Here's What the Dallas Observer is Going to Do When We Win Tonight's Powerball
Quick programming note: Things are going to be light around here in the coming weeks. A bunch of us threw in on the Powerball, which is up to $550 million, and as everyone knows, the more people who get together on buying a ticket the better the odds. So I don't suspect we'll be around to do much blogging.
While most people just buy a ticket and forget about it, we spent some time thinking about what we'll do with the money. Here's what we came up with:
- Save the Twinkie.
- Buy The Dallas Morning News and publish everything but Steve Blow in Mandarin.
- Franchise Off-Site Kitchen, starting with a location in the intern's cubicle.
- Fire the intern.
- Rent out Cowboys Stadium, fill it with rice pudding.
- Buy D Magazine and rank Garland as the best suburb in every issue, mostly to screw with the people in Southlake.
- Buy a house in Southlake.
- Cowboys (-10) over the Eagles, huh Vegas? We'll take the points.
- Buy Museum Tower and turn it into a combination KFC/Taco Bell/homeless shelter. With louvers, of course.
- Buy Museum Tower and add the Eye of Sauron to it:
- Pitch in for a few weeks of Jennifer Sprague's salary.
- Buy the naming rights of Klyde Warren Park and change the name to Holy Shit Dallas Got a Park Park.
- Run for mayor, decree that in order to become a first-class city, the Hunt Hill Bridge and Holy Shit Dallas Got a Park Park must immediately switch places.
- Employ expensive consultants to scrub our archives of every reference we've made to Mitt Romney, taxes or Republicans, plus anything ever written by Schutze.
- Pay to change our names to those more appropriate for our new class -- Wedgewood Snitworth III, for example. Except for Brantley. His is fine.
- Walk-in weed humidor.