When It Comes to Vaginal Probin', Texas's GOP Men Got the Short Shrift

Categories: Schutze

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If I were a male cowboy-boot-wearing Republican in Texas, I might feel pretty chapped right now by all the attention paid over the last week to the Virginia ultrasound bill. Talk about some limp legislation.

Yesterday those wimps in Virginia voted up a pared-down version that will allow women undergoing abortion to choose between vaginal wand sonograms of their soon-to-be-aborted fetuses and the other kind where they just rub jelly on your belly.

Not in Rick Perry's Texas, by God! When our Legislature passed its own sonogram law last spring, they tricked it up with requirements that virtually force doctors to stick a great big old plastic probe into women before an abortion procedure could proceed.

The Texas Tribune did a good piece a few days ago about how Texas has been unfairly left out of the vaginal-probe limelight. Texas does all the heavy lifting on something like this -- in this case, a better word might be thrusting -- and then gets ignored when some Eastern state like Virginia copycats us.

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'Scuse me while I whip this probe out.
Even Garnet Coleman, a Democrat from Houston, seemed piqued by the lack of spotlight for the Lone Star State. He told the online news service: "I hate to say this, but in Texas we can fight all day long, but there's a propensity to write us off. They think, 'That's Texas. Texas is a place where those things kinds of things happen.'"

But it's not just that we're Texas. I blame it on Republican men. They did a piss-poor job of marketing their accomplishments. For one thing, they kept poor-mouthing the probe itself, and the probe was, please excuse the phrase, the big thing.

They should have called it something more like the Great Dildo of Government, or, perhaps to capture the actual mood a little better, The Official Texas State Woodie.

When you pare away all of the euphemism and bore down into the true Jungian nature of all these bills, that's what we're really talking about here. Republican men believe that Big Government needs to have a great big old humungous hard-on for all women, especially the slutty poor ones.

Woven deep in the paternalism of these laws is a conviction common among a certain strain of American males that, sure, women will scream their heads off about it at first, but if you just keep jamming it in there, eventually the shrieks of "No! No! No!" will turn to shrieks of "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

We liberal Democrat men are different -- decidedly less constant -- and I can't claim it's entirely because we were born with better morals. I think it comes more from lifetimes of dealing with our own strain of women. Eventually a Democrat man comes to a certainty that screams of "No!" ignored for even a nanosecond will turn into criminal charges, but long before things get to that, those screams may turn into a brass bedside lamp right between the eyes requiring multiple stitches and serious blood loss.

I don't want to get confessional here or anything, but even more than the possibility of a stretch in the pen, it's that thing with the lamp that I might have found ... how to put it? ... deflating. Kind of instantly so. Like, "Hit me with a lamp? Where did the romance go?"

And don't think for a minute ... well, I just want to tell you one thing about this cowboy back in the day ... yeah, man ... because nobody better imply ... well, let's just move on.

Texas Republican men have set a high bar for vaginal probe laws, and Virginia, for all the hoopla, didn't even come close. That thing they passed yesterday was limp, wimped out, soft, shrunken, limp (did I say that already?), pencil-sized version of what the State Government of Texas has got between its legs.

I'm sure Texas Republicans aren't worried about it. They know women in America will come around to the Lone Star Hard eventually, because, you know what? Deep in their hearts, Texas Republican men believe that the gals always really want the bad boy.

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32 comments
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Darrylrs
Darrylrs

and directly underneath this post is an ad for men who have ED!!!

JimS
JimS

Yeah, well we happen to have a lot of Repubican male readers.

Guesto
Guesto

I see mostly women speaking out against abortion at the pro-life rallies:www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI8zcN...

What about those "cowboys" pressuring their women into having an abortion so they can continue to treat them as sex objects?

JimS
JimS

But jamming a motorized dildo up them so you can get your political jollies, that's not treating women as objects? 

Joe L
Joe L

I deeply resent your characterization of men who wear cowboy boots as Republicans.  If I were king, I would ban the sale of cowboy boots to Republicans.  Republicans who wear cowboy boots are ipso facto not real cowboys or legitimately of other subcultures who should legitimately wear cowboy boots.  Only a Yankee would not know that most men in Texas who wear cowboy boots are not Republicans.  Republicans who wear cowboy boots are typically poseurs.

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

I would love to see you go out to West Texas or East Texas or maybe up to Oklahoma and have this conversation with some of the people wearing boots.

Edward
Edward

"...especially the slutty poor ones."

You nailed it, Jim. Because that's exactly what the Republican party thinks of women who go to Planned Parenthood (for birth control or other healthcare services) or need an abortion. I'm hoping, especially after the Susan G Komen fiasco, that people will realize that Planned Parenthood (and other healthcare providers for women) don't just serve "poor sluts". 

One point that was brought up in the original Virginia case was that the government was technically requiring that a woman be raped: an object placed into a woman's vagina against her will. Of course Texas Republicans probably have a different definition.

Weezwas2001
Weezwas2001

 Of course they do, they call it "foreplay".

dt&ot
dt&ot

When we men control the wombs, we will control the support system.....maniacal laugh....

Can we change the hippocratic oath to include "Under God"?  It originally appealed to Apolloand maybe we could remove the privacy part?

Does anyone NOT believe that government intrusion (republican and democratic) into our private lives needs to be stopped?

Diana Powe
Diana Powe

And we have a winner! Rush Limbaugh calls a woman who testified about contraception "a slut": http://livewire.talkingpointsm...

Brenda Marks
Brenda Marks

His rant made absolutely no sense.  But I guess that doesn't matter to his listener. 

JimS
JimS

Strengthening my suspicion that all of this conservative Republican mysogyny and homophobia are parts of the same parcel -- some kind of really deep-running very dark personal psychic inadequacy. Who else sits around in that kind of stewing anger thinking about how other people screw?

Paul
Paul

 It pretty much made my mind up to vote for the dead possum this fall ...

Mavdog
Mavdog

Well said (or should I say "laid out?) Jim.

Perhaps we should demand a tit-for-tat from our high testosterone macho male legislators. Should they decide to move on from their wives who have borne them offspring, before a divorce is granted which would give them freedom to hook up with a new probably young 20 something filly, these men (said with little regard to the true meaning of that word for these are not real men at all) must have their ability to shoot their conceiving sperm stopped. A vasectomy for all of 'em, and in a form and manner that produces the optimum level of pain and discomfort.This modest proposal would accomplish two objectives: first it would replicate in some fashion on these cretins that which they imposed on others, and two we would all benefit if there were no more offspring produced who might end up being just as pernicious as there fathers.

Mister_Mean
Mister_Mean

They need Lorana Bobbit to administer the vasectomy.  

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

The only men who should be allowed to make decisions about a chick's lady business are gay men.  We are the only men who can look at the vagina without the need for input.

Montemalone
Montemalone

 You go ahead and look at hoohas all you want. I have better things to do with my baby blues.

JS
JS

I am pleased to announce the formation of a new beauty pageant, Miss Slutty Poor Texas. Auditions commence next week.

Jon Daniel
Jon Daniel

It's too late. North Garland High School already won

NewsDog
NewsDog

Requirements are:They must be under 18They must be pregnant with at least their second child.They must have little or no income. They must have little or no health care.

A high school diploma, or GED, is a 5 point handicap. Being married will be a 5 point handicap.

JS
JS

Being "obviously" pregnant at the time of audtion is an automatic disqualification.  Marriage is a 5 point handicap, unless that's not a dealbreaker for her (if you know what I mean) -- then being married actually is a 5 point plus because I don't have to deal with all the relationship stuff!

Paul
Paul

But what if the father, the husband, the lover and the boyfriend all get along with each other?

PS: I am talking about four separate guys here.

Oak Cliff Townie
Oak Cliff Townie

 Being married to someone other than the Baby Daddy should count for something .

Guest
Guest

"I hate to say this, but in Texas we can fight all day long, but there's a propensity to write us off. They think, 'That's Texas. Texas is a place where those things kinds of things happen.'" Texas is experiencing a little culture shock now with the Feds. Time for Texas to start obeying the laws. All Laws. 

Amy S
Amy S

May the doctor at their next prostate exam have very large hands.

Sa
Sa

And may the doctor "forget" to use lubrication.

jfpo
jfpo

We could require men who want vasectomies to have a dildo shoved their asses, but too many Republican legislators would actually enjoy it.

Montemalone
Montemalone

 They'd have to remove the butt plug first.

Brenda Marks
Brenda Marks

And with nails that have not been clipped in months.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin

well if they hadnt been clipped in months, at least they will be smooth

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