On Tuesday, you'll recall
, Dallas County went under a 90-day outdoor-burn ban, which includes shootin' off fireworks within the city limits. Violators will be popped with a class-C misdemeanor ticket, which will be stuffed into your pocket if you've managed to lose a finger or five. Dallas, of course, is but one of a record 235 Texas counties under such burn bans
. Which is why Stephen Colbert tackled the subject last night -- because placing restrictions on celebrating with fireworks is downright un-American, an attack on "shabby, cash-only roadside shacks that sell Chinese explosives to drunk people."