The John Edwards Sex Story is Just About Sex. Now Get Off My Lawn Before I Shtup You.

Categories: Politics, Schutze

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Damn! They almost got me to fall off the wagon again this morning. I came within a pubic hair's breadth of reading an entire story about John Edwards' sex life. That's actually closer than just a hair's breadth.

Today's story mentioned Lisa Blue, the Dallas lawyer and widow of Fred Barron. For a split-second, I thought, "OK, I have to read this whole story about an officeholder boinking because it involves a prominent person in our city."

But I was able to stop myself. I asked myself, "After you read about an officeholder making the two-backed beast with another human being, what will you know?"

Yup. I put that newspaper down, drew a deep breath and went on to the story about baby brain research.

I made up my mind some months ago I was going to totally swear off reading stories about other people boinking other people, even if they are singers, actors or office-holders. My motivation was two-fold.

First, in spite of our culture's national obsession with sexual intercourse among singers, actors and officeholders, reading about it has never gotten me anywhere.

And secondly, obsessing and feeling outraged about other people having sexual intercourse -- even if they're just janitors or journalists or something -- feels kind of pervy.

What do I care who, how, when or if other people screw? Why would I expend personal energy plunging into long newspaper stories about whether or not total strangers to me are screwing the right way? What right way? Is there a government manual?
Would it change anything if the stories were accompanied by a lot of really good pictures? Video, maybe? Do I really want to see John Edwards with his haircut sweaty? OK, this is getting perved-out again.

Fine, all of you fire-breathing, spit-slinging, sexually judgmental commenters out there, go ahead and blast me with comments saying it's not about John Edwards screwing. I know, I know. You will insist it's all about campaign contributions and political integrity, whether Clinton lied under oath, the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, and, hey, doesn't this make Newt Gingrich a hypocrite?

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Edwards boned this lady. Now get over it.
No, it's not. Quit kidding yourself. It's not about any of that. Bullshit. It's about people screwing. And if you think otherwise, you got a problem. You're sitting around working yourself into a very weird lather day-dreaming about how other people screw, and then getting mad about it. Think about that. Other people screwing makes you angry? You need to see a doctor.

Can you find something naughty in other people's sex lives? Obviously. If you devote all kinds of energy and gunpowder to an investigation of how other people screw, you will come up with evidence of deceit, narcissism and profligacy. That's why they call it screwing. It's not called marching, is it? It isn't yodeling.

People don't put on their Sunday best and their bowling awards to do it. Well, they might start out that way ... no, stop with that, Jim. Just stop. Perv alert. We're not going there.

Public media-driven government-backed mass prying into how other people screw is sicker than sicker than sick. It's maybe the Big Sick. We all need to put up a mental hand and say, "Stop with the stuff about how other people do it. We must insist on the public's right not to know."

And anyway, I always thought that was what the movies were for.


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58 comments
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Perry Moore
Perry Moore

Obviously, Mr. Schutze and I are in the minority when we put on the blinders to tawdry sex stories of relatively little significance. The rest of the DO staff will soon see the error of their ways, no doubt.

Staff Iran-Conoco
Staff Iran-Conoco

Attaboy Jimbo! Surely you will get that an invite to Lisa Blue-Baron's "Holiday Party" this year as reward for at least attempting to deflect public interest in her "prominent" role in the Edwards campaign finance fraud conspiracy.

You should probably review what DO published about Baron & Budd, P.C. (B&B) between 1996 and 2006 when Blue-Baron and her late husband served as officers of that corporation. If indicted for aiding and abetting Edwards' campaign finance fraud, it would not be Blue-Baron's first RICO rodeo.

Jay
Jay

The only interesting part of the sorted John Edwards saga is when the ever oily Edwards convinced his campaign staff employee Andrew Young to claim paternity of his love child. The ironic (or moronic, take your pick) part is that Young,also selected to  funnel the slush fund provided by Mellon and Fred Barron to Ms. Hunter, ended up embezzling most of the money to build his new dream house.

Yes, an Edwards administration would have been colorful...I'm thinking prison orange.

ts
ts

Since Jim has sworn of reading any stories that involve people boinking other people, does that extend to him writing stories on that front?

There go your Trinity Tollway rants.

...and their was much rejoicing.

ByondPolitics
ByondPolitics

I agree. His sex life is as boring as a cardboard box of generic vanilla ice cream.

It's why there are not any news articles about it.

Odd that you would write a column about it.

It would be awesome if people who believed that what he did was no big deal would all just find each other and leave the rest of us alone. If you all did that, then the rest of us would be safe from your betrayal and the unbelievable personal pain it causes. All of us would be safe from the lies you tell to hide your behavior.

 No one wants to associate with someone who causes tremendous pain for their own kicks.

If I were comfortable with the fact that Elizabeth had signed up to marriage to a dog (like the deal Hilary agreed to), and if he didn't lie about it & use campaign money to hide it, then I wouldn't care. 

As it is, I can't put much confidence in someone capable of such cruelty nor someone capable of lies.

He sought the public trust based on his character. The least he could do was be honest.  If he lied about something this trivial, his own choices, then he is a coward. What else would cause him to lie and use other people's money to cover up? 

I think the cowardice of a presidential candidate and former vice-presidential candidate is newsworthy. I had to listen to his ridiculous lies about character and empathy for years.

I would like to make sure that this kind of person does not get into any public leadership role.

Snakeislandsage
Snakeislandsage

My, my, to what extremes the democrat self-hypnotics can go. No wonder we have as President a non-citizen, muslim, communist dullard.

The Credible Hulk
The Credible Hulk

Oh c'mon... You know Obama isn't a non-citizen / muslim or communist.

pak152
pak152

must be a slow day at the Observer, first that hero of TxSharon and other acolytes of the Church of High Environmentalism is martyred by the evil frackers, now Edwards he of the $400 haircuts is being tried for (as JimS wrote) boinking  a sweet young thang. not that the coverup and hush money and the fact that election laws may have been violated are any of our concern.

I mean my gosh isn't there some conservative rightwing misogynistic Republican out there that can be skewered by the DO? or is everyone just off their feed?

Sunshine Go Away Today
Sunshine Go Away Today

I thought the news was about the kid he didn't want,  the veiled physical threats to the kids mom, the pawning off on and banishment a mother of three, all while his wife was dying.

I thought the news was about scumbag democrat trial lawyer doing their usual scummy things.

Wait, you are right, that's not news at all.

Now I Get It!
Now I Get It!

 Democrat trial lawyer...the kind that channels unborn children in junk science cases to make his millions..."She speaks to you through me. "And I have to tell you right now — I didn't plan to talk about this — right now I feel her. I feel her presence. She's inside me, and she's talking to you."

It's a joke that a significant portion of the Democrat voting population was even considering voting for Edwards in the 2008 primaries, even before his sex scandal.  Much like the Herman Cain sex scandal (that was based on far less) was "ice cream" for you, the John Edwards one was like ice cream for those of us who have watched him and his smarmy, self-righteous mug climb the political ladder and make millions off of junk science.

JimS
JimS

"democrat trial lawyer." Kind of gives you away. Get out of the Bubble much?

Jim_parker
Jim_parker

Jim,As with Clinton, you libs make every excuse in the book for your politicians banging everything in sight.  When Herman Cain allegations started floating out, albeit unsubstantiated, I bet the grey hair on your neck stood right up.  You're a burned out, old liberal hack.

JimS
JimS

Jim_parker: would you be willing to explain your point a little? Do you have a little point?

Jim_parker
Jim_parker

i sure would.  My point being that everytime that a Democrat gets caught screwing around, then you and your liberal buddies have no clue what the big deal is.  But when It's a Republican then he's compromised his principles, he can"t be trusted.  Unlike you, I don't care who is screwing who no matter the political persuasion.  I was no Clinton fan, but I couldn't care less what he was doing, same with Anthony Weiner. 

billmarvel
billmarvel

What's this business about "You liberals this" and (from others on the blog "you conservatives that"? Are minds hereabouts so simple that they can only deal in broad -- largely invented -- categories? Talking politics really messes wth the ability to make useful distinctions or recognize nuance, doesn't it? 

Jim_parker
Jim_parker

Hahaha I thought it was sad.  I would never have voted for him but his deer in the headlights look made me feel bad for him.

JimS
JimS

Total disclosure on Herman Cain sex scandal: It was like ice cream for me. I thought the whole thing was very unhealthy, but I do have to admit that I enjoyed it very much.

Jim_parker
Jim_parker

Lol, in this case we do.  But, I'm emailing you the next time that a Republican puts an ad out on Craigslist to see if we still agree.

JimS
JimS

So we agree, right?

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

I'm only gonna start voting for politicians who promise to wear a chastity belt for their entire time while in office. I don't care what other positions they're running on, they can keep those to themselves.....and also, that if they are doing "it"...."it" better be with their spouse and the "position" can only be the missionary one. So, I guess I lied. I suppose I do care what other positions they're running on. 

MarkS
MarkS

I read the column because I read everything by Jim. Turns out it was just about people screwing. And it made me feel pervy. More baby brains next time, please.

Albert
Albert

Not a word about your frothy fecal fun boy Dan Savage and his bullying.

Probably not in the NYT.

Albert
Albert

I can cheat on my wife and kids now, Jim's ok with that.

Phelps
Phelps

No, you have to steal some money while you are at it.  Then it's OK.

Albert
Albert

Probably helps to be a democrat.

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

None of the "who boned whom" stores are about sex.  They are all about abuse of power and an attitude of entitlement and being above the law and beyond reproach.  In that context, they are meaningful to us as long as the individuals involved are on public payroll.  Outside that (I can't believe I am about to type this...) Jim is rrrr....rrrrriiii.....rrrrrrrr.......rrrrriiii......right.

Damn that hurt.  I need to go gargle, wash my hands and have a drink.

billmarvel
billmarvel

If Gov. Edwards had misspent campaign funds on, say, model railroading or deep sea fishing would we be spilling all these electrons and all this ink? We're fascinated by other folks' sex lives. It's one of our least attractive qualities.

Bob
Bob

Do you mean Sen John Edwards or Gov Edwin Edwards?

billmarvel
billmarvel

Senator Edwards. A slip of the fingers.

Mike
Mike

If it was not about politics, why didn't Ms. Mellon and Mr. Baron simply gift the money to blonde tramp? The limit is 5 million lifetime. Neither of them intended any other contact with her. Everybody wanted deniability and they entered the political funds process on their own volition. The dying Mrs. Edwards need never know about gifts. Instead each of them corrupted the political process and that cannot get a brush off.

White collar criminals by definition always have the brains and skills to exceed legally. They as a group share the idea that they are above laws and show their arrogance in degrading activities. Maybe President Obama's greatest gift to the nation was ensuring this jerk never got any further. Easily could have had a situation with Hilary Clinton leading ticket and Edwards shoring up South again.

JimS
JimS

Mike, you put the pin in my eye on one point here. Edwards in the White House. Damn, that's a bad picture. Damn!

NoCharlyGaul
NoCharlyGaul

Because if a politician is willing to cheat on his nearest & dearest, then what kind of deceptions is he willing to foist on us constituents? 

And if he can't control his impulses just because a pretty face throws flattery at him, then how can we expect him to resist bribery & corruption when others throw money & flattery at him?

An ego like Edwards' is a real Achilles' heel.

Willie
Willie

Charly, you obviously don't have a penis with a mind of its own.

Phelps
Phelps

It's not about the screwing.  It's about the money.  For DEMOCRATS, it's about screwing, because getting high and getting laid seem to be their two main motivations, so that is what they spend all their money on.  If they stole money to spend it on macrame and crochet, then you would be bitching about how Republicans are obsessed with yarn.

JimS
JimS

Phelps,I'm just curious. If sex is the marker for all morality, if too much sex is a bad thing, and if you think Democrats have too much sex, then, in your book, are the most morally admirable and upright people of the world the ones who have the least sex?

Phelps
Phelps

Sex isn't the marker for all morality.

Too much sex isn't.  Therefore, it is not a bad thing.

Democrats do not have too much sex.  They don't have enough sex with the right people and too much sex with too many wrong people.

What exactly was your point?  You seem to be confusing libertarian with religious authoritarian again.

Phelps
Phelps

Right.  The issue is much less "Edwards had an affiar" than "Edwards had an affair and had Fred Baron cover it up for him."  Because once he brought in Baron, Baron owned him.  Lock, stock and barrel, whenever he wanted something from Edwards, all he had to do was remind Edwards that he still had the cancelled checks.  Edwards made a deal with the devil, and would have been representing that devil, not the people who elected him.

RTGolden
RTGolden

I don't think having too much sex with too many wrong people is a republican or democrat issue.  I don't even think it IS an issue.

I would submit, the problem with our politicians comes mainly from having sex with the 'wrong' (as defined by perceived societal norms) person, and either a) have pontificated against such things in the past, b) are claiming they're not doing it or c) attempting beyond all reason to cover it up.  I.e.: it isn't the sex that is screwed up, it's the lying about it.

king
king

Thanks Jimmy.  here I was thinking he really was on trial  for misuse of campaign funds.   But what's a little corruption if you really know it's about sex?

The public's right not to know.  And I guess that's all good.  Who gets to decide what we need and don't?  You and stalwart truth seekers in the press?  Ho Ho, maybe the politicos?

Phelps
Phelps

"Shit... they've found out the embezzlement!  QUICK!  FUCK SOMEONE!"

It would be funnier if it wouldn't work on people like Jim.

Jeffrey Weiss
Jeffrey Weiss

I only disagree with you this far: I think it is relevant to know if a politician is an idiot. And a politician guilty of the list of examples that have already been offered by other commenters is a per se idiot. The fine-grain details, meh. 

Willie
Willie

These days we should assume all politicians are idiots, and then Schutze can write a piece when they demonstrate that they aren't complete buffoons.

billmarvel
billmarvel

Jeff,If we're going to want to know whether our politicians are idiots, sex is the least of it.

JimS
JimS

Sex makes idiots of all human beings.

JimS
JimS

But maybe I missed something.Give me an example of someone who has approached screwing with grandeur, dignity and probity (other people, not Jeffrey, may need to look up "probity" before leaping to illiteracy). 

RTGolden
RTGolden

Your parenthetical qualification probably killed the most amusing thread line of the entire week.

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