A Few Questions Before Texas Secedes

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Rachel Parker
Just a few questions before we pledge allegiance, Mr. President.
Texas is totally on the verge of seceding, after 25,000 people signed a petition calling for the state's removal from the ones that are United. We're pretty much set on sticking it out as Texans, because the only thing worse than living out our existence in a destined-to-fail non-American country governed by a politically untouchable special-needs person would be packing up our apartment again.

See also:
- Top 100 Reasons Why Texas Is Awesome
- Texas Nationalist Movement Would Like to Secede Now, Please

But before we re-sign our lease, we have a few quick logistical questions. If you have questions of your own, leave them in the comments.

1. Will I need a passport to get into America?

2. Will we get our own dollar with Rick Perry holding a uterus on it?

3. What the hell is Matthew McConaughey gonna do?

4. Can my gun now carry a gun?

5. Is not wearing the mandatory Texas flag shirt punishable by death, or just life in prison?

6. Is it going to cost 25,000 frequent flier miles to get to Albuquerque now? Ugh.

7. What about the death penalty? Will we only execute retarded people now?

8. Wait, the Mexicans go with America, right? But El Fenix stays?

9. What will we bomb first once we're done with all the Planned Parenthoods?

10. Can countries sue other countries? (Guest question sent in from reader
Greg Abbott)

11. Will Tommy Lee Jones dissolve from existence?

12. Is The Voice going to be subtitled now?

13. Can I drink in church?

14. Will there be legitimate rape?

15. When I retire, how much should I count on getting in Texas Social Security? If not much, can I self-deport to America?

16. Will I die at the Alamo? What if I don't want to die at the Alamo? Can I self-deport to America?

17. Will state troopers wear coonskin caps? Can I self-deport to America?

18. If Texas is its own country, will I have to learn their language?

19. Can I shoot my kids?

20. Will the Texas Bill of Rights have Viagra?

21. Will there be chicken-fried pasta?

22. I'll still get Showtime, right? If not, can this wait until Homeland is over?

23. Will I have to purchase my own transvaginal probe wand, or will one be provided for me?

24. Is Chuck Norris the VP or the Secretary of Defense? If so, does he need interns?

25. Can we force the IRS to give Willie Nelson his money back?

26. Which denomination will be the official national religion, Southern Baptist or Cowboy Church?

27. As women, I obviously don't understand any of this. Will my husband explain it to me? Can he also re-explain my vagina to me?

28. Will the only TV shows be Walker, Texas Ranger played on a loop in back-to-back episodes with Touched By An Angel and Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman?

29. We might as well have excessive banjos in the national anthem, right?

30. If I Duck tape a truck bed to the back, can I keep my Prius?

31. Oh! Oh! Can I have one of the windmills when you take them all down? I promise it's not for energy. It's for art.

32. No art? Really? Huh.

33. Will we still have to pick up our dogs' shits or can we just shoot the dog shits now?

34. Can we bring back mail guys on horseback? That was cool.

35. We can still drink Coors Light though, right?

36. When I have my period, that's the American terrorists winning, right? When I don't have my period, that's also the American terrorists winning, correct?

37. What about rap?



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237 comments
Flyer9753
Flyer9753 topcommenter

ROFL!! Great list.

 

Go ahead an secede - want a push?

 

Or better yet, since it's probably not the majority of the populace that wants to secede, put the traitors who do in a ship and tug it out to the 12 mile limit then let them go so they can truly fend for themselves.

 

They will be back knocking on the door and begging to be let back in, inside of a week.

rxbecerr
rxbecerr

I have a better idea.  It is in the Texas constitution that Texas can be formed into 5 states. Instead of seceding, let's break Texas up into 5 states.  That way you have more senators and a better party representations.  South Texas, Central, East, West and North Texas.  Yeah, this will work, I like my idea. LOL!

QstionEvythng
QstionEvythng

Your first question is, "Will I need a passport to get into America?"  Why are you assuming that we'll let you back into America, even on a tourist visa.  We won't.  We won't want you in our country any more after you secede than we want you in our country now.  You are welcome to go.  Leave.  Quickly!

mana
mana

Oh wait! What will happen to Unemployment checks, the Welfare program, Social Security checks, VA Hospitals, Federal Funds for Public Schools, FDIC insured Banks, the Post Office and all other Federal entities that we rely on? These Petitioners are a bunch of Morons and so is Rick Perry. This is all a ploy to get his name out there so that when he runs for President again, he won't be so unknown to the rest of the United States. This is the same person who said "When we came in the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that.". What a load of Bull. Anyone who is this stupid should step down from public office.

wordworks2001
wordworks2001

Secessionists suck! They should have their citizenship immediately revoked, taken to the nearest international border and be forced to cross with only the property they can carry. OR put them all on leaky boats heading toward Cuba. Sorry Cuba, but this will be payback for the Mariel Boat Lift.

jwilliams057
jwilliams057

What happens to A&M? I mean, they just got in the SEC. 

Poindexter
Poindexter

I can't wait to see how completely shitty the Dallas Cowboys and Dallas Mavericks will become when Texas secedes and every self-respecting black American refuses to have anything to do with the state because pathetic, pantywaist white Texas conservatives can't abide by living under a Black President Of The United States Of America.

 

Better get used to going 0-16...or are you backwoods rednecks going to create an all-alabaster league like the one you used to have?

auntiecairo
auntiecairo

The New Secessionist World already has a leader - best of luck to Queen Honey Boo Boo. . .

auntiecairo
auntiecairo

The Red states (eg those who have a few citizens who want to secede)  better start saving money now for the billions they won't get from the Federal government next time they have a hurricane, tornado, fire, drought. . . . and get ready to be billed by the Federal government for the National Highways that run through your states -- never mind you already take a disproportionate share of Federal money to pay for your low wage workers. .  . and don't forget to tell Governor Perry we'll need his state pension and other benefits to pay to fix those roads and bridges we won't be getting federal money for that he uses to line his coffers with. . .

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

The bottom line is that half this country has now successfully ordered the other half to the tongue of the wagon to pull it.  It was just a matter of time.  

 

"Make me."

 

We are now officially outnumbered by those who ride in the wagon, work for it, retired from it, or contract to it.  They are led by the Left who employ class envy (the age-old tactic), that income and wealth was stolen, not earned.  That the very people who pay the freight on all that you see are at their core, racist, misogynistic homophobes.  Yeah, you've got it reduced to the cartoon, except these cartoon characters will eventually shoot you.

 

Every democracy and republic has repeated this cycle since the Athenian Republic over two thousand years ago.  Or if you shun history then you might remember the movie - "Gladiator" - he was a Spaniard who fought wars for Rome but was never allowed in.  We call them illegal aliens today (ha!).  Illegals or slaves were brought in so vast numbers of citizens could sit in idleness . . . and unhappiness since life is in the struggle of it.  It will never be fair for the ones who refuse to put the effort into it.

 

"In the end we beat them with Levi 501 jeans. Seventy-two years of Communist indoctrination and propaganda was drowned out by a three-ounce Sony Walkman. A huge totalitarian system . . . has been brought to its knees because nobody wants to wear Bulgarian shoes. . . . Now they’re lunch, and we’re number one on the planet." - P. J. O’Rourke (b. 1947), U.S. journalist. “The Death of Communism,” in Rolling Stone (New York, Nov. 1989; repr. in Give War a Chance, 1992).

 

Well it back, boys and girls.  Today's machination is called "Social Democracy".  

 

It always ends up bad.

christina.cool
christina.cool

i think these are valid questions, but i have a vagina so i should probably get a man to explain them to me :-/

guy1
guy1

secession is a great idea! i'm tired of  the "stupid and immoral" people(democrats) letting our country go down the toilet.....and women selling out their country for free contaceptives and "killing their babies thru abortions....and if secession is illegal like posted....then just form another country(or kick the crap out of california and move the people out....and take half our nuclear missles(and point them at new york and dc) and army for protection....

zombiezombieyumyum
zombiezombieyumyum

Will Texarkana get a West Bank?  Can we nuke Arkansas pre-emptively?  Will the infidels in Oklahoma need visas for Texas OU Weekend?  Would a tariff on Final Net imports cause a trade war?  Will Austin get its own Berlin Wall?  Will AA use this to fuck with Southwest Airlines if they try to get Love Field its own Terminal D?

texas78751
texas78751

"special needs people" - thanks for the marginalization, whoever wrote this article is obviously retarded!

palebo
palebo

Beyond the fact that our US Constitution makes it illegal, beyond the fact that 15 states tried to do this in 1860-61 and were defeated, there's the fact that Texas has Already tried to do this and was struck down by the SCOTUS:Texas v. White[53] was argued before the United States Supreme Court during the December 1868 term. Chief Justice Salmon P. Chase read the Court's decision, on April 15, 1869.[54] Australian Professors Peter Radan and Aleksandar Pavkovic write:Chase, [Chief Justice], ruled in favor of Texas on the ground that the Confederate state government in Texas had no legal existence on the basis that the secession of Texas from the United States was illegal. The critical finding underpinning the ruling that Texas could not secede from the United States was that, following its admission to the United States in 1845, Texas had become part of "an indestructible Union, composed of indestructible states." In practical terms, this meant that Texas has never seceded from the United States.[55]However, the Court's decision recognized some possibility of the divisibility "through revolution, or through consent of the States".[55][56]In 1877, the Williams v. Bruffy[57] decision was rendered, pertaining to civil war debts. The Court wrote regarding acts establishing an independent government that "The validity of its acts, both against the parent state and the citizens or subjects thereof, depends entirely upon its ultimate success; if it fail to establish itself permanently, all such acts perish with it; if it succeed and become recognized, its acts from the commencement of its existence are upheld as those of an independent nation."[55][58]Historian Kenneth Stampp notes that a historical case against secession had been made that argued that "the Union is older than the states" and that "the provision for a perpetual Union in the Articles of Confederation" was carried over into the Constitution by the "reminder that the preamble to the new Constitution gives us one of its purposes the formation of 'a more perfect Union."[24] Concerning the White decision Stampp wrote:In 1869, when the Supreme Court, in Texas v. White, finally rejected as untenable the case for a constitutional right of secession, it stressed this historical argument. The Union, the Court said, "never was a purely artificial and arbitrary relation." Rather, "It began among the Colonies. ...It was confirmed and strengthened by the necessities of war, and received definite form, and character, and sanction from the Articles of Confederation."[24]

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

You know what is going to destroy this country faster than a bad economy, drugs, zero morality?  People on Facebook....I thought we agreed you Facebook trolls would quit posting lame sh+t.

UnCoverUp
UnCoverUp

Perry had better get with it soon because there is a rumor  that the federal budget balancing compromise being worked on in DC calls for the sale of Alaska back to Russia and the sale of l Texas to the drug lords now ruling Mexico. The Mexico-Texas merger would obviate Perry's job and force him to seek political refugee status in the IUSA (Improved United States)--if they would take him in. 

pwu0
pwu0

 @LegitQuestions You obviously don't understand that the list is supposed to be sarcastic. The Dallas Observer is on your side, not on the side of the wackos. But I suppose you think all of us Texans are clones of Rick Perry.

BillStewart2012
BillStewart2012

 @briansays CItizenship's too critical a right to take even from secessionists.

 

But if somebody wants to start a Whitehouse.gov petition to "not let the door hit Texas in the ass on the way out" I'll be happy to sign that one.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

 @Poindexter Right, because no black people will be willing to give up their pride to make millions of dollars a year.

 

Except, you know, pretty much every black entertainer in the last 20 years (except Paul Mooney.)

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

 @auntiecairo Texas only gets back 80 cents on the dollar for what it pays to the Feds now.  They are the ones who should be worried about the loss of revenue.  And renters don't get reimbursed for improvements to the property when they GTFO.

msnixie
msnixie

 @auntiecairo And all those military bases - the US will empty, remove equipment, and dismantle-- same with the US taking down the Houston Space Center and NASA training facilities.  No, y'all don't get to keep them.   And we New Mexican's will be sure to require a special visa stamp at $5K per man, woman, child  to clean up the damn trash y'all feel so free throwing out your car windows as you drive through to  Ruidoso, Santa Fe, Taos and Red River for your hunting and skiing trips.

auntiecairo
auntiecairo

 @holmantx yet amazingly the Blue States are fare more economically successful than the Red States - how many international banks are located in Redneck USA. . . .

msnixie
msnixie

 @guy1 Son, those nuclear missiles are the property of the US government and TX won't get to keep 'em or any other US government funded resource. 

TheoDoshier
TheoDoshier

 @guy1

Take some more OTC drugs, another shot of Jack Daniels and return to your Faux News bunker, I think your wife is cooking some possum.

sheetforbrains
sheetforbrains

 @guy1 we in california resent that remark.  And you might be surprised when California kicks your ass.  Please learn to spell Missile before using the term.  You are a moron and hereby banished from this forum.  That's the problem with the internet - even the stupid speak.

caitoconnor
caitoconnor

 @palebo If you're gonna copy/paste from Wikipedia, you should at least delete the brackets and source numbers LOL

randi.trollop
randi.trollop

 @UnCoverUp The Mexican cartels will just wait for the secession and take it.  No need to pay for it.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

 @UnCoverUp 

 

Also a rumor that Mesquite and Garland would be given back to Oklahoma, and that Lake Lewisville will become a giant parking lot; therefore improving said space!  I once puked in Lake Lewisville and the property value increased 38%. 

 

 

ps-And you ask, iff'n they pave Lake Lewisville, where will the boating strippers go?  Maybe go visit there kids?!

lynne68
lynne68

 @everlastingphelps  It's more like $.91 cents on the dollar, and if they take Mississippi with them who get $2.73 on the dollar and Alabama at $1.96 for every dollar they send I think we'll make out ahead just fine. We need to keep FL, us northerners need a place to retire to.

Derp
Derp

 @auntiecairo  @holmantx Yes, that is totally why Dallas, Houston and Atlanta are the fastest growing metros in the country. It's totally because the Blue States are SOOO much more economically successful.  I'm a liberal, and wish Texas WAS a Blue State, but you should probably do a little research before spouting idiotic drivel.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

@TheCredibleHulk Hopefully, Life is just one damned thing after another. (Frank Ward O'Malley).

 

 

 

lynne68
lynne68

 @Derp  @auntiecairo  @holmantx Texas, yes, the rest of the red states, mostly no. Texas does have a lot of (dwindling) natural resources, but they'll have to float the rest of the red South...that didn't work so well for West Germany for a long time when they merged with East Germany, and W. Germany was a much better organized economy with a better social system than Texas has...

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

 @Derp  @auntiecairo All kidding aside, maybe oil and gas here in Texas will save the nation.  Out in Abilene to Midland to Wichita Falls, it's like the Grapes of Wrath.  Thousands are piling in to work the oilfields.

 

I'd like to think the Nation could harness Texas to pull us all out by the bootstraps.  All the federal government has to do is let up a little.

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