Jason Roberts Won't Endorse. We Advise Marc Veasey and Domingo Garcia How to Woo the All-Important Hipster Vote

Categories: Politics

jason roberts.jpg
There's only one question left in the District 33 U.S. House race: WWJRD?
Now that the race for North Texas' newest congressional seat has officially been whittled down from a dozen to just two, it has transformed from an entertaining, no-holds-barred political cockfight with several amusing sideshows into a ethno-geographical scramble for endorsements.

A mess, in other, smaller words.

A couple of days ago, you had several Hispanic leaders from Dallas County reiterating their endorsement of Marc Veasey, the black candidate from Tarrant County. Yesterday, you had Kathleen Hicks, a black former councilwoman from Fort Worth, throwing her support to Domingo Garcia, the Hispanic candidate from Dallas County.

Identity politics isn't supposed to be so complicated. For most of the campaign, it wasn't, at least for us at Unfair Park. We, of course, are hipsters, and with Jason Roberts in the race, didn't have to think. But Roberts lost, dashing our hopes that Congress will come together to transform the United States into a forward-thinking urban utopia. We've asked for a recount, but so far, no dice.

Instead, we've been waiting breathlessly for Roberts to tell us whom to vote for. Today, I couldn't wait any longer, so I called him up.

Both Veasey and Garcia have asked for his blessing, but Roberts has declined.

"I'm kinda staying out of the endorsements," he told me, adding later, "I don't sense the earth moving with either candidate."

You heard it, Marc and Domingo. That means the all-important hipster vote is up for grabs, and I have a feeling it's really going to swing this election. Roberts sayeth that what you're doing won't cut it, so here are a few pieces of advice to woo the hipster set.

Domingo, you already have an awesome mustache, but it needs a little something extra. Maybe something like this:

rollie-fingers.png

Marc, you are being demolished in the all-important facial hair department, and I fear it's too late to catch up. I suggest you borrow James Harden's.

Domingo, I hear you have a fancy car. Trade it in for a bike, preferably a fixie. Use it to wobble around North Oak Cliff. Don't forget the news boy cap.

Marc, I don't know what kind of transportation you use, but be sure to gripe constantly about the lack of bike lanes. Stare angrily at City Manager Mary Suhm whenever you get a chance. Try to work the term "complete streets" into every conversation.

Every time I see you guys, you're wearing suits. You dress like my grandfather. Ever heard of skinny jeans and pearl snaps? The latter are to be worn ironically, of course.

You both embrace social media way too unreservedly. I'd suggest qualifying your posts on Facebook, etc. with constant complaints about its intrusiveness and cluttered aesthetics.

The public needs to know your stance on Animal Collective's first album. I've heard not a peep about this from either of you, and I think it will show real leadership to tackle this issue head on.

Promise to defund the Trinity toll road and use the money for a trolley line between the Kessler Theater and Sons of Herman Hall. Maybe have a Conan the Barbarian-type campaign poster in which you, giant-sized and shirtless, straddle the Trinity with the shattered tollway at your feet.

Raise chickens in your backyard garden. Give them cute names and organic feed, so everybody knows that you're sincere.

Refuse to drink anything but Lone Star.

Add mandatory harmonica lessons to the Head Start curriculum.

Make snarky comments on Unfair Park under a completely transparent alias.

Whichever of you heeds more of this advice will soon be settling into a comfy chair in the U.S. House of Representatives. The other will be stuck in Dallas-Fort Worth, ruing the day you ever crossed Jason Roberts.


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13 comments
JerryManders
JerryManders

This has that all too familiar Observer douche scent worn by hipster doofas tard monkeys.

Bloodinthewater
Bloodinthewater

Nice. There is much to be missed about Wilonsky, including his Sunday afternoon ruminations on the upcoming Monday council committee meetings, but his silly unquestioning manfawning over all things Jason and Zac and Brent and New Urbanistas is hopefully gone from UP. Folks can check the DMN if they need some RW 'reporting' of a latebreaking vimeo or facebook hipster scoop: Jason's 342 voters, gathering in matching snazzycaps (never helmets) on their Oak Cliff bikes and riding over to those boarded up, tax delinquent properties Zac and Bennett and the Bishop Arts fellas got the City to give them over $one million$ to buy over a year ago? Maybe surrounding the property with piano players, potted plants, and taco stands made from shipping containers? All green, sustainable and walkable of course. Just need the new City budget year to start so they can get another long draw at the public teat.

gipster
gipster

Isn't Shiner still hipster?  Not new but sort of classic hipster?

Mike
Mike

Maybe this guy did not get any votes since he does not realize he is in EBJ's district. The picture is on the wrong side of her district from the new district. No hipsters are in the new district unless they came from Ft Worth side. The Lege and court set it up that way.

Garciadtx
Garciadtx

Ok,I don't have chickens,but I do have three home gardens and grow my own veggies.I do oppose the tollroad in the  Trinity and have for almost 20 years,before it was hip to do so. Also I support the trolly,my wife commissioner Dr. Elba Garcia just got $ 500,000.00 of county funds to get it going.Also my Victory election night party will be at The Kessler,my first fundraiser was at the Texas Theater.Got to pass on the baseball cap,but I do drink Shiner Bock,great article.

Zeeba Neighba
Zeeba Neighba

A true hipster would never identify his/her-self as such. Pretentious poseur or douche-bag would be a more apt descriptive for those that do.

lol
lol

Haha! I love the campaign poster idea. Seriously eye catching.

RTGolden
RTGolden

Thanks Eric, best humorous article to come out of UP in quite some time.  Loved it.

LDR4
LDR4

 DEBC is too mainstream these days. Real hipsters are turning to Peticolas.

peterpiper
peterpiper

Yay! We have missed Randall and Jeff.

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