Dallas Morning News Declares a Jihad Against Ice Cream Trucks

Categories: Schutze

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This morning an editorial in The Dallas Morning News calls for a crackdown on ice cream vendors:

"... the vendor's presence is rudely announced," the paper complains, "through loudspeakers blaring cheap electronic music like 'Turkey in the Straw' or 'The Entertainer.'"

The editorial calls for tougher law enforcement and points to the suburbs as places the city should emulate in trying to make itself tidier and more orderly.

Well, hell yes, then. I say let's beat the shit out of those ice cream bastards. Let's all get in on it. I think we as citizens should wade in there with baseball bats and broken beer bottles, drag them out of their damn cheap vans and beat them down bad.

Why? Because I think we need to beat hell out of somebody. The ice cream guys are the only people I can think of that we could maybe beat.

ice cream truck.JPG
Get 'im.
Obviously we can't do squat about cheese heroin. As Anna Merlan has already observed here today, our kids continue to kill themselves with bad drugs at about the same rate they always have. Every few years we act surprised. But that's just to cover our utter inability to do anything about it.

We can't even do anything about the fact that we here in Texas are the main source of armaments for the gangs that sell the drugs to our kids. I mean, what is that? "Oh, we're shocked, shocked that our kids are killing themselves with bad drugs purveyed by bad gang persons. Hey, I wonder if those bad gang people could use some better guns?"

Impotence. That's what it is. We can't figure out how to solve any of our own real problems. We're angry. We're frustrated as hell. So let's go beat the shit out of some ice cream vendors.

OK, I'm not serious about beating up the ice cream guys. I don't want anybody to beat up any ice cream vendors, mainly because I love ice cream vendors. The cheesier and more dented their vans, the more their badly broadcast music coming around the corner at me sounds like grackles startled from the roost, the better I like them.

Why? Because their music is a single note of crazy dilapidated fun in this terribly tightly wound, buttoned-down, pissed-off, sour-faced city. City leaders here dare talk about wanting more street life in downtown. Bullshit. They want NorthPark Center in downtown -- a sterile, locked-down, private-property ambiance in places that are supposed to be public, which is supposed to mean free.

You know what? If The Morning News can't handle "Turkey in the Straw," maybe it needs to just stay the hell at home. Or, I know: go to NorthPark. The Morning News will love it there.

The place smells like Clorox. People move their asses up and down the prison-echo corridors as fast as they can, hurrying from shop to shop to buy more stuff, never speaking or being spoken to by strangers.

Strangers. They're the real terrorists, aren't they? They go around terrorizing us by being strange. It's too bad strange can't be against the law.

If some cheesy ice cream stranger showed up at NorthPark with his "Turkey in the Straw" and his "Entertainer," those mall cops would be all over him like ticks on a dog's butt. There's your blue heaven, Morning News, if I'm not mistaken. So go there -- the land where strange is not allowed.

Meanwhile, every little chance The Morning News gets, I wish it would leave the rest of us the hell alone. I'm sick of having to go all the way to New Orleans to find a street with some weird-ass buskers, some card hustlers and some shoe-shine on it.

Cheese heroin? Gun traffic to Mexico? Not much we can do, really. But let one poor son of a bitch in a van play "Turkey in the Straw" within earshot, and they want to send out the Scrubbing Bubble stormtroopers.

It's not a heroic culture.

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110 comments
Paul Brooks
Paul Brooks

Jim Schutze,  Thanks for a GREAT article!  I'd like to treat you and the staff of the Dallas Observer to Ice Cream from our www.shortnsweettx.com Ice Cream Truck!!  Seriously, you name the time and place :)

refuse compactors
refuse compactors

 The freeways are designed properly if ONLY they would be used properly.

Poster Atat
Poster Atat

'jihad' is another word for a war of terrorism including the murdering innocent people to please Great Allah (Allah Akbar).

Perhaps we should not confuse the peaceful market place of ideas - let the strongest argument persuade - with the exact opposite, terror of innocents to get your way?

RTGolden
RTGolden

Actually, if you want to get technical about it, 'jihad' simply means struggle.  The concept is a struggle against sin and impurity.  It has nothing to do with war or terrorism. From what I understand, it was originally used to define the inner struggle against temptation and vice.

Where the usurpation comes in is the politically motivated 'interpretation' of God's will by mu'ezzin and mu'alim with ulterior motives.  Not exactly a muslim monopoly on that score either, christians have been killing in the name of God for centuries.  

Poster Atat
Poster Atat

Christians killing in the name of God?  Not lately, not in my life, you don't hear any major Christian leader supporting such nonsense, not anymore.

The Christians have learned that killing in the name of God is evil and they finally got around to ending that.

Contrast with Islam where there's an open support for jihad, which, in Muslim hands, always means killing the innocent, what we would call, "murder".

Pablo5
Pablo5

How about Iraq ? How about Pat Robertson calling for the assassination of Chavez ?

RTGolden
RTGolden

I guess shooting and IED-ing of abortion clinics and doctors for 'sinful practices' doesn't count as Killing in the name of God?  How about the unfortunate events in Northern Ireland that dominated the news for so much of the 70's and 80's? (and, incidentally, offered up a lot of motivation and inspiration to modern Islamic terrorists)  How about the NLFT in NE India, known for forced conversions to christianity, supported by the Baptist Church of Tripura, and listed as one of the 10 most-active terrorist groups in the world?

Need something more mainstream?  Watch the news, Kony, the Ugandan warlord, chief of the Lord's Resistance Army, fancies himself the messenger of God, uses child-soldiers, and brutalizes his victims.  The Westboro Baptist Church is but one loose screw from engaging in violence.

No sir, Christian terrorism and murder is as prevalent today as ever it was.  It is simply overshadowed by media coverage of Islamic terrorism.  In the Quran, it states clearly that " to kill an innocent is to kill all mankind, but to save an innocent is to save all mankind. " Seems religious fundamentalists, no matter what religion, tend to cherry pick the passages they want and discard the rest of their sacred texts.

Ricky Hollywood
Ricky Hollywood

 Don't you get it?  If we don't stop ice cream vendors, then the terrorists win.

Sacmankc135
Sacmankc135

And this has got ''''''''what to do about...............ice cream vendors?

EdS
EdS

One of the finest sounds of summer growing up in the 50s near Inwood and Lovers Lane was the ice cream truck’s music. You could hear it coming from blocks away and had enough time to find your mother and ask her for a dime or a quarter or whatever it took to buy a grape Popsicle. Now, for God’s sake, we want to silence the ice cream man?   Good grief. Jim's right:  our town is too sour-faced, pissed off, tightly wound. .

Patches
Patches

its not the noise everyone should be worried about. its the unhealthy foods that are served out of a "roach coach". Every one complains about the kids being "too fat" well then change their eating habits and make them go outside to play. Instead of allowing your child to sit in front of a blah blah all day. Its ok for them to have a treat every now and then, but not every day.

Watering Cans Gave Me Tetanus
Watering Cans Gave Me Tetanus

I like where you're going with this, but I think that kids get most of their unhealthy foods from when their caregivers buy processed, sugary crap from the grocery and serve that for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I think I can count on all my fingers and toes the amount of times I patronized an ice cream truck when I was a kid.

Harvey
Harvey

I suggest we encourage all the ice cream vendors to head down to Young Street for a Tuesday afternoon and rev up the ol' soundtrack, circling the block over and over.  Maybe we can get our own copies of "Turkey In The Straw" and join them.  

Darrd2010
Darrd2010

 And now WFAA(Belo) has decided to shill for Chesapeake Energy on yesterday's Janee show.Am I crazy to think that the media giant should not be broadcasting an infomercial cloaked in a talk show? What's going on with Belo anyway?http://dallasdrilling.wordpres...

RTGolden
RTGolden

Really?  I mean REALLY??

We're discussing the unjust, cruel, decidedly Un-American, and possibly inhuman attempt by the local elites to ban those dealers of debaucherous  delights, those Rocky Road Rangers, the magnanimous marketers of midnight mint-choco chip, our beloved (and only occasionally frightening) ice cream vendors.  In the face of such brutal subjugation of the entrepreneurial spirit you want us to worry about gas drilling?  I know it's been something near three whole work days the DO has gone without a story about drilling, and that must be terribly difficult for you to bear.  Fear not, brother Darrd, the drilling debate has not vanished.  It will certainly rear its ugly head, spewing its foul mix of money, chemicals, and pollutants across this land.  You will have yet another chance to buff out the tarnish on that suit of armor, to make shield, spear, and body work as one against this vile foe.

But, today, it's all about the ice cream.  Let it be.  about the ice cream.

matilda of tuscany
matilda of tuscany

 They have no moral compass.  They aren't the 4th Estate, they are just paid shills via advertising dollars.  Have you seen the evening news?  Natural gas ads are equal to Viagra and Cialis ads now.

Sixthfloor1500marilla
Sixthfloor1500marilla

Pop Goes the Weasel is the tune that got that ice cream man in Houston shot, shot dead, some years ago. Parked outside while some guy was trying to watch football all Sunday afternoon, hours and hours of Pop Goes the Weasel. Guy went out and shot him. You think Belo editorial staff is armed?

Dalguy
Dalguy

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM, not the DMN.

JimS
JimS

Bill Marvel: tell us about the train horns again.

matilda of tuscany
matilda of tuscany

A definite case of wag the dog.  "You are getting really sleepy, you do not notice that we are planning to make White Rock Lake a gated community development for Highland Park investors...you are getting really sleepy..."

primi_timpano
primi_timpano

It is about time the DMN tackled this public menace.  Not only are ice cream trucks the source of painful noise pollution, but their product alone probabay contributes to 100%  to the city's obesity epidemic.

I suggest the following:

Mandate ice cream trucks to only stream Pandora's ice cream music channel.  Alternatively, they can stream their own digital songs on a wifi/soundless basis only.

Decibel spot checks.

Require healthy alternatives to ice cream, like no fat ice cream, no sugar ice cream, no fat yoghurt, twizzlers and gummy bears.

Post the nutritional information on the side of the truck in bold letters.

Don't forget to include the paletta vendors.  Some of those palletas are full of cream stuff.

Apply all of these regulations to food trucks serving dessert, playing non-Pandora music, or just making noise.

Children under the age of 18 will need a letter from their parents certifying which ice cream items can be purchased by their child.  It must be of recent date and acknowledge the deleterious health effects of an ice cream truck meal.

Bill Marvel
Bill Marvel

Whatever happened to the cigaret vendors trucks they used to have when I was a kid?

Cliffhanger
Cliffhanger

You can arrange delivery of certain smokables in my hood, but you have to call the vendor's pager first.

biff
biff

Turns out matches and gasoline don't mix. Who knew.

mikeylikesit
mikeylikesit

How about somebody gets an Ice Cream truck and drives through all the flowers at the Arboretum playing Pop Goes the Weasel?

LibtardLibtardLibtardLibtard
LibtardLibtardLibtardLibtard

I just had the most amazing experence. I re-read Shitze's little article here I realized how completely right he is about everything what a knuckle-dragging whitetard I have been all my life. I renounce all of my past comments and hereby pledge the rest of my life to service as a faithful disciple of the Word According to Shitze. And guess what else? I have a secret crush on Michelle Obama.

Mike
Mike

That picture in the DMN is some guy selling ice cream out of his van. The real vendors bring their trucks each night to our neighborhood to a lot across the street from my building and look more professional. Could the problem be different behaviors by fly by night operators jacking up the volume for a quick buck while the real trucks play tunes without a problem?

We cannot have open season that allows anybody to just blare a bunch a noise to get a attention. The noise that works at Fuel City during Friday Happy Hour does not belong in a neighborhood.

scottindallas
scottindallas

 isn't all this regulated by the decibel? 

mark zero (Jason)
mark zero (Jason)

People move their asses up and down the prison-echo corridors as fast as they can, hurrying from shop to shop to buy more stuff, never speaking or being spoken to by strangers.

When was the last time you went to Northpark? Last time I did, months ago, hardly anyone had purchases in their hands. Maybe you saw the persistent infestation of mall walkers? Maybe you were there early in the day, since you don't recall clusters of yoots standing around talking, etc.

Also: I think it's a crime that elote carts aren't being invited to food truck gatherings. Just had to toss that in.

Montemalone
Montemalone

 Yoots?Was that two yoots?

Next time you're in this court, wear a suit.

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

When I lived in Kansas City for a little while(a few moons ago), the neighborhood ice cream man's truck, had a hole cut out the top of it with a bell attached to a string; he'd have one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the string, ringing that bell as he made the blocks....ding-a-linga-ding, ding-a-linga-ding!

Bill Marvel
Bill Marvel

Swear to God, Jim. You could write about pocket lint and get 58 responses, four of them fairly intelligent. 

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

I swear to God that you think way too highly of your contributions to this site. Now get back to smelling your farts...I wouldn't want you to miss any of its greatness!

remarkable
remarkable

This thread appears to be Bill's coming out of his anti-blog, Belo retiree closet into an orgiastic embrace of the satanic alternative to his more familiar letters to the editor, letters signed with real names, by God, never mind that no creature natural enough to sport a navel was ever actually born a "Marvel". Although I did lose some money to a John Superduper at a booth at the State Fair once.

Seems Bill can only putter about at only so much ghost writing and pitching Belo on only so many rip-roaring reviews of octagenarian shindigs before that debilitating loneliness sets in, so here he is, reinterpreting Christopher Plummer's Hal Fields character from Beginners in the brave new world (to him) of blogging.

Tear 'em up, Bill. Consider this thread your Prom.

Bill Marvel
Bill Marvel

I'd probably agree with your comment if I understood it. 

Bill Marvel
Bill Marvel

Pardon me, tranny, if I offended you. I thought the idea of a log was that anybody can throw his or her two pennies in, the more the merrier. Notice how dull it is on some of the the other blogs, where nobody ever bothers to post a comment? I notice you haven't been all that shy about diving in. .  

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

My extreme apologies to you, sir. I have an out of work ice cream vendor to help me navigate all avenues of my existence; he's my life coach. Next time I read, one of your many comments, pertaining to the intelligence of the DO posters....i'll remember it was only in jest! 

Bill Marvel
Bill Marvel

Tranny,If you took my comment literally, then what an I say? How do you manage to get from one end of this blog to the other?You do have the advantage of me. I have no idea who is the blogger behind "Libtard" and "Celebrate Divershity." I can only wish that his work on behalf of the LGBT community would consume a whole lot more of is time. 

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

You didn't offend me[as I try to hold back my tears, sniff sniff]...but to say that there are only three other fairly intelligent comments(I, of course, already figured you into the four) posting here...is dare I say, elitist? I, myself, enjoy poking fun at "Celebrate Divershitty, LibtardLibtard, and his other monikers" for I admire his awe-inspiring, courageous, and time consuming work(all volunteer, might I add) that he has done for the LGBT community. 

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

These illegal ice cream truck proprietors are secretly trying to fatten up our legal, all-american, masterfully pure white children; so they(I mean Mexico) can come in and overtake us! Stand up to these invaders, my fellow Americans(white people)! Stand up! [Dear LibtardLibtardLibtard, Celebrate Divershitty, Jim Dipschitze....was that an okay non-sensical completely fear based rant? I truly wish to learn the ways of such unfounded fear...so any pointers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!]

Cliffhanger
Cliffhanger

What would we do with all the unemployed ice cream truck drivers? They're obviously hopelessly overqualified to work for Belo.

MushMouth1
MushMouth1

I'm your ice cream man, stop me when I'm passing by.

lapedro
lapedro

 whats with?  dmn should be bankrupt by now

Hannibal Lecter
Hannibal Lecter

One or two minutes of Turkey in The Straw is a summer delight.

15-20 minutes of the same tune cranked up to 11 thirty feet away from you at TP Hill will drive you Shutze.

Alfredo
Alfredo

All we have in my neighborhood are recent immigrants pushing La Princesca pushcarts

RTGolden
RTGolden

I'd almost pay money to see Jim, or anyone else, tangle with the Ice cream guy that used to run through the apartments I lived in off Buckner.  The Mad Max of Ice Cream.  His van had expanded steel mesh over the windows, a cow-catcher of a front bumper, and cages around his sideview mirrors.

I bought ice cream from him not because of the heat, or any particular enjoyment of the product; I bought it because he knew where I lived.

Paul
Paul

 Would that be "Mad Max", "Mad Max Road Warrior" or "Mad Max Thunderdome"?

RTGolden
RTGolden

Dammit.  You caught me out.  He actually looked more like something from 'Waterworld', but I didn't want to admit to having seen that movie.

Paul
Paul

 That's OK ... Lea Thompson still grimaces when someone mentions "Howard the Duck".

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