Here's What the Dallas Observer is Going to Do When We Win Tonight's Powerball

Quick programming note: Things are going to be light around here in the coming weeks. A bunch of us threw in on the Powerball, which is up to $550 million, and as everyone knows, the more people who get together on buying a ticket the better the odds. So I don't suspect we'll be around to do much blogging.

While most people just buy a ticket and forget about it, we spent some time thinking about what we'll do with the money. Here's what we came up with:

- Save the Twinkie.

- Buy The Dallas Morning News and publish everything but Steve Blow in Mandarin.

- Franchise Off-Site Kitchen, starting with a location in the intern's cubicle.

- Fire the intern.

- Rent out Cowboys Stadium, fill it with rice pudding.

- Buy D Magazine and rank Garland as the best suburb in every issue, mostly to screw with the people in Southlake.

- Buy a house in Southlake.

- Cowboys (-10) over the Eagles, huh Vegas? We'll take the points.

- Buy Museum Tower and turn it into a combination KFC/Taco Bell/homeless shelter. With louvers, of course.

- Buy Museum Tower and add the Eye of Sauron to it:

- Pitch in for a few weeks of Jennifer Sprague's salary.

- Buy the naming rights of Klyde Warren Park and change the name to Holy Shit Dallas Got a Park Park.

- Run for mayor, decree that in order to become a first-class city, the Hunt Hill Bridge and Holy Shit Dallas Got a Park Park must immediately switch places.

- Employ expensive consultants to scrub our archives of every reference we've made to Mitt Romney, taxes or Republicans, plus anything ever written by Schutze.

- Pay to change our names to those more appropriate for our new class -- Wedgewood Snitworth III, for example. Except for Brantley. His is fine.

- Walk-in weed humidor.

Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
primi_timpano topcommenter

No jet, strippers, and champagne. You guys and girls need lessons from Mark Cuban.

Montemalone topcommenter

Perhaps if you guys had started with a visit to the last item on the list, this would have been funny.


"plus anything ever written by Schutze."

I'll do this job for free.


but the reality is, you'll wake up with a hangover, check your numbers, and bang out a post about how the lottery is a vicious cycle of empty promises, and then Schutze will ask you what did you do with that five bucks I gave you yesterday thought it was for coffee.

Chas Cook
Chas Cook

instead of wallowing in this powerball bullshit, how about an actual analytical article on the fact lottos are just another way to shift the tax burden to people who can't afford it? fucking bullshit, taking advantage of people's neediness or greediness.

Dallas Observer
Dallas Observer

Good call. After that can we build a commuter line between my house and the Windmill? I imagine being rich will make us thirsty.

Julia Vargas
Julia Vargas

I'd buy a nice little spot right IN Dallas! And another spot in another state! Preferably one where 420 and same sex unions are legal!

Now Trending

Dallas Concert Tickets

From the Vault