Jason Roberts Won't Endorse. We Advise Marc Veasey and Domingo Garcia How to Woo the All-Important Hipster Vote
Now that the race for North Texas' newest congressional seat has officially been whittled down from a dozen to just two, it has transformed from an entertaining, no-holds-barred political cockfight with several amusing sideshows into a ethno-geographical scramble for endorsements.
There's only one question left in the District 33 U.S. House race: WWJRD?
A mess, in other, smaller words.
A couple of days ago, you had several Hispanic leaders from Dallas County reiterating their endorsement of Marc Veasey, the black candidate from Tarrant County. Yesterday, you had Kathleen Hicks, a black former councilwoman from Fort Worth, throwing her support to Domingo Garcia, the Hispanic candidate from Dallas County.
Identity politics isn't supposed to be so complicated. For most of the campaign, it wasn't, at least for us at Unfair Park. We, of course, are hipsters, and with Jason Roberts in the race, didn't have to think. But Roberts lost, dashing our hopes that Congress will come together to transform the United States into a forward-thinking urban utopia. We've asked for a recount, but so far, no dice.
Instead, we've been waiting breathlessly for Roberts to tell us whom to vote for. Today, I couldn't wait any longer, so I called him up.
Both Veasey and Garcia have asked for his blessing, but Roberts has declined.
"I'm kinda staying out of the endorsements," he told me, adding later, "I don't sense the earth moving with either candidate."
You heard it, Marc and Domingo. That means the all-important hipster vote is up for grabs, and I have a feeling it's really going to swing this election. Roberts sayeth that what you're doing won't cut it, so here are a few pieces of advice to woo the hipster set.
Domingo, you already have an awesome mustache, but it needs a little something extra. Maybe something like this:
Marc, you are being demolished in the all-important facial hair department, and I fear it's too late to catch up. I suggest you borrow James Harden's.
Domingo, I hear you have a fancy car. Trade it in for a bike, preferably a fixie. Use it to wobble around North Oak Cliff. Don't forget the news boy cap.
Marc, I don't know what kind of transportation you use, but be sure to gripe constantly about the lack of bike lanes. Stare angrily at City Manager Mary Suhm whenever you get a chance. Try to work the term "complete streets" into every conversation.
Every time I see you guys, you're wearing suits. You dress like my grandfather. Ever heard of skinny jeans and pearl snaps? The latter are to be worn ironically, of course.
You both embrace social media way too unreservedly. I'd suggest qualifying your posts on Facebook, etc. with constant complaints about its intrusiveness and cluttered aesthetics.
The public needs to know your stance on Animal Collective's first album. I've heard not a peep about this from either of you, and I think it will show real leadership to tackle this issue head on.
Promise to defund the Trinity toll road and use the money for a trolley line between the Kessler Theater and Sons of Herman Hall. Maybe have a Conan the Barbarian-type campaign poster in which you, giant-sized and shirtless, straddle the Trinity with the shattered tollway at your feet.
Raise chickens in your backyard garden. Give them cute names and organic feed, so everybody knows that you're sincere.
Refuse to drink anything but Lone Star.
Add mandatory harmonica lessons to the Head Start curriculum.
Make snarky comments on Unfair Park under a completely transparent alias.
Whichever of you heeds more of this advice will soon be settling into a comfy chair in the U.S. House of Representatives. The other will be stuck in Dallas-Fort Worth, ruing the day you ever crossed Jason Roberts.