Can Mormons Be Trusted? A Shallow Guide to Managing Your Most Ill-Informed Fears.

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Mitt Romney Campaign
Concerns have been raised over Mormonism's decision to move to Cleveland. Because, you know, it's Cleveland.
​Last month evangelical leaders gathered in D.C. for the Values Voter Summit, where disciples of the Pissed-Off Jesus harrumphed and yammered about how much America sucked. That's when the bomb ignited.

As you no doubt recall, Robert Jeffress was on hand to introduce Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon "cult" members were not only despoiling Broadway, but were actually running for president. "Non-Christians" like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans - and they didn't even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.

If patriots didn't take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics.

The nation was shocked. Until that moment, Mormons were considered a mere nuisance, polite yet pesky young men who came to the door when you were trying to watch Supernanny. Or perhaps they were paid spokesmodels for the short-sleeved dress shirt industry. No one was certain.

But Jeffress uncloaked them as enemies of Jesus. They might even be worse than Muslims, who at least offered competitively priced 40-ouncers of Midnight Dragon at their convenience stores.

So we decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:

Why do Mormons worship Satan?
They don't, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It's just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of Operations here on Earth.

Smith was a magician from Palmyra, New York in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields.

Alas, the buried gem market in Upstate New York wasn't what it was thought to be, otherwise Smith would have found it. So he decided to start an exciting new career as a prophet.

As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from the Angel Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country's earliest civilization.

So you're saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?
No. Schizophrenia hadn't been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of Upstate New York was claiming to be prophets, since it paid better than having X-ray ground vision.

Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a New & Improved Christianity. That's when Smith discovered a second superpower - the ability to decipher ancient languages, which weren't regarded for their penmanship.

He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a "tour de force of ecclesiastical drama."

He had the audacity to rewrite God's words?
Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the My God is Way Better Than Yours Period, a belief still practiced today by great leaders like Rev. Jeffress.

Missionaries were sent out to convert followers. Word reached Ohio that he'd pioneered a fabulous new religion. So Smith teamed up with a preacher there and moved Mormon headquarters to a town outside of Cleveland.

What kind of prophet willingly moves to Cleveland?
Exactly. Though to be fair, this was the 1830s, when Cleveland was still celebrated by Chamber of Commerce types as the "Krakow of the Rust Belt," its restaurants known for serving the finest gruel on the western frontier.

With his flock growing, Smith started a bank. But he was an inexperienced prophet still grasping the subtleties of his all-seeing powers. He failed to arrange a golden parachute. When the bank went bust, he wasn't justly rewarded for blowing everyone's money, as bankers so rightfully are today.

In fact, the flock was pissed. So they kicked his ass all the way to Jackson County, Missouri.



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184 comments
Georgina
Georgina

They don't worship Satan but they only believe that he and Jesus were brothers. They also think that they are wearing a sacred garment just like God's which is referred to as Mormon Underwear.. 

Dennygotout
Dennygotout

As a life long member now EX Mormon the problem most Mormons will have with this is most of the information is fact mixed with sarcasm.  Well done.  From the Mormon perspective never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

John
John

This is not a very accurate account of mormon belief and history. Important relevant context is totally missing...

Stillamormon
Stillamormon

A fine example of cowardly hit-and-run journalism -- only without the journalism ...

Pat Boyack
Pat Boyack

Joseph Smith was a known con man in upstate New York before he became a so called prophet. Look it up. He swindled many saying he knew of a treasure buried in the ground and that he could find it using a special "rod". 

As far as the racism thing, the bottom line is that Blacks were only allowed full priesthood in the 70's. Why? Because they were Black. Mormons are VERY racist. I grew up in Utah, my ancestors came to America in 1855 from Scotland as Mormons. I know Mormons.

mark
mark

We should make fun of everyone who believes that humans should look to sky-fathers for cake. We really shouldn't have people running for president who feel that being dead and going to heaven is better than being alive on earth, because they might decide to stop hanging around waiting for their turn and take us all with them for bonus points.

mark
mark

If you see people living in poverty, do you not try to lift them out?

mark
mark

They're friends/clients/lovers of the Bachmanns, I take it?

mark
mark

Wait, wait, tell me more about this scientific research into Mormonism.

mark
mark

What about all the "God of your own planet" stuff for men, with women aspiring to be wives so they can be eternally pregnant?

MahonriM
MahonriM

Too bad he missed writing about Emma Smith poisoning the coffee of Joseph, her husband in an attempt to kill him. Brigham Young said Emma was evil personified and would end up in Hell.

cp
cp

WOW! One thing's for sure- Mormons have no sense of humor!

Scruffygeist
Scruffygeist

All I want is someone to explain the logistics of a relatively thick book in paper form being in stone tablet form buried on a hill. Were the stones in a very small font, or were there just thousands of them that had to be manipulated, all neatly arranged in a cavern? Were they organized by Dewey Decimal, or some other means? Was this gigantic cavern needed to house thousands of heavy stone tablets lit in any way? Supported by post-and-beam to prevent collapse? Did ole Joe Smith have a handy portable crane for all the stones? Did he first have to massacre all the mole people living there?

Or did he just make up shit to suit himself?

Seems like reasonable questions to me.

DrW
DrW

Even though one could argue with some of the details, this piece contained many essential truths about Mormon history. It accurately reflects how Mormonism is seen by many (perhaps most) of those who have looked at its history in any serious way.

Well done. A great piece of satire.

Its So Sad
Its So Sad

WOW Pete. You really got a lot of reactions. Every writer's dream. congrats!

Fucking hilarious too!

Joseph
Joseph

But Herman Cain will have better slogans.

"Cain is Able"

You voted for Obama to show you aren't racist, now vote for Cain to show you aren't stupid"

"Cain vs Unable"

"Honkies for Herman - 2012"

"My guy is blacker than your guy, Herman for President"

"Everyone in Washington has held public office before... how's that working out for you?"

"No Cain, No Gain"

"I'm voting for the Pizza Guy, He'll Deliver!"

Joseph
Joseph

I won't vote for TheMittster anyway, he has a big head and narrow shoulders.

Joseph
Joseph

The one really sad part of Mormonism is simple. The word of wisdom warns against hot drinks at a time when boiling drinking water would have killed the disease germs that were the cause of death of so many.Wouldn't the taste of coffee or tea have been worth the life of a number of people? After all, on reaching Utah they drank Mormon tea.

Joseph
Joseph

A good thing this guy doesn't know about the Three Nephites. Will make it easier for them to sneak up on him and go PorterRockwell on his gentile Ass.

Phil_Connors
Phil_Connors

I really enjoyed this article. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

RTGolden
RTGolden

It could be argued that Joseph Smith's reported ( I wasn't alive then, so I wont claim to 'know' as so many on here have...) opium use might have had something to do with is visions of angels belonging to civilizations that endured for thousands of years, yet left no archaeological evidence behind.

Dodie
Dodie

Romney is by far the most qualified candidate running for President.  If you believe everything you read about his faith by writers such as Pete Kotz and what Evangelicals are saying,  then you can be assured that Obama will be president for 8 more years.

Emma Snyde
Emma Snyde

LMMFAO!!! That is the best summary of LDS church history I have ever read!  Amusing and accurate in its own slanted way.  

Bart
Bart

Can you trust a Mormon to always tell the truth?Mormon Rule #520"There is a temptation … to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful." (Boyd K. Packer, Mormon Apostle)http://afterallwecando.com/#52...

Peter
Peter

Unlike other self proclaimed prophets (Ellen White of the Seventh Day Adventists, etc.) , Joseph Smith was almost never alone when he received major revelations or angelic visitations. There were a number of people who were with him when he received important priesthood keys such as the Aaronic priesthood, Melchizedek priesthood and the keys to the sealing power.

Go here to read 11 witnesses of the Book of Mormon plates, 3 of which saw an angel.

http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm...

If Joseph Smith was a con man, he certainly was risky about it by getting others involved. There could have been major leaks.

CandidusCA
CandidusCA

This is a satirical piece...lighten up folks. Born and raised in the Church (served a mission and just recently served many years as a bishop) but have to admit that this made me chuckle (almost choked on my spit!). Yes, bigotry is wrong...that's the point of the article. [Although, substitute Jew or Muslim for Mormon in this piece, and the writer probably loses his job.]

Paul
Paul

Excellent satirical piece.  Although satire is a tough one to pull off on religious beliefs, I think that this is a good one.

No one likes to have their bubble burst, but at least the average Mormon (from the ones I've met) is far and above more sincere in their beliefs and the practice of those beliefs than most members of other organized religions.

As one of my theology teachers once told me,  it is possible to have religion with out faith and it is possible to have faith without religion.  Religion is the outward manifestation of a faith.  You cannot always know if that manifestation of faith is sincere.  This was the basis of Jesus's condemnation of the Pharisees.

Darryl
Darryl

great stuff. funny as hell, although huntsman is probably the only republican candidate who has a clue. mormon or not. and how is harry reid a mormon?

Ccleland
Ccleland

Awefuggingtastic. As a former Mormon, I thought it was the funniest thing I have read in quite some time.

DoubleOJoe
DoubleOJoe

Joseph Smith was a morally-challenged con artist out to make a quick buck.

Therefore, Mormons should take comfort in the fact that their religion's founder shares a common heritage with most other religious leaders. 

Phil_Connors
Phil_Connors

It's strange that Mormons don't drink beer when the Word of Wisdom says that mild barley drinks (i.e. beer) are okay.

Scott Rufener
Scott Rufener

Opium use? Never heard about that. Not saying you're wrong, but where'd you read that?

Scott Rufener
Scott Rufener

I think you meant to say "4 more years." Presidents can only be in office for two terms.

The crux of the issue is not whether Romney is qualified, but whether he truly believes the Mormon church's truth claims. If he does, and the president of the church (the "prophet" who they claim speaks to god) receives "revelation" that directs USG policy, then what should Romney do? That's what worries people.

ts
ts

Leave it up to a secret Muslim Kenyan President to repeal the 22nd Amendment.

Phil_Connors
Phil_Connors

Ahh yes, the eleven witnesses--all of which saw the plates with their "spiritual eyes" (whatever that means). And of course, having eleven people claim to have witnessed the plates makes it all true! There is no way more than ten people would EVER collude on something like this (see below).

What's more, if Mormonism is true that means all the religions are false and led by a bunch of liars. You have billions of people colluding to promote false religions (what was that about more than ten people?).

Darryl
Darryl

three of which saw an angel? come on. i had about a dozen beers and saw an angel as well.hogwash.

Scott Rufener
Scott Rufener

Could you please provide links to source documents for your claim that "a number of people were there with him" when receiving the priesthood, sealing keys, etc.?

DoubtingThomas
DoubtingThomas

Which version of the first vision would you like to discuss?

Thomas
Thomas

 Really?  How did Joseph Smith intend on making a "quick buck?" When he sacrificed through hardship and extreme conditions since he claimed he received the plates?  Smith was persecuted severely and was eventually murdered.  Tell us about all of the "plans" he had to make a "quick buck."  And when the "quick buck" didn't appear after 1830, why did he stay with it for another 14 years?

RTGolden
RTGolden

It was a film shown to me in my teenage years.  Documentary by a couple of former Mormons.  Not sure how accurate it was, but at the time I didn't care.  We used to run relief into The Vernal Utah area for the northern Ute reservation and for a lutheran church there.  They couldn't get help, even by paying for it, from the 'charitable' Mormons in the area.  Oddly enough, mormons from my hometown actually helped us running the stuff over there.

steve
steve

Sorry but we also believe in being subject to Kings, Rulers, Magistrates etc...  Living the Law of the land... actually I believe we preach neutrality from the pulpit, we are asked to pray for a righteous decision while voting, so the claim that Romney would possibly choose what the current Prophet said over his personal moral beliefs is a bit silly! Come on let's try to use common sense!As far as "If you believe this or that"  then you're going to Hell etc..."Do not Judge lest ye be judged"  I think that if you all would take the time to pray to "WHOEVER YOUR GOD OR HIGHER BEING"  I don't care who, when where, how you decide to believe in, Just believe in something.  Have a purpose!  Well the prayer or meditation etc..  may just help us to make a more informed decision, quit listening to the rhetoric and believe in something, learn your own opinion, don't just take someone elses opinion as your own!Now that makes no sense and I am certain MANY of you writing on this thread have never attended another religion or maybe not even your own!  lmaoBe original!

steve
steve

Scott are you really that stupid?Let me tell you a true story, I was 10 yrs old and decided to go to VBS with my good friend John and when the lady at Church of Christ Vacation Bible School found out I was LDS/Mormon, she informed me(10 yrs old mind you) that I was going to Hell because I was not Church of Christ?  hmmmm.... so ONLY Mormons think they are right?  lol...Actually Mormons actually think that mostly LDS people will inherit "Hell/Outer darkness" due to the fact they had the keys and chose not to follow the teachings, they know to be true.So actually your stupidity will save you as long as you  take Christ as your savior! 

Joseph
Joseph

Smith was persecuted severely and was eventually murdered.

But he did at least kill two in the gunfight. Probably would have done better if he had not had the bottle of wine the night before, right?

DoubtingThomas
DoubtingThomas

He ruined one bank. Who knows where the money went? He had 30+ wives, 17 in 1843 alone. Lots of good sex I suppose.

Phil_Connors
Phil_Connors

You really need to take a writing class. I'm not even sure why you wrote the last 2/3 of your post.

This illustrates a clash of doctrine (of which there are many) in Mormonism. You believe the prophet talks to God, and therefore what the prophet says is a commandment from God? Right? But at the same time you believe in being subject to earthly authorities. So what happens when they are in direct conflict? If the prophet says do one thing and the government says do the opposite, what do you do? What would Mitt do? (WWMD?)

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