Therefore in the year 2015 a decision was made that there could be no more economic growth.

I know, I know, all of you back there in 2012 believe that if there is no economic growth you will die. That is because you live in the era before the invention of the principle of Why Don't You Go Grow Yourself For a Change? I'm not sure there is space here to explain it. Suffice it to say that it involves a whole new approach to the definition of growth and the good life.

The thinking was along these lines: if the only way human beings can grow their lives is by giving each other cancer and poisoning the earth, then what's the difference between human beings and a really bad virus? That question, in fact, led to the development of a new religion called "Better than a Virus" that has swept the planet based on the principle of Surely We Can Be Better Than a Virus.

Of course, we still have free will, and we still have dissent, so that's why I still have a job. Now most of what I write is in defense of viruses. Hey, what else am I gonna do? Gotta pay the rent here.

I just wanted you to know that everything came out OK in the end, not that there weren't some tough moments getting here. What else? Oh, well, the matter of Bill Clinton, who is still very much with us. His role is to frighten the children into obedience. If that doesn't work, then we have no choice but to bring out Mick Jagger, but we just hate to have to go there.


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11 comments
MissMacy
MissMacy

Hilarious and on target, as always!

PerryMoore
PerryMoore

Ah, yes, the Dark Ages return in 2013 for their bi-millenial visit. No progress for roughly 700 years, followed by a resurgence of invention, art, and science as the "virus" of enlightenment eventually subdues its vapid host.

morrainepeak
morrainepeak

Happy New Year Jim. Happy New Year to Mrs. Schutze, your son, and your beautiful dogs: Penny and Dorothy.  Also if you run into Andrea Grimes tell her Happy New Year, also. God Bless.

bodaddle
bodaddle

Hey Jim, a bit too much of the post Christmas toddy, eh?

mycatbarney
mycatbarney

I enjoy Schutze's serious writing, even though I rarely agree with him.  But his attempts at humorous writing are awful. Reading this, I'm embarrassed for him.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

Liagra is apparently a hideous drug, which turns you into a total Dick Tracey and delivers you into an alternate universe.  Plan B.  A low-light, smirker world where everyone speaks Kohm.

The environmental abolishionists indeed won out over the Utilitarianists and we had their desired population crash.  We lost 2.5 billion however, it was fairly quick.  Charaismatics arose ( Khan Noonien Singh) and World Wars III and IV ignited a series of nuclear exchanges, with President Obama doing the Henry Fonda thing ala Fail-Safe by capping our own metros . . . in fairness.  Although he confines the targeting to Dallas, Phoenix, and a few of the right-to-work states.  Then all hell broke loose.  The Yangs and Kohms go at it (Schutze, you are the Exeter Captain Ron Tracey played by Morgan Woodward). Music up, camera pan right. Action!

The episode begins with the Enterprise finding the USS Exeter in orbit around the planet Omega IV.  Kirk's party beams to the last coordinates of the Exeter's landing party and find themselves in what resembles a Tibetan village, where two fur-clad prisoners, a man and woman, are being prepared for a beheading by warriors of Asian appearance.  Leading the warriors is Exeter Captain Ron Tracey who stands down the execution and greets Kirk. Tracey explains he was stranded when his crew succumbed to a disease, and only remaining on the planet confers immunity (from the disease). He assures the landing party they will be safe, but only if they stay on the planet. Tracey then explains the prisoners are from a group of savage barbarians called the "Yangs" who wage war with the villagers called the "Kohms."  Tracey has employed a living, breathing interpretation of the Prime Directive (changed the meaning 180 degrees) in order to chance the outcome of the war with phasers.  

Kirk and Tracey fight over a nearby axe when Yang warriors suddenly arrive and take everyone back to their village, which appears as ruins of an ancient building. Their leader, Cloud William, turns out to be the prisoner who was in a cell with Kirk earlier in the episode.  He is caucasic. 

From a box, Cloud surprisingly produces a very old American Flag and ancient manuscripts from which he begins to recite words — a poorly pronounced version of the Pledge of Allegiance. When Kirk completes the pledge, the Yangs are shocked. McCoy questions how they know the pledge, and Spock surmises that the cultures may have developed along very similar lines to Earth. Kirk speculates that the Kohms were originally "Communists" and Yangs originally "Yankees." Apparently, the Omegans had a Cold War much like the one between the United States and the Soviet Union, but unlike Earth, their war heated up and a conflict was fought many centuries ago.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

It always does come back go "eliminate all the humans" for liberals, doesn't it?

In any event, the true haves and have nots would be rural vs urban, and the rural haves will be the ones investing sieges.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Maybe Jim has branched out from the NYT and now also reads science fiction

roo_ster
roo_ster

@everlastingphelps Not ALL the humans, just those that won't comply to be socially engnieered by liberals.

Still, a disturbingly large proportion of gov'ts that have been taken over by progressives have indeed indulged in "eliminationist rhetoric" and then proceeded to the elimination.  100 million men, women, and children in the last century alone.



holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

@Sotiredofitall 

"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away." Philip K. Dick (1928–82), U.S. science fiction writer. Definition given in 1972. Quoted by Dick in: I Hope I Shall Arrive Soon, “How to Build a Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later,” Introduction (1986).

describes the consequences of the Liberal mind nicely . . . “How to Build a Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later”

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