Three Women Walked Into Condoms To Go Last Night. One Walked Out With Futuristic Strap-On In Her Pants.

Categories: Crime

10FunctionLoveRider.jpg

The product you see to the right is a marvel of modern engineering. You need only watch the promotional video to conclude as much. California Exotic's 10-Function Silicone Love Rider™ Thruster™ is a "complete strap-on with a seven-inch long, one-and-a-half-inch wide silky-smooth silicon probe."

See also: Unfair Park's archive of Dallas' crime stories

The probe, which the manufacturer also refers to as a dong, has "a pointed, curved head for complete G-spot arousal with reverberating vibration throughout the undulated shaft." The harness is adjustable, accommodating up to a 70-inch waist. More impressive still is the gadgetry: it manages to pack 10 individual functions -- pulsation, vibration, escalation, a state-of-the-art memory chip, etc. -- into a small, iPod-sized battery pack that runs off two AAs.

It's enough to make men obsolete. The modern woman need not even ask her man for money to pay the $65.99 suggested retail price. Take the three women who walked into Condoms to Go on LBJ at about 8:30 last night. They spent a few minutes browsing before one of them approached the register.

The customer made as if she were trying to make a purchase, but, according to a Dallas police report, she was really only providing cover for her friends, one of whom was shoving the 10-Funciton Silicone Love Rider™ Thruster™ down her pants. Once the friends had slipped out of the store, she joined them in a black Ford SUV. They drove off before employees could piece together what had happened.

The whole thing was caught on the store's surveillance video. One can only assume that it is neither the first nor the last video starring the Love Rider™ Thruster™.



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20 comments
ChrisYu
ChrisYu

looka like Tom Corea's artistic inspiration.

observist
observist topcommenter

Bet she doesn't have the balls to do that again.

CJ Dylan
CJ Dylan

I expect to see this device in the next season of Workaholics

CJ Dylan
CJ Dylan

This is the Dallas Observer, people. Not the Wall Street Journal. What do you expect in your frikkin feeds? DERP.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

That's an awful lot for a man to compete against. Do they make a hollowed out model to help men keep up?

Vince Gonzales
Vince Gonzales

Jordan, I was thinking the same thing. This type of thing seems to have gotten out of hand. Dallas PD and the DCSO should create a "joint" task force to clamp down on penis envy.

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

Fits up to a 70 inch waist?

 

Must gouge out minds eye now.

Marc C. Socolov
Marc C. Socolov

Things just haven't been the same since RW left...LOL

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

 @Montemalone *Gaaaaaaaaaaaa*

 

Came here to relay that comment inspired by that particular specification.

 

The imagination reels.....

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