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Categories: Schutze

SHZ_GetOffMyLawn_TitleImageV2.jpg
Dear D Magazine:

Thank you so much for nominating me for "best columnist." I can't tell you how pleased I am to be in the running. I am determined to win this thing.

Thank you for sending me instructions on how to get votes for myself. In a recent email, you said: "People can vote once daily so please encourage your staff, family, friends, and customers to do so! You can direct them to dmagazine.com/bestofbigd2012 or just dmagazine.com."

Really??!!! They can vote for me every day? What a great idea. And you even sent me a "button" I could install on my webpage to send my friends and family to the voting booth for me and you told me how my friends and family can vote for me on their telephones.
Believe me, I made sure both my friend and my family were up to speed on these procedures. Is there any way I can check with you to make sure they're doing it? Let me tell you something: There is going to be hell to pay around the old homestead if anybody is being laggardly.

dr_ kildare.jpg
Jim Schutze, contemplating his next column. "Hmm, maybe something about that Trinity toll road. ... I bet it still sucks."
But here is why I am writing to you today. That's just three votes per day. Small family, unfortunately. I am worried it won't be enough. Even faithful, diligent, daily voting for me by both my friends and family between now and the end of voting on May 6 doesn't seem like enough to carry me over on election day.

For some reason, you also nominated Alice Laussade, the Cheap Bastard columnist at the Observer. Jeez! Why??? Not to whine, but that was just so unfair. Talk about stacking the deck against me. People love her. Not to make excuses, but I'm not exactly in the love-me business, am I? So it just seems to me like maybe somebody has his little ruby-ringed pinkie finger maybe on the scales a little bit. Just kidding.

So I was wondering ... oh, gosh, I hope this isn't out of line. I've been chatting with some doctor and dentist acquaintances of mine, and I was wondering if I could win this thing the old-fashioned way. By paying for it.

They were telling me about their own participation in your "best" issues of the magazine, like "Best Surgeon" and "Best Periodontist," stuff like that. And don't worry: I get how it's done. They told me that one does not just call up D Magazine and offer to pay a bribe to win. Puleeeze! What do I look like, an oaf? I would never do that.

But they do tell me I might be able to sort of nudge things in my direction if I were to offer to purchase an advertisement for myself in the issue. Not a bribe at all. Just a little adsy-wadsy.

I'd like to do that. I'm all in for this thing. I will take out a loan if necessary. I want it that bad.
I would like to purchase a big adsy-wadsy, though. A full page "spread," I believe you call it. I have been perusing some of the best doctor winners, and I would like my ad to look like theirs.

I see myself in a pastel surgical scrub shirt with a deep V-neck. I might even do a little merkin-type deal up on my chest to make myself look a bit more bushy. Definitely I want to do some serious black hair dye, eyebrows very much included.

We might also do a bit of possible air-brushing so I don't look like I have tiny almost invisible premature wrinkles from being too smart. Might do another merkin on the head.

Thinking out loud here.

I may want to play around with my name a bit. Things have changed so much culturally in terms of whom we admire. Nowadays, an old American German-immigrant-sounding name like mine just makes me sound like a gap-toothed hillbilly. I might want to go with something that has more of an Eastern European resonance. I'm thinking something more like Omar ("Jimmy") Sutcqzu. Would that be legal?

I would also like to have some hot babes in the background. I have been instructed in the very sternest tones possible -- wow, some people just need to relax, don't they? -- not to broach this matter again with any of my female colleagues. So I wondered if you would be able to offer me some professional help. How much do those young Park Cities women you use in your pictures charge by the hour?

I'm working on a slogan. Right now I'm looking at: OMAR ("JIMMY") SUTCQZU -- BRINGING YOU THE COLUMNS THAT WILL MAKE YOU RICH IF YOU READ THEM.

What do you think? Pushy? I'm workin' on it.

The main thing is, I am really really pumped about this whole deal. I swear to you: I am in this thing 'til the last dog dies. I got that from Bill Clinton. This kid is stoked to win. Gimme that ad! That SPREAD! Alice Laussade will never know what rolled over her like a steamroller that flattens people.

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60 comments
Love me. Beat me
Love me. Beat me

I understand why talentless wannabe's beg but don't get why sane business owners and non profit organizations give free advertising to D Magazine, to their client lists. Friends who ask to vote for them is the equivalent of being asked to attend an Amway, Shacklee, Arbonne, Herbalife or Nu Skin Party. I don't want to know what Nu Skin is but no doubt Tim Rogers, uses it.

Cujo
Cujo

Don't forget to vote for JWP over Angela hunt for best local politician or all you white people can go to hell. 

Observer Advertiser
Observer Advertiser

As someone who purchases advertising for a local business in the Observer and who has won in multiple "categories" invented by Observer Staff, and then "sold" ads right after the supposed "win", I'm not sure where Jim is going with all this. In fact, I'm unsure his hatred for D. I hate Tim just as much as the next Dallasite, but as for the voting in these Best Of issues, I haven't seen the same proof that Jim's Dr sources tell him. 

For years, I've received emails telling me how to tell customers to vote for us, and all the other stickers and posters that go with it. Of course, I've gotten the EXACT same stuff from the Observer, including the nifty speakers I was able to give away to staff a few years back. Never got anything that cool from D. In both Observer AND D Magazine voting, my company has won in Editors Choice, but not many times in reader votes in either place. None in D in fact, which you would think we would since they have been trying to sell us ads for years, only to tell them we couldn't afford it year after year. This year, the company that usually wins in our category in D wasn't even nominated and they are the only ones who actually advertise in D.  I'm thinking D listened to other shops in our category, who complained that this particular place wasn't local, but rather had locations in other cities, and changed some rules to make it more fair to LOCAL companies. So it seems pretty fair so far to me. 

Even though we never purchase ads, D has still been very kind to us, a local Dallas business. Just as the Observer has. When I talk to people about D Magazine, and I'm told how much they hate the magazine, I ask if they've picked up an issue lately, they always say no. So again, I'm confused about the competition. Especially since D and Observer are both so different and hardly share an audience. It seems that in such a big city, in an industry that is failing, you could be helping each other instead of wasting the energy on killing each other on line. That's my pollyanna line for the day, thank you.

We have to remember that BOTH Observer and D are businesses first and foremost. I don't think Wick or Village Voice Media are giving us great writing just b/c they feel like it. I know there is a separation of editorial and advertising (and yes, that separation exists at D, as I have tried my best to exploit it over there, too, just like I tried at other pubs), but I think Jim would better himself by being reminded of this...he gets a paycheck and it's because of loyal readers. As long as you all are commenting on his posts, Observer sales staff can sell the side bar ads. I know to be a fact, because someone from the Observer calls me monthly to try and increase my ad space online, which we don't do. All in all, as a local advertiser in multiple publications in Dallas, I've never felt jilted by any of the publications themselves, but as for the voting, I sometimes feel let down by the readers lack of votes for us. But maybe that's because we know that whoever wins doesn't really, actually matter and we don't make everyone vote for us like we should. We're still in business and thriving even in this economy so I guess the "win" really doesn't matter. Jim, you seem like a decent person, but your obsession with D is becoming repetative. I'm thinking you could use your talents best elsewhere. 

primi timpano
primi timpano

Rogers is full of shit.  So all of these doctors/lawyers/brokers just happen to buy real nice ads for their particular "best of" issue?  And the big winners just happen to have the big ads?  So Mr. Rogers, why don't you explain your selection methodology?

Is it peer references?  How much does pediatrician X really know about pediatrician Y's practice and abilities?  Do you use any kind of statistical analysis?  Are these results no better than a reader's poll?

For surgeons, do you try to investigate outcomes?  Check the court records for malpractice claims?  Visit with former patients?

Aside from the problems associated with word of mouth, gossip laced polls, there remains the strange coincidence of nominated doctors placing ads for the best of issue.  These rankings are a bad joke because there are a lot of duped patients relying on them.

Anyway, I ask again, how does D Mag select these best of the best, and how can there be some many bests?

Presto
Presto

"Inch rate"?  Are we rating your dick?

Yomama
Yomama

D Magazine is the premeier Stepford gossip rag, so any nomination from them is flattering.

Chris Danger
Chris Danger

Jim, if anyone deserves a reward for working at this rag, its you and alice. But, as its D magazine, its just a park cities circle jerk to make themselves feel important..

Tom L
Tom L

Where's the webpage button? I like clicking buttons. Clicky clicky clicky. I don't really care what it's about, I just want to click the button.

Leroy Jenkem
Leroy Jenkem

So...a quick question. Considering that the whole "vote early and often" routine is to amp up the hit counts over at D-Sucker, how much would D charge to prevent your business or venue from ever getting nominated for a "Best Of" award? Alternately, has anyone over there considered the tremendous revenues that could be made by skipping the endless "Best of" pud-pulls and simply auctioning the opportunity to punch Tim Rogers in the face for an hour?

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

Via one of D Magazines most generous advertisers, General Electric, this whole "hooly booling" could be ended quite abruptly and as i've heard "atomically"....and don't forget GE's wonderful air pollution and toxic waste record. Heck! GE, can eliminate this whole underage sex trafficking thing in one swell swoop! Or do I mean....KABOOM!

JimS
JimS

This afternoon I have had the following email exchange with D: Jim:

Please give me the name of the doctors that have told you they pay to be on the list. They are mistaken, and I'd like to explain to them how the process works.

If you won't give me the names (and I promise to be very civil when I call them), I will assume you made that up. Tim RogersEditorD Magazine750 N. St. Paul St., Ste. 2100Dallas, TX 75201

Tim:This is the pattern reported to me over a period of years. The nominee is informed of his/her nomination. Days later, a communication arrives in the office mail or a pitch is made over the phone that looks or sounds kind of like an invoice. A less than bright office manager might even take it for that. In fact it is an invitation to advertise in the issue.It is entirely the assumption of the people telling me these tales that their candidacy might be aided by the purchase of an ad. But it's an assumption that would occur to any person of reasonable intelligence.How far do you want t go with this line of inquiry?Jim.

Tim Rogers
Tim Rogers

I sent Jim a note asking for the names of doctors who have told him that they get on our list by buying an ad. If a doctor told Jim that, then the doctor doesn't understand our process. I would appreciate the opportunity to explain it to him.

If Jim doesn't give me at least one name, I will assume he is making up this stuff.

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

Tim Rogers is a PR genius.  A masculine man.  Very rich and accepted by high society.  Yet he can get down and dirty with the rest of us cause he is so damn humble.  He can play flag football with the boys during the day and attend the opening of an opera at night.He is a man's man and a woman's man and that is why the city of Dallas loves him so much.

towski
towski

Maybe, instead of buying votes the D Magazine way, Ala "Best Doctor" or "Best Lawyer", you could advertise for votes the Dallas Observer way, on backpage.com, Ala "Best Underage Sex Trafficking Victim." That's sure to drum up the votes.

primi timpano
primi timpano

I'd go for a different look.  Definitely at your desk with a manual typewriter.  I know some models are cooler than others but I have no idea how to rate typewriter coolness so rent a cool one with a well known rep--something that Hemingway or Hunter Thompson would have used.  Either open collared with sleeves rolled up to give that 'I am working hard day and night trying to beat the linotype deadline or scoop the NYTimes, or go Woodward, with pressed shirt, expensive professorial sport coat, maybe even worn leather elbows.  Don't know about whether an ashtray of butts or a pipe makes sense.  Walls should have well framed well recognized awards--someone else's pulitzers (hell, you can buy someone else's gold records) and Framed famous headlines--Kennedy assasination, pentagon papers, watergate--the big stuff.  A few photoshopped pics with Clinton, Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Obama, Boone Pickens, Darrell Royall, Willie Nelson, etc.  should also be seen and recognizable. An extremely beautiful young woman dressed to look really smart (expensive glasses, sexy suit, but a suit, and a well recognized highend brand) but with ample breasts and a low cut open shirt should be bending beside you pointing something out which is of obvious great importance.  Definitely get the the decolletage front and center.

The scrubs might be more profitable--I suggest a laying on hands mantra based holistic practice as opposed to carving knives--but why not both?  Jim Schutze--ace reporter by night, medical miracle worker by day?

Grocerysack
Grocerysack

The rating sweeps are calculated four times per year.  Not surprisingly, these idiot contests are centered around those times. When ratings are counted, It boosts the numbers even if they are false, which D and the rest use to set their rates and brag on line. It's not complicated! In 2011-2012 the dates are October 27 - November 23, 2011, February 2 - February 29, 2012, April 26 - May 23, 2012, and June 28 - July 25, 2012.

leftocenter
leftocenter

Gracious reply Jim...silly me thought you were just being humorous about the whole get-the-vote-out-and-here's-how thing.  Dang, and I chuckled for no reason -- I hate it when that happens.

That said, I picture you looking more like Colonel Potter than young Doctor Kildare in your ad.

JimS
JimS

Many excellent points.

primi timpano
primi timpano

 I prefer to measure metrically using millimeters.  Not only is it more accurate (smaller interpolation gaps) but it makes things appear larger.

JimS
JimS

You mention me and Alice as if we are equal in your mind. I guess that's OK, but would you mind voting a little extra for me since I'll be dead sooner? 

JimS
JimS

Sadly, I lack my own webage on which to install it, and I don't want to put myself on any thinner ice around here than I am already by discussing it with management.

Perry Moore
Perry Moore

And you wonder why we vote for Ms. Food Bitch over you. Where is the passion? It's as if you were trying to be civil, and the man is calling you out. Now, get back on that word processor and show me some diatribe.

JS
JS

So by your own admission, your research has shown that the nomination takes place prior to the solicitation for advertising. Doesn't this rebut your entire premise of pay to play? Unless a doctor or lawyer refused to advertise and then was not named in the Best of issue, the award comes before the payment, not after.

Leroy Jenkem
Leroy Jenkem

Oh, he'll be civil when he calls them. They'll just learn, like the DISD, that they should acquiesce if they know what's good for them. Oh, and they'll learn that the conversation was recorded without their permission, and it'll be printed if they complain.

leftocenter
leftocenter

When interviewing brainiac surgeons, TWO different docs made a point of telling me they never pay to get into D mag -- they get there without paying for it.  Why would they feel the need to clear that up to distinguish themselves from other D Mag "best docs?"

Chris Danger
Chris Danger

So, tim, what happened w/ you and Craig "Jr". Miller, inquiring minds would love to know..Also, do you talk to Yvonne anymore?

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

If you have seen an ad for The Human Centipede, then you can understand how they swing over at D Baggers. Question....How often do you visit an establishment and see that D marketing sign....D BEST OF?   Everyday.How often do you hear some discuss or quote something they read in D Magazine?Never.One the other hand, if you see Robert Jeffress on the cover of a magazine, one can pretty much assume that the shit they are selling is NOT the shit you are buying. 

Perry Moore
Perry Moore

Hell, Mr. Rogers, Mr. Schutze's regular readers assume that the stuff that isn't fabricated is highly exaggerated. It's his strange little world that fascinates us, not his grasp of reality. Pardon me now, I'm off to vote for Ms. Food Bitch.

Doppleganger
Doppleganger

TimmyTyper,Would it not be easier to ask for their license plate numbers so that you can put them in danger like that poor litterbug girl you outed? BTW, were you disciplined by Wick for that embarrassment, and what was Hayes and Boone's opinion on the criminality of using Public Data for such a transgression?

Perry Moore
Perry Moore

Is that a Tim Rogers toy, or did you just back into a D Magazine doorknob?

Trajan
Trajan

Best comment so far

Daily Reader
Daily Reader

The visor, you forgot the green tinted shad visor.

greg.marcy.dagama
greg.marcy.dagama

I.love.Jim.He.is.so.full.of.it.and.funny,too.my.keyboard.is.broken.-like.jim's.head.anyway.you.are.the.best.and.the.funniest.and.that.food.writer.sucks.she.always.curses.have.a.nice.day.schutzeeeee.

primi timpano
primi timpano

 I don't know.  She eats like a champ.  DO should be checking her cholesterol and liver functions regularly.  She takes more chances than a pro hockey player without a helmet.

Weezwas
Weezwas

 Not so sure about that, Jim. Have you seen where and what that woman eats?! Even her, relative, youth may not be enough to keep her from sliding across the finish line first, leaving a "frothy mixture" old frying oil and e.coli bacteria in her wake.

Chris Danger
Chris Danger

Hahaha, I will, i'll also suggest my viewers on the show do that as well ;)

JimS
JimS

Yes. No. Not quite. I have never heard of anyone offering to buy an ad in D and then getting nominated. The nomination does come first, and I think it's always unsolicited.  Then the pitch. Then the election. Then publication.I'm also quite sure our own ad people pay visits to people after they have been included  (published) in our own Best Of edition. They'd be pretty dumb not to.Here's the difference: As long as I have been here, our ad people don't even know which businesses we're looking at, discussing in  meetings or doing reporting on until after our edition comes out. Look, half the people out there aren;t 100 percent sure about between an ad and a story anyway. You have to kind of bend over backward to make sure they don't get even more confused.Now go back to the scenario at the top: 1)Nomination, 2) Ad pitch, 3) Election. It's almost like you're trying to confuse them, isn't it?

towski
towski

Jack, not to quibble, but if you spend any time in the Arts District, Tim's article on Museum Tower is pretty much all anyone is talking about.

billmarvel
billmarvel

He outed a litterbug?? Where can I send him a check?

JimS
JimS

Is that an offer?

JS
JS

Perhaps I am dense (the wife would leave out the perhaps), but I do not see anywhere in the "scenario at the top" that the election comes after the ad pitch. My understanding of D's process for at least the "professional" lists is in fact that the ad pitch comes after the list is composed -- the ad reps then contact the people on the list. As for your rhetorical question "It's almost like you're trying to confuse them, isn't it?," I am not employed by D Magazine but have commented on their blog and yours for several years using the same "JS" name. It's almost like you're trying to confuse people by implying something that's not true while ignoring the gap in your own analysis, isn't it?

towski
towski

I would love to see your ad reps trying to schedule sales meetings with pimps.

billmarvel
billmarvel

Bob,Where did you get "more noble and less harmful" out of my comment? I called it a draw.

Sa
Sa

Jim - The Dallas Public Library probably has that hard copy.  Or maybe they can find the special ed. online.

Bob
Bob

So driving our city into the ground vis-a-vis commercial development, stuffing ballot boxes and paying off churches is more noble and less harmful to the City of Dallas? Tell me another one of your tales, Grandpa Marvel.

billmarvel
billmarvel

Okay, JimS. They take ads for construction and engineering firms involved in a project they publicise; you take ads from postitutes and pimps.I call it a draw. 

JimS
JimS

And really, this is the more benign aspect of the D Magazine advertising strategy. I wish I still had a hardcopy of their 12/1/2004 special edition on how great the Trinity River Toll Road will be.http://www.dmagazine.com/Issue...Then I could go through and count up all of the ads from Halff and Associates and all the other construction, engineering and architectural firms D bled for this shameless exercise in advertorial propaganda. Talk about pay to play.   

towski
towski

No, I work at DTC. In the elevators, by the food trucks, in the opera parking garage. It's a big topic.

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

towski.....who?  other people at D magazine?  sheesh.

RTGolden
RTGolden

I kinda liked shad visor.  And, I can totally see Schutze fishing for shad with a nifty little Woodsy Owl logo'd visor on.

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