Knife-Wielding Bandit Makes Off With Penis Pump From Adult Novelty Store

Categories: Crime

DrJoelPenisPump.jpg
Dr. Joel has your prescription for male enhancement.
The police report for Sunday afternoon's robbery of the Zone d' Erotica on Forest Lane doesn't say much. Someone walked into the adult novelty retailer with a knife, demanded cash, and left.

The robber got the money, about $250, but he (or she -- the report doesn't specify) also made off with a single piece of merchandise: a $150 penis pump.

Police don't list what brand of penis pump, and a manager at Zone d' Erotica declined to comment, so one is left to speculate. Perhaps it was the Fire Pump ("A sexual firefighter knows how to extend his hose!") Or maybe the Rookie (complete with "removable multi-speed vibrating bullet")? If this individual were truly concerned about girth, however, they would undoubtedly go with Dr. Joel (a "heavy-duty high pressure metal vacuum pump with EZ grip padded handles, professional vacuum gauge, flanged clear cylinder, non-crimping flexible hose, universal interlocking male and female connectors, quick disconnect valve, and a hygienically superior Silicone vacuum seal.)

Whichever it was the thief should enjoy it while he can, since pretty soon he could be doing hard time. Yes, we went there.


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21 comments
Shogannai
Shogannai

@shilkytouch Maybe he was coming from a bris.

PerryMoore
PerryMoore

In thirty years, this news will still be interesting to someone, and it will still be somewhere, floating around in whatever ether we are then employing to convey information. That's why nobody needs to live forever.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

That thing looks like the tool I use to change-out my brake fluid...

 

...and that was not a euphemism.

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

got cash in my pocket and feelin lucky tonight

Mike McCullough
Mike McCullough

Wow sean, you must be a real hoot at parties. now to add my own lame comment re: the story...that 'sucks'

Sean Willis
Sean Willis

Is there nothing more productive you all can be working on at the Observer? Please help me understand why this article was published.

Vince Gonzales
Vince Gonzales

Despite his shortcomings, it took balls to pull this one off!

CJ Dylan
CJ Dylan

...statistics are sometimes inflated however

Rudy Cruz
Rudy Cruz

Can I still return it? It's too big.

CJ Dylan
CJ Dylan

That's my bag, baby. Yeah!

shilkytouch
shilkytouch

@Shogannai It was obviously an emergency. Sometimes you need girth and you need it now. Especially during ancient religious rites

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