Welcome to Bikinis, Texas: Austin Businessman Wants to Turn Entire Hill Country Town Into a Giant Breastaurant

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Soon, an entire town of this.
Temple Smith was a farsighted man. In 1913, the president of Fredericksburg's first bank had sense enough to help finance the construction of a rail line between Fredericksburg and Comfort. A small town, Bankersmith, was settled there, but Smith saw beyond the relative boom that brought a post office, lumberyard, and dance hall.

Smith saw past even the town's decline into virtual nonexistence during and after the Great Depression. Yes, Smith no doubt was looking toward the day when the town that bears his name would be purchased by a breastaurant chain, have its name changed to Bikinis, Texas, and be transformed into a getaway for frisky, middle-aged men who have apparently never heard of a strip club.

That day has come. Austin breastaurateur Doug Guller announced today that his company, ATX Brands, LLC, had purchased the town after he spotted it recently on Craig's list and "will change the name to Bikinis, Texas after his successful breastaurant franchise," according to a press release.

"Bikinis, TX will be a world class destination and I am thrilled to expand the Bikinis brand to include town ownership," the release quotes him as saying. "There can't be a better way to put Bikinis on the map...Literally."

Let's hope his party destination is better than his puns.

The website has few details about how, specifically, Guller plans to make the mostly uninhabited stretch of Hill Country "world class," but it's guaranteed to include youngish, large-chested women in undersized swimwear. And Bankersmith/Bikinis is unincorporated land, so there will be no need to settle whether it should have a strong mayor or city manager form of government or haggle over zoning restrictions. Instead there will be just one overgrown adolescent with too much money and too many willing charges.

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27 comments
amanuesis
amanuesis

Are there any real estate agents there yet? We're there dude.

pizzer
pizzer

yesssssssssssssss

rufuslevin
rufuslevin

WAIT UNTIL SOME DUDE INCORPORATES SOMETHING NEARBY AND CALLS IT TOTALLYNAKEDCHICK TOWN.....BIKINIVILLE IS TOAST THEN.

rufuslevin
rufuslevin

LIBERAL MEN ALL HAVE BREAST FANTASIES OWING TO INADEQUATE FEEDING FROM THEIR MOTHERS, AND LIBERAL WOMEN HAVE NO USE FOR BREASTS AS THEY GET IN THE WAY WHEN HUGGING TREES.

fazarian
fazarian

As cities in California file for bankruptcy, a business man in Texas builds a city.  If I were him, I would frack the shit out of that land.  Considering the injections won't hurt anyone since it is uninhabited.  Use the proceeds from fracking to develop a "world class" destination. Bikini's Texas, where the cheerleaders are actually men.

Mike Murphy
Mike Murphy

My friend Maggie Montgomery made Bankersmith a destination by living there for fifteen years, creating a venue in the middle of nowhere, complete with house concerts, BBQ and Sunday jams. She was evicted from Bankersmith yesterday so the bikers could take over what she created. Somehow, that got left out of the story....her son, Monte Montgomery, held concerts and reunions of his Montiacs there several times a year. The BBQ guy is the one who sold her out to Doug Guller. There is no justice. There was no 'long abandoned' town. It was full of life and laughter and beer, and it was Maggie's home.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall

You actually ate "food" ant one of these places?

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

Give me the one on the right. She's crazy as all get out but I bet she's better at her job. Just looks more like a hard worker than the other two.

Steve
Steve

Funny how it's ok to condescendingly snicker at male heterosexuality, but say ONE WORD about obnoxiously swishy gays and you're a Damn BULLY!!!

Chiggers!
Chiggers!

That's what I love about highschool girls: I keep getting older and they all keep stayin' the same age! *giggity*

Zizi JeanMer
Zizi JeanMer

Amazing how those perky tanned breasts become sagging, liver-spotted, stretch-marked flaps over the years.........

ChrisYu
ChrisYu

AG Abbott does not approve of 'banana hammock' but Bikini TX we're good to go

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall

Man up and go on over to Baby Dolls and skip the starter kits

Me Likes
Me Likes

Eenie meenie minee mo....

Ed D.
Ed D.

Hear that, Dallas city council? A prominent business owner says all a Texas town needs to be "world class" is plenty of young, scantily clad chesty women. (Think how many chicken wings we could have bought with the money we wasted on schools and roads.)

rufuslevin
rufuslevin

UNLESS THEY ARE BLACK....THEN YOU ARE A RACIST BULLY..

rufuslevin
rufuslevin

CAREFUL OR THEY WILL TWEET YOU, SEND YOU SEXTING MESSAGES, AND SHOW YOU THEIR OBESE BODIES, THEIR PATHETIC TATS, THEIR NAVEL JEWELRY, BUT NEVER EVER THEIR GPA SCORES.

rufuslevin
rufuslevin

JUST ADD IN SOME TATTOOS AND PIERCED JEWELED HANGING DOODADS.....MAN.....THAT LEATHER MAKES GOOD WALLETS....

rufuslevin
rufuslevin

AND THE DAMN BRIDGE!!   DON'T FORGET THE BRIDGE!!!

RomeoPathicMedsun
RomeoPathicMedsun

 @rufuslevin

 

Calm down, Rufus.

 

We already know you're unbelievably miserable old white guy. We don't need any more corroboration.

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