A Few Questions Before Texas Secedes
Texas is totally on the verge of seceding, after 25,000 people signed a petition calling for the state's removal from the ones that are United. We're pretty much set on sticking it out as Texans, because the only thing worse than living out our existence in a destined-to-fail non-American country governed by a politically untouchable special-needs person would be packing up our apartment again.
Rachel Parker Just a few questions before we pledge allegiance, Mr. President.
But before we re-sign our lease, we have a few quick logistical questions. If you have questions of your own, leave them in the comments.
1. Will I need a passport to get into America?
2. Will we get our own dollar with Rick Perry holding a uterus on it?
3. What the hell is Matthew McConaughey gonna do?
4. Can my gun now carry a gun?
5. Is not wearing the mandatory Texas flag shirt punishable by death, or just life in prison?
6. Is it going to cost 25,000 frequent flier miles to get to Albuquerque now? Ugh.
7. What about the death penalty? Will we only execute retarded people now?
8. Wait, the Mexicans go with America, right? But El Fenix stays?
9. What will we bomb first once we're done with all the Planned Parenthoods?
10. Can countries sue other countries? (Guest question sent in from reader
11. Will Tommy Lee Jones dissolve from existence?
12. Is The Voice going to be subtitled now?
13. Can I drink in church?
14. Will there be legitimate rape?
15. When I retire, how much should I count on getting in Texas Social Security? If not much, can I self-deport to America?
16. Will I die at the Alamo? What if I don't want to die at the Alamo? Can I self-deport to America?
17. Will state troopers wear coonskin caps? Can I self-deport to America?
18. If Texas is its own country, will I have to learn their language?
19. Can I shoot my kids?
20. Will the Texas Bill of Rights have Viagra?
21. Will there be chicken-fried pasta?
22. I'll still get Showtime, right? If not, can this wait until Homeland is over?
23. Will I have to purchase my own transvaginal probe wand, or will one be provided for me?
24. Is Chuck Norris the VP or the Secretary of Defense? If so, does he need interns?
25. Can we force the IRS to give Willie Nelson his money back?
26. Which denomination will be the official national religion, Southern Baptist or Cowboy Church?
27. As women, I obviously don't understand any of this. Will my husband explain it to me? Can he also re-explain my vagina to me?
28. Will the only TV shows be Walker, Texas Ranger played on a loop in back-to-back episodes with Touched By An Angel and Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman?
29. We might as well have excessive banjos in the national anthem, right?
30. If I Duck tape a truck bed to the back, can I keep my Prius?
31. Oh! Oh! Can I have one of the windmills when you take them all down? I promise it's not for energy. It's for art.
32. No art? Really? Huh.
33. Will we still have to pick up our dogs' shits or can we just shoot the dog shits now?
34. Can we bring back mail guys on horseback? That was cool.
35. We can still drink Coors Light though, right?
36. When I have my period, that's the American terrorists winning, right? When I don't have my period, that's also the American terrorists winning, correct?
37. What about rap?