How to Petty-Theft Your Way to Riches Under the Dallas PD's New "Crackdown"

Categories: Schutze

SHZ_GetOffMyLawn_TitleImageV2.jpg
As Eric noted earlier, there's a hilarious kind of stand-off going on these days between Dallas Police Chief David Brown, who says petty theft rates in the city have fallen because of his own tough police work, and Dallas Morning News reporters Steve Thompson and Tanya Eiserer, who proved in a story on Sunday -- I say again, proved, P-R-O-V-E-D -- that the rates went down because Brown ordered his cops to stop responding to shoplifting calls of less than $50.

As of last January 5 -- the day Brown put in effect his no-big-deal policy for thefts under fifty bucks -- the rate of reported thefts under $50 in Dallas has fallen by 73 percent, Eiserer and Thompson reported. They showed in their original story that the drop in reported small thefts happened the same day -- the same day! -- that Brown put the new policy in effect.

Steal 51 bucks, the cops come. Steal 49 bucks, they don't leave the station house.

Suuuuweet!

But in his original interview with them and then again yesterday, Brown insisted the new policy had nothing to do with the plunge in the petty theft rate. He said the rate fell because he had cracked down on "fences," the middlemen who buy stolen goods from thieves. He said this in spite of common street wisdom that only organized shoplifting rings use fences, while petty thieves generally steal stuff for themselves.

So, forget all that. Here's what I want to know. Under the new policy, what can I steal? And where should I steal it?

If you're kind of drawing up a shopping list in your head, here's what you need to know about stealing stuff in Dallas under the new rules. Stay away from major malls and big box stores. They tend to have their own serious private security operations, and under the new procedures the mall cops can quasi-arrest you and get your info and email it in to the department.

Now, if you do get nabbed at Best Buy or Walmart or something, here's a tip. Apparently under the chief's new rules, the police still won't accept the report if the mall cops have not obtained your proper ID from you.

Short of beating the shit out of you, mall cops can't really force you to ID yourself. So when they ask you your name, give it as, "Mickey Mouse." Tell them your address is, "Suite 52, Upyourass Towers." And stick with that. I'm telling you, Chief Brown does not want to know.

But the really sweet deal here is the small mom and pop business where you know they don't have private security. The important thing to watch is your sticker amounts. In practical terms, there really isn't shit Mom and Pop can do to you as long as you steal stuff from them that comes to a total amount of less than 50 bucks.

It's also important in the small stores not to ID yourself, and don't behave in a way that could be interpreted as physically threatening, because that will allow them to call it in as something more serious.

I would even suggest this: Have business cards printed that say on the front, "Mickey Mouse, Suite 52, Upyourass Towers," and then on the back they say "I am going to steal merchandise from your establishment today (and possibly again tomorrow) of a total value less than $50. There will be no violence or disturbance of any kind. We can get this over faster if you would take time to point out to me some of your nicer under-fifty-bucks items. Have a nice day."

One part of this worries me. Let's say it's you and me out there stealing under-50-bucks amounts. I think that's OK, because we're basically good people, and we're really playing by the rules. The chief's rules, after all.

But what if Ed Earl ("Pinhead") Schlitz walks into the super beer store on the corner near me with his girlfriend, Credenza, and his other girlfriend, Neisseria. Pinhead says, "Credz, grabba half-case o' Pabbs, carry it out to Nessy, come back in here."

She does. Then he says, "Grabba 'nother half case of Pabbs, carry it out to Nessy."
Couldn't they do this all night until they fill an 18-wheeler with Pabst? And wouldn't the cops still refuse to leave the station house because each individual Pabst theft is under 50 bucks?

See, I'm worried about bad people horning in on our good thing. You know that's just going to wreck it, because that's way too much Pabst.

That's why I wish the chief would think about modifying the new petty theft rules. It should be that the cops won't leave the station house if the theft is under fifty bucks and if you can also tell that the thief is a nice person.

By the way, I'm thinking of opening my own beer resale store. Mess with me and I'll shoot your ass.



Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
24 comments
pizzzzzer
pizzzzzer

when when the "cheapo" perp gets caught and a fight ensues and someone gets hurt because the police wont police...THEN WHAT LEFTY

 

MORE LEFTY CODDLING OF CRIMINALS

 

MORE LEFTY "STAT FIXING" ( why are the leftist schools beat up for stats fixin???)

 

wait until obamacare takes over

 

more stat fixing to claim all is well in "STATESVILLE"

ozonelarryb
ozonelarryb

Under $50 means cigs, beer, candy, trinkets.  How do 'fences' relate to that???  Puts the lie to any thought of 'intelligent policing'.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

Turn it into a revenue generator to the DPD like traffic tickets.  7-11s (any retailer) could pay $300 for every response by the DPD that resulted in a ride to Lew Sterrett.  It would probably be cheaper than running your own security and filling out the paperwork now required, as well as being a deterrent to shoplifting.  AS it currently stands, what stops bums and kids from walking, grabbing what they want, and running out?

erickeithscott
erickeithscott

@Dallas_Observer alright gonna pick 200 stores this week to steal $49 worth of merch from then sell it all on ebay for $149

WylieH
WylieH

There is actually precedent for this. As a matter of policy, I believe (you could easily check this out), DPD stopped actively enforcing traffic laws on the interstate highway network in Dallas a few years ago. As I understand it, the only remaining active traffic law enforcement on highways within the Dallas city limits occurs: 1) on NTTA toll roads, where enforcement is contracted out to the Texas Dept. of Public Safety; and 2) on certain highways in South Dallas, where the Dallas County Sheriff's dept. actively patrols (this includes I-30 from downtown to Grand Prairie). Everywhere else on the interstates in Dallas, you can essentially do whatever you want, unless you happen to be unlucky enough to pass a DPD cruiser who happens to be just driving along the freeway in question, on duty, in his beat area, and not actively working another call (very rare).

PerryMoore
PerryMoore

Actually, shoplifters prefer to call it petty redistribution of wealth.

holmantx
holmantx topcommenter

What's a Korean C-store operator to do?

 

smoke 'em if you got'em.

 

And does this mean I can just toss my $35 parking ticket in Deep Ellum?  

 

Or ignore the invoice in the mail on the Dallas North Tollway?  

 

WAIT!

 

I do that already . . . 

WhiteWhale
WhiteWhale

Perhaps Chief David Brown can post a list of gun free establishments to be of further service to the undocumented purchasers?  This would further reduce the 'reported crime' rate as well as healthcare costs.

Kyle
Kyle

Ummm...why do thefts have to reported as $50 or less? How will the police know the value of the items stolen before ALL of them are recovered? Unless merchants have been voluntarily calling the police on amounts they already know won't be responded to which begs the question as to whether they may deserve what they get from all concerned, it seems to me that what Chief Brown has managed to accomplish has only been to artificially inflate the values of the thefts that the police are called on. Every theft now should miraculously be for $51 or more.

RTGolden1
RTGolden1 topcommenter

Can mom n pop shoot a petty thief for under $50?  How 'bout if they just shoot him in the leg?

HeywoodUBuzzoff
HeywoodUBuzzoff

Yet another entry in the Who Can be the Most Embarrassingly Stupid Public Official Contest.  Ple note that JWP is not eligible to win this year after sweeping the event for so many years.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

Chief Brown then proceeded to explain that the unfortunate events that happened in your mouth were coincidental to new efforts crack down on semen messes on the carpet.

anonomous
anonomous

I thought this was a column about Mike Rhyner

WhiteWhale
WhiteWhale

 @RTGolden1 Not if the goal is to reduce the reported crime rate and the police work load.  Either the undocumented purchaser gets a way free and clean or mom n pop must do an undocumented burial.  Otherwise there are negative stats and actual police work.

JimSX
JimSX topcommenter

 @RTGolden1 It's all about litigation. Better to gift-wrap some under-fifty-dollar items and put them out front on a table with a sign, "For our non-paying clientele."

scottindallas
scottindallas topcommenter

 @anonomous those are the terms in which it's being thought about by just about everybody.

everlastingphelps
everlastingphelps topcommenter

 @JimSX Man, they spin off the Backpage here and all of the sudden everyone is uptight.

Now Trending

Dallas Concert Tickets

Around The Web

From the Vault

 

General

Loading...