OK, We Get it Already. The Perot Science Museum is Freakin' Wonderful.

Categories: Schutze

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Had it again last night. The nightmare. The one where I work for The Dallas Morning News. Woke up with the sweats. It's always the same. The story meeting.

In my dream the editor leading the meeting is this huge dude named Bob-George in a baggy gray suit and wingtips with pop-bottle glasses and gigantic teeth. I'm standing way in the back. There are like 100 people in there. I keep squiggling around trying to hide behind the canasta news team so Bob-George won't see me.

He starts with the city editor. "What have you got for me today about the Perot Museum being wonderful?"

The city editor is all pasty-faced and shaky-voiced. "Bob-George, we have run a piece every day for the last month with a different reason why the new Perot Museum of Nature and Science downtown is wonderful and people have to go see it ..."

"SILENCE, varlet!" Bob-George roars, his enormous teeth clacking loudly. "I don't want to hear about what you've done for me in the last month! What are you going to do for me today?"

"I ... I ..."

"Silence! I have heard from a lot of people that the museum is a lot more wonderful than your weak-ass stories have said it is."

"That could be a story, Bob-George."

"What could be a story?"

"Insiders complain news coverage so far understates wonderfulness of Perot Museum."

A little video to help you remember what the Morning News thinks about the Perot museum, in case you don't have time to read all the stories.

"Do it!" Bob-George is looking around. "You over there!"

Me? Oh, no, please, please. Oh, thank God. He's looking at the executive committee of the upper house of the editorial page staff.

"WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FOR ME?" he roars with a terrible clacking of those gigantic choppers.

The dean of the editorial executive committee steps forward, shaking in her Uggs. "We have a lead editorial condemning scientists for not coming up with enough new science to meet the display needs of the Perot Museum."

"Hmmm." Bob George works his jaw and rubs his chin. "Lazy egg-head scientists lag behind go-ahead Perot?"

"Exactly that, Bob-George."

"Do it."

He's scanning the room again. I'm trying to ooch in deeper behind the canasta team. He spots the garden editor.

"YOU!" he bellows.

"My chickens like it," she says.

"Even chickens like Perot? Go for it! I want that story."

Wait, what's she doing? She's nodding toward me! She's doing a thing at me with her thumb. She's pointing me out to Bob-George! Stop it! This is the part in the dream where I get the sweats.

"YOU! SCHUTZE! WHAT DO YOU HAVE POSITIVE TO SAY ABOUT THE NEW PEROT MUSEUM OF NATURE AND SCIENCE TODAY?"

Oh, God. My mouth is dry. My knees are quaky. I'm not about to cry, am I? So humiliating. Got to think of something positive to say today about the Perot Museum. Got to think. Got to think.

"NOW," Bob-George roars, the teeth banging together like pots and pans. "POSITIVE ABOUT PEROT! NOW!"

"Bob-George," I say, "if you look at it from the freeway, it looks like it's sort of falling down, but it must not be, because it's been standing there like that for weeks. Months really. So, I could do a piece, 'PEROT MUSEUM NOT REALLY FALLING DOWN.'"

"THAT SUCKS! It's negative! You're always negative! You know my orders. I want something positive about the Perot museum from every single staff member at The Dallas Morning News every single day from now to eternity."

"But, Bob-George ..."

"POSITIVE," he roars. "I said positive!"

The huge teeth are clacking in closer and closer to me. His mouth is suddenly the size of a double-sided refrigerator with both doors open. I can see his soft palate. The teeth are closing around me! I'm soaking wet!

Oh, oh, thank goodness, it's Dorothy, my dog, licking my face. She's waking me up! It was only a dream, only a dream. I don't really work for The Dallas Morning News! I don't really have to come up with a positive story about the new Perot Museum of Nature and Science every day from here to eternity. It was only a terrible nightmare.

But think if it were not. What if I really did have to write all those positive stories about the Perot Museum! Or worse! What if I had to read them? Oh, God, I wish I hadn't even thought of that. Here comes another nightmare, I just know it.

"READ THEM! READ THE POSITIVE STORIES ABOUT THE PEROT MUSEUM! YOU HEARD ME! ALL OF THEM! READ!"

Clack-clack.

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36 comments
kduble
kduble

What if the Perot really is wonderful?

halldecker
halldecker

at least it's not that damn bridge again!

elsando
elsando

I'm looking forward to visiting the museum with my grand-kids and I'm sure it will be great - but it does look a lot like the Mummy's Castle.

PerryMoore
PerryMoore

Witty Schutze, witty comments. Clap, clap.

WhiteWhale
WhiteWhale

Is one of the exhibits going to be the science behind the torpedoing of the inland port?

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Maybe you could hat-cam it for us - like the deck-park video.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

My nightmare is visiting the Perot and being "treated" to thousands of screaming brats running around.

Chuck_Schick
Chuck_Schick

The image of Bob-George is funny to those of us who know Bob and George, but geez, give it a break, Jim. You'd rather have an empty parking lot there?

Tim645
Tim645

I haven't seen it yet.  But I don't think that a 4K Sony Digital Projector can beat the real IMAX that they left behind...  Also - why no planetarium? The one in Fair Park is to be abandoned?  Guess we have to go to Ft. Worth to see a science museum that has a real IMAX and a planetarium...

albert.finney000
albert.finney000

I guess to maintain a lefty perspective in old age, you have to find the absolute horror in everything. I'd bet Jim could find the deep awfulness in a petting zoo. Ticks!!!! Smell!! Animals exploited for the sick pleasure of Republican children!!!!

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

Don't be fooled!  It looks like a Borg outpost!

Or worse.

Something along the lines of an old Twilight Zone episode - "To Serve Man". As the episode opens, Michael Chambers is seen lying uncomfortably on a cot in a spartan interior. A voice instructs him to eat. He refuses. The Kanamits, a race of nine-foot-tall aliens, land on Earth. One of them addresses the United Nations, vowing that his race's motive in coming to Earth is solely to be helpful to humanity.  

The story is based on the short story "To Serve Man", written by Damon Knight. The title is a play on the verb serve, which has a dual meaning of "to assist" and "to provide as a meal."

Mr. Schutze, stay outa there!  You'll either come stumbling out as a Republican drone programmed to extol the virtues of North Dallas, or (if you can't be turned) . . . not at all.  Then you'll be shipped off as somebody's leg of lamb.

Montemalone
Montemalone topcommenter

You know this is all about reinforcing the "Perot = good" idea in the  potential jury pool, right?

Once the FBI is done probing JWP (hopefully a far deeper probing than he's used to) and his dealings with Perot Jr come to light (that quarter mil in the safe came from somewhere) there's gonna be trials. 

The one thing DMN hasn't considered is that the majority of potential jurors no longer have the money to subscribe, even if they could read.

P1Gunter
P1Gunter

This might be the most brilliant thing you've ever written, Jim. Salud. I'm glad that I'm not the only person that noticed that every f-ing day the DMN lauds the "science" museum that declines to mention the negatives of fracking for a $10m check.

oakclifftownie
oakclifftownie

Glitz and glamor of the Theater arts district . And now this ugly ass not appealing to the eye Architectural TURD on the other side of the deck park.

Way to go Dallas !

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

Jim's just mad it doesn't cause reflections on another highly-thought-of property, and next week Eric is going to post what Robert Jeffress thinks of us glorifying that damn unproven science like we give a crap what he thinks. 

anon
anon

Sounds like your own personal problem - a punishment for actually reading the DMN. I'm a patron member of the museum and other than emails telling me when member-only functions are being held and how to get tickets, I've not read a thing about it.

But given how much cities like Dallas get shit on in the newspapers of more "world class" cities like New York, Boston, Chicago - I'd say we have the right to brag when we have something great. I was in Boston less than a month ago and went to their science museum and there's no way around the fact that ours is better. Face it, Dallas is adding amenities that actually benefit our own residents at an alarming pace for people who love to hate this place.

cynicaloldbastard
cynicaloldbastard

OMG!  It's now spread to the front page of the current Dallas Business Journal!

darrd
darrd

@SuperfuzzBigmuff  not including the $34 million check that the 'honorable' Mary Suhm cashed after working the deal without City Council input.

anon
anon

@oakclifftownie to each his own. I like the look of the museum. as for the 'way to go Dallas' comment, just do us all a favor and move to Austin. now.

sidewalkastro
sidewalkastro

@anon It really does look like a Borg mother ship. LOL. I assume you have been assimilated.

DOCensors
DOCensors

@anon Jim actually believes that museums are only for rich people. The fact that the DMA is free now probably has not effected his delusions at all either.

Is it alcoholism? Is it dementia? Is it both? Who knows.

kduble
kduble

 @oakclifftownie It's not so much that City Hall is ugly as that the space in front of it needs to be completely ripped out and redone. Leave the pool and the sculpture perhaps, but get rid of all the barriers around it, and make it all one big level grassy area with trees. I know the space is supposed to play off the architecture, but lots of concrete in the Texas summer simply isn't people-friendly. The space doesn't work.

Daniel
Daniel

@DOCensors @anon Obviously, you never went to Journalism School, where this topic is addressed at length.  In Attaining Populist Credibility (JOURN 110) -- and its more in-depth grad-level analog, Embracing Bourgeois Class Assumptions Whilst Claiming Not To Be Bourgeois, Like, At All (JOURN 5100) -- both of which Jim took in the hoary old 1930s, when a man was a man and a shot of whiskey cost a nickel -- a fella learns his song well before he starts singing: Poor people are too stupid to appreciate or create, let alone pay an hour's wages to view, art; "stupid" in this usage connotes "good," "honest," or "salt of the earth" -- the kind of stupid that will gladly pay a day and a half's wages to watch slack-jawed brutes tossing a ball around and bumping into each other repeatedly. 

albert.finney000
albert.finney000

@DOCensors @anon - Yeah, but the little kids may come to see a rich white person as less than the devil, making Jim's job of preaching truth so much harder. Maybe he could stand outside the museum to offset such brainwashing, screaming IT'S THE DEVILS WORK!! If that doesn't work, he'll have to bomb the place FOR THE CHILDREN!!

DOCensors
DOCensors

@Daniel @DOCensors @anon I did not attend journalism school. I did however coin the phrase "snobs vs snobs" in regard to Jim's crying over a boathouse on the lake where he is a member of a yacht club.

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