Feel the Schutze, Be the Schutze ... and Win Two Tickets to Iron Fork

Categories: Schutze

shz blank.jpg
WE HAVE A WINNER: While several commenters captured the tone and tenor of a Schutze -- Beck, Grumpy Demo, Michael MacNaughton and Jpgreenan are clearly HUGE fans -- we can have only one winner, and the Iron Fork tickets go to ... dfw75208.

Big round of applause, everyone. We're sure that Jim's proud and happy to see the love that you all share. Or maybe he's gonna get really pissed and stay in the woods, in which case some of you have a leg up on a sweet job that provides all the free pens you can steal, a desk and lots of abuse.

dfw75208, drop a line to patrick.williams@dallasobserver.com and once we use the magic of the Internet to verify you are, um, you, we'll arrange to get you those tickets. Enjoy.

Thanks for playing everyone.


Jim Schutze is off to the wilds for a little rest and relaxation the next week -- a trip that he says involves "camping" and "canoeing" and not, as far we know, "Thorazine."

Sure. Whatever. Sadly, that means his loyal commenters on Unfair Park won't have his Get Off My Lawn to chew over -- and up -- for the next few days. Now, we love, love, love all our commenters here on Unfair Park, so rather than have you all suffering acute Schutze withdrawal, we decided to soothe your Jim-jonesing with a chance to win two free VIP tickets to the Observer's Iron Fork competition, which takes place May 8 at the Fashion Industry Gallery, 1807 Ross Ave.

That means free food and drink from local restaurants plus a gift bag and all the other fine things being a VIP brings you and a guest.

So, how do you win?

Easy. In the comments to this post, give us your best Schutze parody. It doesn't have to be long -- a couple of sentences or a paragraph will do it -- but it has to sound Schutzian. (References to Detroit are optional.)

Around 4 o'clock today, the editors will pick the one comment we think is the most full of Schutze and award the ducats.

Ready? Then take your shot, Lawn fans. If you need a little inspiration, here's a link to today's New York Times.

IronFork_865x380.jpg



Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help
35 comments
Cheap New York Yankees Tickets
Cheap New York Yankees Tickets

There are lots of lucky people in this world but no one an achieve this biggest achievements so guys keep it up nice work.

claytonauger
claytonauger

It's a little late, but I think you ought to give it to Raymond Crawford and Downwinders at Risk for raising hell in their own blogs about the shilling the DMN Real Estate reporter did for Lucy Billingsley in Friday's edition, i.e. never mentioning that a brand new "econ-development" by North Lake was also a gas field, with well pads located directly across the street from two schools. They rode this so hard for the whle day that by the end of the day the DMN had to post a supplemental front page piece on the fact that indeed Lucy's big project was a gas field being developed for permitting. They were doing Schutze's job for y'all. The Observer had this same information and reported nothing. Come on. Your nemesis steps in it big time and you have no comment?

mynameisURL
mynameisURL

*grumble* Bridge *grumble* City Hall *grumble* Ferris Wheel *grumble* Convention Center *grumble* Farmers Market *grumble* East Dallas *grumble* Park Cities *grumble* Fair Park *grumble* Toll Road *grumble* Trinity River *Grumble* DMN Belo *grumble* Plastic Water Bottles *grumble* DART *grumble* Downtown *grumble* Uptown *grumble* DISD *grumble* Suburbs *grumble...............*

Jim Schutze
Jim Schutze

So you guys know you just gave the tickets to Robert, right?

Sa
Sa

Not an entry because I lack writing talent & I'm too late. Just some random thoughts.

It occurs to me that camping and Thorazine aren't necessarily incompatible although canoeing and Thorazine probably are.

Also, how about a Shadow Jim With The Hatcam For A Day contest?  And maybe there's some way to include the demon dogs.

susan G.
susan G.

The Calamari blows..JWP is a time waste ass-hole....bike trails, frankly Who Cares...City Hall blah..blah..blah...

Mickister
Mickister

There's a war going on right now.  It's a war being fought in my mind.  Detroit vs. Dallas.  I have to tell you the truth, pal.  Dallas ain't winning.

Let's look at the facts.  Better yet.  Let's look at the facts, let me spin them, then watch as I get pissed off in the comment section as you try to unspin them.

Among major metropolitan areas, DFW is experiencing the largest population growth in the country.  By comparison, Detroit has the most folks leaving.  Certain people will try to say that means people don't want to live in Detroit and that people do want to live in Dallas.  Those certain people are known as racists.

Detroit 1, Dallas (aka "Racists") 0.

Detroit also routinely ranks in the top five in violent crime rates.  Dallas doesn't.  However, Memphis has a high crime rate, also.  They listen to country music in Memphis.  They listen to country music in Dallas.  Country music is unpatriotic, undermines the legacy of FDR, and eventually will lead to Dallas having worse crime statistics than Detroit. 

Detroit (aka Eminem and Kid Rock) 2, Dallas (aka Vanilla Ice and Country Music Racists) 0.

And what about corruption, you illiterate, snot-nosed...I mean, loyal readers ask?  Former Mayor of Detroit Kwame Kilpatrick spent time in a federal prison for corruption and still faces more federal charges.  But he currently lives in the Dallas area.

Detroit, cleaning itself up, 3.  Dallas, harboring federal criminals, 0.

Look at Detroit's sports scene as well, assholes.  DFW was recognized by The Sporting News as the best sports area in the country.  But when we dig deeper, we see that the best fight Dallas ever managed was Nolan Ryan (noted unpatriotic, racist hillbilly) beating up Robin Ventura, a pacifist/philanthropist.  Detroit had the Malice at the Palace.  That was a much bigger deal.  It was a riot.  A riot that shows how passionate Detroit is about sports.

Detroit 4, Dallas 0.

While Dallas thinks it is more diverse than Detroit because of its influx of Hispanics, look at Detroit.  Illegal immigrant Hispanics can only claim to love America so much that they would risk their lives to live among you racists.  The Detroit area is home to the largest Muslim community in America.  Muslim Americans are patriots.  They choose to live in Detroit because it reminds them of their homes in Fallujah, Kandahar, and Mogadishu.  They are far more patriotic than the Dallas area.  Do you think they would let the terrorist George W. Bush to watch baseball games in their hometown every single afternoon without doing anything about it?

Detroit 5, Dallas 0.

Some of you, desperate for any argument at all, will now fall back on the tired argument that Detroit's major businesses were bailed out by the federal government.  Well guess what, you xenophobic, uneducated buffoons?  Going all the way back to FDR (the REAL Jesus), everything that has been touched by federal dollars inside our shores has been a success.  Look at all the positive press the federal government is getting right now for agencies like the GSA, which is spending money to keep its employees happy while Dallas-area private sector corporations like American Airlines go bankrupt.

Detroit 6, Dallas 0.

I could go on.  Detroit gave the world Michael Moore.  Dallas took from the world JFK.

Okay, let the trolling, falsehoods, and defamation from you white trash brats begin.    

Max from the Sandspit
Max from the Sandspit

Jim you've earned it so please enjoy it. Shag a copy of Sam Gwynne's book "Empire of the Summer Sun". In my opinion it's the best book on Texas history yet written.

Grumpy Demo
Grumpy Demo

Blah, blah, blah (story about growing up in Detroit/working at The Dallas Times Herald/living in East Dallas neighborhood in the "old days").

Blah, blah, blah, (something about wife's chickens/dogs/kids) blah, blah, blah, (factual summary of issue either levees, parks, JWP, Dallas' institutional racism, DPD incompetence, DISD fraud, Perots, or Tim Rodgers. All stories DMN  and D would never touch).

Blah, blah, blah, (no comment from City Hall, JWP, Perots, The DMN, etc.) blah, blah, blah, (how this is just like growing up in Detroit/working at The Dallas Times Herald/living in East Dallas/wife's dogs).

Blah, blah, blah, (snarky closing with hook at end).

BONUS (typical comments)

Goober racist: Blah, blah, blah, "liberal white guilt" blah, blah, blah, "All Black/Mexicans/Mooslims hate whites and want to kill us, date our daughters, or live on welfare." Blah, blah, blah, "people who're not white are the real racists."

Gramar Nazi: Blah, blah, blah, "third line fourth word misspelled" blah, blah, blah, "not writing that I would expect" blah, blah, blah "poor writing," blah, blah, blah, (Not shown kisses Sixth Grade Spelling bee trophy.)

Goober Lakewooder: Blah, blah, blah, "liberal media" blah, blah, blah, "who cares what NYT/Yankees/scientists/historians/informed writers' think" blah, blah, blah, "liberal media" blah, "liberal media" blah, blah, blah.

JimS: Pointed response, with witty coda.

Grumpy Demo: Blah, blah, blah, (bad joke) blah, blah, blah, (not funny snark) blah, blah, blah, (half ass self deprecating closing comment).

Not shown: Tim Rodgers cries, writes bitchy blog posts about the DO or Schutze or both for next six months.

Jpgreenan
Jpgreenan

It hurts me to say this, but I have got to say something good about employees of the City of Dallas. Well, just one employee and it turns out he wasn't really from Dallas. He grew up in Detroit, but it still hurts.

I've planning for months to find out the real story on the Channel of Death around the Standing Wave. Tired of getting the run around down at Marilla, I set out with my hat cam and the wife's dog to see if a real Michigan-born canoeist could survive the Channel of Death.

Just as I crossed Singleton, a DPD officer stopped me. Officer Axel Foley said I had a taillight out. He started to write out a ticket, but then he stopped and said I looked familar to him.

I told him maybe he knew me from my work as a journalist, or an author, or the upholder of the right, but he said no, you're the kid I stuffed in the locker back in junior high in Detroit. He said I've always felt bad about that, so I'm going to let you off with a warning.

I headed on down to the Standing Wave, but by the time I got there I'd been scooped. The Damned Morning News had sent Wilonsky to test the Channel of Death and he was already on the water. Now Wilonsky can't handle any boat that isn't large enough to hold a margarita machine, so this wasn't going be pretty. I fired the hat cam up as he shot around the corner. Sure enough over he goes and the whirlpool trapped him. The hatcam finally ran out of film so left for home with Wilonsky still spinning around like the soul of Abraham Linclon looking at the current Republican party.

Anyway, if Officer Foley hadn't stopped me, that would have been me and I wouldn't have the video. So the next  time someone says Dallas can't do anything World Class, I'm just going to tell them about Officer Foley and show the video of Wilonsky and the Channel of Death.

Bayonnejohnny
Bayonnejohnny

I believe the Dallas city council is trying to build a river along the Dallas Toll Road so that the Dallas Citizen's Council can use the river to dispose of their gargbage downstream at the site of the proposed inland Port of Dallas. For that reason I am taking my canoe to the grassy knoll.

Michael MacNaughton
Michael MacNaughton

I just want to make sure you know what you're getting into if you count on the Dallas Visitors and Convention Bureau to tell you what makes Dallas a 'World Class City". It's not that they don't make an effort, it's that you have to deal with decades of self-delusion.

You may recall that I touched upon this same topic barely 3 days ago and (here) and (here) and (here) and you were able to offer retorts every bit as lame as my original assessment.

According to what I can see at the CVB, visitors are exposed to a city that models itself after its slogan, "Live large. Think Big.(TM)" Finally we have been proclaimed "world class" at something. "Dallas has a new look that is our world-class shopping. From high-end boutiques and malls to the eclectic vintage shopping, we have a look for you." What? To be world class we need a new look that can only be purchased here? Who knows how they even came up with that quote? Are they crazy the way I think my own family is crazy to put up with me?

I am going to say something positive about the Dallas. You're screwed. You're totally screwed. Any city tourist bureau that has the gall to accuse us of being small-minded and to spout the obviously official dogma "Think Big" is pandering to the philanthropic community wishing to enrich the hoity-toity at the expense of hoi polloi. It's not just me. I am even comforted, in a strange way, by the fact that I "Live Large". What can be become more expansive than a canoe trip down the Trinity? The CVB states that our "pioneering spirit is alive and well". I agree, especially after a hard rain and our antiquated water drainage system.

The New York Times, has a fascinating piece on the op-ed page today about my own alma mater -- the city of Detroit. I've said before (here) that I have survivor syndrome: Why did I deserve to leave Detroit when others never made it out? Detroit is 83 percent African-American. I always think there's another set of numbers we need for context, not just a short op-ed piece in the Times. I expect racists to start painting a picture of Dallas' mainly white suburbs creating exclusivity with their "World Class Shopping" as other people see Detroit as a mainly black city in a ditch.

While my wife was ferrying the chickens to a more modern split-level coop, I hiked up to our ridiculously prosperous northern cousins in Collin County. The economic growth, unrestricted by the likes of council members Angela Hunt and Scott Griggs' charging developers for the amount of new flooding they cause, has created a veritable garden that Persephone, the Greek vegetation goddess, would admire.

Collin County may appear as a mystical divine entity but remember that she was often depicted as being carried off by Hades. Who is living larger now?

http://www.visitdallas.com/vis...

Steven Gangstead
Steven Gangstead

I'm paddling beneath the Calamari bridge and on down towards Houston with the sewage and pigs blood a crazy thought occurred to me.  I get passed the standing wave of death and what do I find after Dallas?  Linear parks.  As far as I can go there are linear parks and no one wants to build toll ways over them.  My list of world classier cities than Dallas just grew.

World linear park class.

Gun Barrel City and Trinidad are right up with Detroit and Mexico City for out world classing Dallas. What about farmer's markets?  Stay tuned for the hat cam footage.  You'll see exactly how many peaches they put in the basket and what my dogs look like sitting in a canoe.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

Being Jim

I dont hate dogs, I promise.  Just my wife's dog.  I dont hate bridges either, just our Italian steel fake suspension bridge named for rich people who have more money than me.  I also dont hate streets just dallas' potholed streets, specifically mine.  In detroit we didnt have potholes, our gravel roads were far better these things our city leaders call streets.  I also dont hate south Dallas blask activists, I just haet JWP because he looks so good in that pink leopard underwear photo and he gets more equity from Dallasites than I get in VVM.  On that note, Im out.  Gone for a week of freedom of kayaking canoeing and hiking in a real state, the backwoods of Arkansas, maybe Ill even run into Kergo. Dont hate me bacause you are not me.  So stay here, be militant in the comments, and give Joe Tone hell. 

S Aten
S Aten

I think Jim would have written about the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic & how Dallas is like the Titanic before it sank with a rigid class structure where the rich run the show & the poor know their place left behind with a sinking ship while the wealthy & middle income get a chance at a life boat.

Of course Dallas is not the Titanic but we have serious problems with a challenged school system, a disfunctional political system and a large undereducated lower class with fewer chances of escaping from poverty & despair.    The rich have the Park Cities, the middle class can move to the suburbs and the poor are left to the pay the bills.  Those bills include the toys of the rich such as more string bridges, deck parks and the looming threat of the Trinity Tollroad which will consume untold sums of money like an iceberg.

Montemalone
Montemalone

Unfair Parkers, or Parkies, if you're still suffering blown eardrums from the hullabaloo fireworks extravaganza the other evenng, let me address the latest and greatest right wingnut free market is good regulation is to blame for everything-bad-in-the-world diatribe gracing the Opinion page of today's Wall Street Journal, that beacon of enlightenment for those so inclined to read it.One Chris Berg . from Australia of all places, has decreed that it wasn't an iceberg that sank the Titanic, which tragically went down 100 years ago this weekend, but rather GOVERNMENT REGULATION. I shit you not. It was the British government Board of Trade that doomed those passengers to an icy death. They had the gall to only mandate 16 lifeboats on ships above 10,000 metric tonnes (11.023 US tons), and White Star's unsinkable, indestructable, state-of-the-art liner, at 46,238 tonnes, thought the they'd stick to the minimum rather than 48 as proposed by Alexander Carlisle, managing director of the shipyard building the ship.So, Mr Berg blames regulation, saying the regulators failed to regulate enough. And here I thought the free market would solve all problems on its own. Remember this the next time you decide to set sail for a 3 hour cruise and the captain drives into the rocks. It's not his fault, its the government.Oh, I think this explains while we're still waiting for our solar powered water taxis.

JimS
JimS

Why am I handsome and virtuous? Don't ask me, ass-hole.

DowntownResident
DowntownResident

Jim Schutze in 1998, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claimJim Schutze in 1999, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim Jim Schutze in 2000, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim Jim Schutze in 2001, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2002, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2003, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2004, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2005, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2006, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2007, Tom "I'm comfortable" Leppert is a liar, the DMN suppressed the true cost of the Trinity River Project until after the electionJim Schutze in 2008, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2009, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2010, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2011, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  Jim Schutze in 2012, the Trinity River Project is going to cost more than the city leaders claim  

Beck
Beck

Look, it really is a simple matter.   Thisticket giveaway isn’t about giving away tickets.  Never has been, isn’t now, and never willbe.   It really is a knife fight betweenthe people that believe tiny cocktails are the future and the people thatbelieve food sampling is our destiny.  Simpleas that.  The doubters will tell youotherwise; but hate to break it to you kemosabe, this old cowboy is telling thetruth.  Either way, this competition isover.  I’m looking forward to somedelicious food.  Giddyup.

DeathMonkey
DeathMonkey

Hey...You... My dog Bites.  My Kid is Smart.  Racism in the form of low expectations exists, and most of what goes on behind the scenes in local government is dirty.

dfw75208
dfw75208

Look.  Let me tell you how it is.  Just stop and think for a minute.  You’ll see. I just went through a bucketful of files and the offices of people at city hall that keep such things and it’s flat-out untrue.  Just so you know:  these folks didn’t hand me the files.  The declined to take my calls.  So, I did whatever every reporter with 200 years of experience does:  I filed a  Public Information Act demand for the buckets of files.  And I got them.  All of them. What did I see?  Close your eyes and imagine the cost of this project doubling over the next five years.  Now, open your eyes and see it doubling again.  Do you see what I saw?  Run for the door, right?  No.There is more.  Avi Adelman is an asshole.  And that is a good thing. 

Ed D.
Ed D.

After too many years fighting the good fight against potholes, poor urban planning, corruption, and John Wiley Price (but I repeat myself) I'm packing my hatcam and the manual typewriter I use to write this column and leaving East Dallas. I miss Detroit with its abandoned auto plants, disintegrating malls, and crumbling infrastructure so I will pack the wife and her demon dogs into a U-Haul, head west across the new Santiago Calatrava cable-stayed bridge, and start my new life building solar-powered water taxis in south Arlington. See you in Hell, suckers.

glynnwilcox
glynnwilcox

Dear dallas Detroit you are not, your all fake, everything is corrupt, nobody cares, and frankly I need to take a nap or just wander about. While I love this city and it's people I hates that bridge and anyones that helped it!

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

Christians are idiots. JWP is a race pimp. Hat cams are cool. Give me my tickets.

RTGolden
RTGolden

A superb attempt at Schutzist views.  Only one flaw, but a fatal one.  Jim Schutze, by self-admission, knows ever so little about sports, and cares even less.  The real Schutze would count being a better sports city as a negative rather than a positive.  Thus, in your example, final score would be:

Detroit 5, Dallas -1 (to keep the points spread artificially at 6, thus allowing the gambling refugees from Sportatorium who bet against the spread to maintain their winnings).

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

I was going to suggest to Tone that who ever can re-create one of Jim S replies to a comment should get to have lunch with CoA's Cheap Bastard

Bill Holston
Bill Holston

besides being good. greenan just deserves a nice dinner out!

RTGolden
RTGolden

If this one doesn't win, hands down, the contest is rigged.

cp
cp

That is scary good...

Mickister
Mickister

 I'll try to be more observant in the future.  I should have known that sports are dead at the Observer.  Hmm, I'm probably headed toward a comment that could get me blocked.

Edog
Edog

I particularly liked the metaphor conjuring the soul of Abe Lincoln. The only problem with the metaphor is that Schutze doesn't believe people have a soul, does he?

Ed D.
Ed D.

Congrats to dfw75208! (So I manage 6 likes but no love from Joe as a runner-up? Dang.)

Now Trending

Dallas Concert Tickets

Around The Web

From the Vault

 

General

Loading...