Another Crushing Revelation About Cain

Categories: Get Off My Lawn

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I am in contact with a woman whose identity I have agreed not to divulge, a middle-aged affluent Republican homemaker in the snooty Park Cities portion of Dallas, who says that she has not had an affair with Herman Cain.

Of course I found her story difficult to believe at first, and I have subjected it to rigorous examination, testing the details in every imaginable way. I am now convinced that she is telling the truth.

She is not willing to come forward to tell her story because of her worry that she and her family will be subjected to public ridicule. She fears the reaction of friends and family when they learn of her years-long practice of deception.

"Whenever it came up at book club or the PTA, I just lied about it," she told me. "I said, 'Oh, sure, me too. Lots of times.' I guess I just wanted to fit in."

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Describing herself as a "tried and true life-long Republican," she said, "You can't imagine what a story like this would do to a person in our circles. If the word ever got out, it would just be devastating. And you know how cruel children can be."

I have been trying to persuade this woman to come forward because I think her story is politically significant at a national level. By showing that there are exceptions, I think it puts the lie to some of the aggressive brand-building that Republican women have been engaging in on the Cain matter. If these Republican women were all what they claim, why wouldn't we have seen more of them in the movies?

I have not yet started trying to reach the Cain camp, but I think we know what to expect there -- the same sly double-entendre nondenials of which we have heard so many already: "It wasn't that big a deal," "I barely remember," "She should have paid me."

But I think this accusation -- that there is a Republican woman in Texas who has not had sex with Herman Cain -- is a quite different challenge for the candidate. Now, for a change, the shoe is on the other foot.

To get out of this, he's going to have to have pictures. If he does, I shall admit my error, and we will do a slide show.

Coming up next: My demographic survey to find out how many young Republican children are named Herman or Hermione.


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15 comments
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JOSHUA
JOSHUA

Amazing that not a single women has come forward that ever even Dated Barry Obama, much less having any female sexual relationships! Maybe that is why Michelle has always been so angry and not proud of her nation, no other female except the Mick has even smelled his "skinky feet?"  Funny, until Varerie Jarrett introduced Barry to Michelle in their little law office group, only guys at pick up basketball games and doobie buddies. Not even at Occidental, Columbia, or Harvard...all filled with a lot of very liberal women!  Maybe Valarie and the Chicago mob of politicos saw that Barry needed to be married with two kids to actually become an acceptable US politician, so Michelle was put in charge of bringing Barry into the Chicago machine compliance...the rest is history....and she seems to still be in charge of the Barry....mommy jeans and girl's bicycles and arugula salad and Reggie Love and all....

JimS
JimS

Sure. Could be that. Huge elaborate Manchurian candidate plot. or it could be this -- something I noticed a long time ago. My conservative Republcan friends are the ones with the dramatic lives, the serially  divorced Wellbutrin abusing alcoholic baby-abandoners. My hippie liberal friends are the ones witt the boring lives -- home. marriage, kids, that shit. That theory certainly seems to be illustrated in our presidential politcs, wouldn't you say?

Coleman
Coleman

Herman Cain may be a douche, but man can he lay pipe

TheRealDirtyP1
TheRealDirtyP1

Meh. Give me a JWP update. This Cain guy has nothing on him.

Oak Cliff Townie
Oak Cliff Townie

He ain't Sh*T if he hasn't made a run at a WAFFLE HOUSE BABE..

Schnoodle
Schnoodle

I love these comments!  They are MOST entertaining.  I am happy to report, that I too, am a white female who has not been Cained.

trannyntraining
trannyntraining

These women just got confused, that's all! When he asked them if they were, meat lovers, he was referring to pizza toppings, not his no-no. Classic case of miscommunication. 

Montemalone
Montemalone

Com'on baa-by, have a little taste of Sugar Cain.It's big and sweet, mmmmmmmm.

great stuff
great stuff

This is a great follow-up to Jim's hard-hitting story about the socio-ethical implications of picking up dog shit. Just think, all this great alt-weekly investigative journalism, plus ads for transvestite hookers on Backpage, and it's free - take that, Dallas Morning News!

Pat Boyack
Pat Boyack

The week after Thanksgiving is always slow for investigative journalists. Give Jim a break. And Jim, fear not. The JWP thingy will be a major source after the new year........

VeniVidiDejaVu
VeniVidiDejaVu

When the original accusations of impropriety emerged, Cain's star actually rose in Republican polls. Interesting. Now his star has descended a bit, because Republicans have observed that Nasty Newt is not only a cheater, he ALSO has the added benefit of being convicted of ethics violations. If Cain wants to earn the hearts of good Republicans he is going to have to step up to the plate and prove that he is not only capable of infidelity, but he can also break a few laws. Another wife-cheating is not going to do it; because Newt has raised the bar. Come on, Herman, we know you have it in you! Misappropriate some campaign funds or something.

brett
brett

when you get to bang every waitress at Chotchkies and Flingers, it's a good gig.

jfpo
jfpo

Who knew that being head of the National Restaurant Association would be such a fun job? Cain seems to have gotten more ass than a toilet seat.

Chris Danger
Chris Danger

LOL jim...I love shes the ONLY white republican chick he hasnt laid pipe in...

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