Fellow Republicans: A Five-Point Plan to Stop Our Asses From Getting Kicked

Categories: Politics

Have you seen a liberal kicking one of these? If so, call the hotline at 1-866-WERE-FUCKED.
To: Lovers of America
From: The Republican National Committee
RE: Emergency platform changes

Dear Patriots: It seems that 47 percent was somewhat larger than we anticipated in last week's election. Henceforth, we urge all Republicans to adopt these immediate policy changes.

Our new platform on babes.
Please refrain from any further discussion of women's health, reproductive issues and/or sexual assault. If you're asked to comment on any of these matters, subtly pivot to safer ground. Suggestions include saying "Some of my best friends are broads" to recounting your glory days as a shutdown defender off the bench for your middle school basketball team.

Here after, our entire platform on babes will be boiled down to two simple policies: "I really like what you've done with your hair" and "There's nothing hotter than a good pair of child-bearing hips."

We are searching for new guys to bag on.
Nobody could have foreseen this. But it probably wasn't a good idea to bag on the fastest-growing segment of the electorate.

As a result, we no longer hate Mexicans. Repeat: Mexicans are our friends.

In the coming days, we'll be developing a new group to demonize. Unfortunately, this is proving difficult since we've already exhausted Latinos, blacks, gays, Muslims, welfare moms, Arabs, East Coast liberal effetes, the media and Georgetown law students, just to name a few.

The Research Department believes that Seventh Day Adventists show promise. Their name sounds vaguely apocalyptic and possibly anti-Jesus. (And what exactly are they actually planning for that 7th Day?)

But until our official new villain is released, we ask that you keep your tirades to soft targets like "pundits" and "beltway insiders."

A temporary halt to wars on stuff.
Yes, we've seen great traction with our many declarations of war, such as the War on Christmas and the War on Religion. But there is some concern here at headquarters that we've diluted our war brand by creating too many battlefronts.

As you may have gathered, the War on Coal did not sell to our expectations in the mining states of Virginia, Pennsylvania and Ohio. It now appears that voters don't get excited about wars on inanimate objects set on fire for the purpose of cooking pork chops outdoors.

Bill O'Reilly has proposed the possibility of a War on Puppies. His staff is now scouring YouTube for video of a liberal being mean to a dog. But until this campaign is fully developed, we're temporarily calling a cease-fire on all new revelations of war.

Get HR to begin the process of hiring an Oriental kid.
Our pre-election denunciation of liberal bias in the polling process didn't work as planned. We have since discovered some startling new information. A quick tutorial:
Polling organizations are businesses.

These businesses have difficulty getting repeat business if their polls are inaccurate.
Conclusion: There is no business incentive for producing biased polls.

asian meme.jpg
Anyone of these Chinamen could have told us we weren't going to win Pennsylvania.

We understand that math can be confusing. And we're not asking that you actually comprehend it, especially if you were educated south of Kentucky. We're simply suggesting that every campaign hire an Oriental kid who can explain what's a liberal conspiracy and what's just math.

To assuage your payroll concerns, it should be noted that Oriental kids will work for less-than-minimum wage and require no benefits. (Mitch McConnell pays his in Mountain Dew and Chik-fil-A coupons.)

Re-energizing elderly white men.
Our analysis makes clear that we lost this election when our core demographic -- older white males -- failed to vote last Tuesday due to a Golden Girls marathon on WGN.

Research is now working on legislation to incentivize white seniors through tax deductions on riding lawn mowers and stamp collections. John Boehner will also be presenting a bill indemnifying our elderly for shooting children who trespass on their lawns.

But we also urge you to speak to your pastor about shaming them before the congregation. Forsaking a patriotic duty to lust after tawdry showbiz personalities is an undoubtedly a sin.

We believe that if we can rejuvenate the elderly white vote, world dominance will once again be ours in 2014.

Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
ThePosterFormerlyKnownasPaul topcommenter

Don't forget that national politics is like a game of football played between the two 40 yard lines.


Both the Demopublicans and the Republocrats have constituencies that will vote for the chosen candidate that is "because he is our candidate".  Remember the term "yellow dog democrat"?


When more people don't vote than vote, there is a major disconnect going on.


keep this going, we almost have an entire week of gloating.


Democratic Playbook



Throw plenty of tasteless TandA articles in the usual string of left leaning Alt-Weeklies to attract the stupid demographic.

Proclaim that requiring females to pay 30 cents a day for birth control is a hate crime.

Continue to portray females as victims and they won't realize that they are now the most educated segment in society and thus most likely to be the highest taxed segment in the near future.


Bag On:

Continue bagging on the most productive, job creating segments of the economy.



Continue class warfare campaign.


Oriental Kid:

Continue immigration policy that favors a group other than Asians; Asians being statistically more likely to attain higher education levels, live healthier lifestyles, and less likely to vote democratic.


Elderly Whites:

The elderly will be dead sooner than the remainder of the constituency. Then every one will vote democratic because no one left could possibly believe that the government should not control an increasingly larger aspect of the economy and our lives.




observist topcommenter

Also, people notice that even though 40% of the convention speakers are "of color", only .04% of the convention audience is.  (it was that black guy wearing a Texas flag shirt.)   So, next convention make sure you pepper the audience with some hired-in brown people.  If you want them to attend voluntarily, you'll have to get a new platform.

Montemalone topcommenter

We are searching for new guys to bag on.


Might I suggest middle-aged, overweight, balding white guys?

Oh wait, that's the bulk of the gop.



This is priceless!  Poll-deny-ers take heed.  Wishing it doesn't make it so.  Neither does paying someone a lot of money to scew the numbers in your favor.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

I LOVE this article!  And those puppies are adorable.


Reinstate the Fairness doctrine .With a Roven like twist .of course

The Democrats will be forced to rebut all of the talking points that have been brought up by Drudge Limbaugh and the rest during the day so the the Republican National Committee won't have to .



 Who is this idiot who thinks Asians don't vote D?Yo tard, Asian Americans are the largest growing demographic within the minorities and they lean D HEAVY!

Montemalone topcommenter

 @weAreHavingFun So remind me. why is it babes need birth control to begin with?

I'd think the himbos of the world would be ecstatic that  some insurance company would pay for their playtime, to avoid the bundles of joy that would arrive nine months later.

observist topcommenter

 @weAreHavingFun Liberal Media:  Anchored by ugly guys, strippers in advertisements.  Conservative Media: Anchored by strippers, ugly guys in advertisements.


 @Montemalone The did Soundly denounce Governor Christi for Fraternizing with The  President  during his visit after the Hurricane .


That's a start !

Now Trending

Dallas Concert Tickets

From the Vault