Baby Buggy Buggers: And You Thought Hummers Were Obnoxious

Categories: Get Off My Lawn

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Went to NorthPark Center in fancy North Dallas a few afternoons ago. Don't go often. Already have all the monogrammed Kleenex I need. But let me ask you something. What is it with the triple baby carts?

You know I'm not making this up. You've seen it. There are people out there who are pushing baby carriages that carry three babies at a time. They look like they got their babies at Sam's Club.

I object. I do. I actually object to the two-fers, which are worse in some ways than the three-fers because the two-baby buggies tend to be side-by-sides. These women push their babies at you like they're driving a damn snow-plow.

I guess their gamble, when they come after me with those big hummers, is that there's no way I'm going to kick a baby. Well, you know what, dear? Don't bet the farm.

babybuggy.jpg
Via.
Let me ask you something else about the ones who have three babies in a stroller. Why do they have three babies? When did that start? Is it something to do with fertility drugs?

That's none of my business, I know. If people want to have their children by the litter, that's their look-out. They get next to me in line, though, and I can't help looking them over thinking, "OK, now, there's always one that bites."

But I get more than nervous when some great big pumped-up Octo-Mom in her workout togs comes at me in a doorway shoving an 18-wheeler load of infants at my shins. It's infant chicken. If I stand my ground, there are gonna be infants all over the highway.

Damn! They always win!

Well, not always. Saw a great shootout just before I left. Here she comes to enter the store: It's 30-something Ms. Fecundity of Iowa 2009 pushing her ram-charged nubby-tired double-wide barrel of babies at top speed with murder in her eye. And who should be coming out the other way to leave by the same narrow doorway? Aha! It's Ms. Down-As-Dirt Late-50s Put-Upon-Daughter of Kansas 2010, pushing her totally out-of-it 90-plus mother or mother-in-law in a beat-up Medicare wheelchair blotched by Ensure stains.

It's tense. The air throbs with dubious odors. Which one will blink? Who will prevail?

Oh, wow! The late-50s lady shoves that wheelchair out there like, "We're ready to die, bitch! Are you?"

Miss Fecundity pauses. She sucks in air! She steers hard to the right to get out of the Ms. Down-As-Dirt's way. Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about! She's a whipped damn dog! I think she kinda whacked that first baby into the plate glass. Of course I feel bad for the baby.

But, man, that was sweet. So sweet. Don't ever put a baby up against an old person. Anybody should be able to figure that out. One old person weighs twice what three fat babies do.

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111 comments
Dgiggles3775
Dgiggles3775

what a jerk. Gid blessed me with twins and I am  proub twin Momma. You got issues and I hope you never end up in a wheelchair beuase you could annoy someone like a hummer

Christy Eaton
Christy Eaton

I have twins also, and your right, whether they are natural or not is none of your business. And just because some moms use fertility drugs, it should not be looked at with negativity.

You have NO idea what some moms have to go through to have a baby. Many suffer pregnancy losses and many other emotionally and physically trying times to have a child, sometimes this does cause a multiple birth- but that is not the intention.

So are you saying that we should just stay home all day. I know quite a few moms with multiples, and I can not see a single one of them acting the way you described.

I love my toddlers and dislike your article.

Tauna R Hopkins
Tauna R Hopkins

I am going to assume this guys is just trying to get attention by being an a** becasue if he had done any research or reading on the subject he wouldn't have wrote this offensive article.

Me
Me

You are all a bunch of fucktards who make me want to load up my double stroller and go run some people over :)

Jennifer Hitchcock
Jennifer Hitchcock

you guys REALLY suprise me!  Sound like a bunch of asses honostly.  I have twins... and just so you idiots know they where natural, NO FRIGGING DRUGS INVOLVED AT ALL!  I have a total of 4 children (9, 6, 2yr old twins), all a blessing fom God.  My stroller for my twins is a side by side as it is easier to move around the store and it fits through single doors easily.  My kids do not, nor do I act like we own the world or the aisle as the case may be.... I have NEVER pushed through the store like i own the joint and people need to get the hell out of my way.  And you know what honostly suprises me?!  the way people like you won't move despite polite and repeated "excuse me"s or just push past us while we are patiently waiting for a busy aisle to open up enough for us to get through safely.  If my children happen to get upset in public then i either escort them out of the store for some time for them to calm down or, as with my older ones, they are talked to and then disciplined appropriatly..

guest
guest

I honestly cannot believe that someone can be so closed minded and so stupid at the same time.  I have twins.  No I did not pay to have someone put them in me.  I have a husband for that.  I did not ask for twins, I did not ask for them to be diagnosed with a potentially deadly disease.  I did not ask for them to born three months early.  All the same I still love them and take care of them.  I do not try to run people over, in fact I try to avoid people and their annoying qustions and stares.  I do my best with my double stroller to get in and out as quickly as possible.  However, I will still go to the mall and I will still go to the park, because I will not change my life so your happy little world stays that way.  I do not let my children get away with everything, and if we could spank in public we probably would, however as soon as we do that we get turned in for child abuse.  I myself was spanked when I was younger and my mom didnt have to worry about.  So before you start bashing parents maybe you should take a look at the big picture.  My parents and grandparents were able to discipline in public without worries and so on and so forth.  I was taught to respect  my elders and to say sir and ma'am.  Now when my children say yes ma'am or yes sir, they get dont call my that, thats for my mother or father.   The point is if you dont know, or havent experienced it, shut up.  Or did your mother or father not teach you manners, the golden rule, how to treat others with respect.  Maybe you were one of the heathen childs you so like to talk about. 

Eg_Milligan
Eg_Milligan

Hey, now there's an idea I haven't thought of. Wouldn't it be great if I were the type of person who just didn't do the things that are hard. Working 60 hours a week is kind of a beating. So is getting everyone to the doctor and dentist. Leaving the house all together is a beating, but there are some things we can't get at Walmart.

Roxanne
Roxanne

And honestly, exactly how much crap do you REALLY need to haul around when taking your kid to NorthPark for a couple of hours? Do you need a Winnebago Stroller® full of baby-related items, when the kid is asleep the entire time? Don't babies just need a diaper and a bottle?

Meeka_The_Princess
Meeka_The_Princess

I was shown this by a friend today, and reading it I can see both sides of the story. I am a mother of twins and I get asked all of the most stupid and rude things. I even get comments made towards me for having two at once. Its not easy being a single mother of two, especially with them being 6 months now, but I work very hard at it. We do go out in public and its hard to get them out there. You should think of the mom, (or dad), who is struggling trying to take care of not only the kids to keep them from being loud, but also to get what they need from the store, keep their bellies full, and diapers (or restroom breaks) a clean and constant thing. Its not easy doing all of this. Now I have seen those parents who will try and run you over just because they have a stroler, and believe me I just want to knock them out one good time and tell them their sh*t does stink and they need to learn some manners. When mine get fussy in a store or where ever we may be at the time, I make a hurry to get us all out of there and to pay for everything in the shortest line possible. Its not like I can go back to the store later due to living a hour away from any town. Now I have been out and seen the kids needed to have their butts tore up for being loud and tearing into things, running into people and making a mess in the store, fighting with one another, and I have said something to the parent about it. Theres not one good enough reason your child should be acting this way.

I have also had people stare at me, make comments, and so on about me having two babies. They have said things from,"Are they identical? How can you tell them appart? I know you were unable to breastfeed! Thank God its you and not me! Are they both boys or girls? How much did you pay to have them put in you?" and then other comments from,"You have two kids? Are they twins? Ohh youre a single mom... wheres dad? Why arent you together? Must suck because no one wants someone with package, especially with two really young ones. Bet they are going to have issues later without a father there to balance out the family." and it gets worse.I tell them not to worry about the father and I, my mom was a single parent and my brother and I are perfectly normal so why wont my kids come out fine? I have a boy and girl, or blue means boy and pink means girl, I have no problem dating I just choose not to, I didnt pay for them but had them the same way your mom and dad got you here, and so on. It seems like people not only dont have respect for the moms but the kids as well. They come right up and try to hold them, touch them, and its annoying. People should think about these things the parent or parents go through, but in the same respect the parent(s) should also controle not only themselves and not push people out the way by using their kids, but controle their kids as well. You have to start teaching them early for them to learn.

James the P3
James the P3

Why is Dallas so full of people who are convinced that theirs is the only lifestyle that is acceptable?

J. Erik Jonsson
J. Erik Jonsson

Whoa!  Love you, JS, but this reads like Grandpa Simpson chasing the Kaiser.

Firefly3612
Firefly3612

Honestly, sometimes us mothers of multiple babies simply have not had enough sleep and have blinders on. All we know is we need to get milk, cereal, fruit, coffee, and creamer! If we do not go and get these things, someone may die.

My twins are almost 4, but I do remember wheeling them through O'Hare at 9 months to go visit grandparents they had never met. I was amazed how I was running pushing 60 lbs to get to my gate and some people would LOOK AT ME and then walk in front of me. I should have installed a horn, and this was not a side by side, so I did not take up too much room. I said, "Excuse us" a A LOT.

But, please, give us a break. If we never take our children out in public, they will never learn how to act in public. If I had not had the opportunity to twice need to put my child in time out on the floor of Menards, they would still act like heathens. But, they do not, nor will they.

Renegade
Renegade

Equally applicable to asshats who walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk/hallway/doorway just so they can continue their conversation with their friend who is walking on the correct side.  I have given up on waiting for them to do the right thing, and just stop and wait for them to move.  Sometimes, I get the incredulous look, like "I really have to get on my side of the road?  I thought it was all about me!"  Sometimes, I get the angry, "Can't you see that my conversation is more important than you?  It's all about me!"  Rarely, I get the, "Oh, my bad, I simply wasn't paying attention to the fact that I was walking on the wrong side."   

Maybe I'm projecting, but I think Jim was railing against the near-complete lack of courtesy spilling over from our roads and parking lots into stroller-operation.  There's probably an anthropology study in there somewhere.  Andrea?   

RS1963
RS1963

The problem at NorthPark (and particularly at Chickfila) is the nannies with all the kids and the strollers and the cell phones and the "I'm the nanny so I just kind of let that kid sit there and kick the wooden bench seat repeatedly for the next 37 minutes". 

Paul S
Paul S

Well we raised our two kids without a single stroller, suv or portable DVD player. Its sad and funny, this life style people think they have to adapt when they become parents; obsessing over percentage charts at the pediatrician's office, getting them in to the "right" day care and, my favorite, having the nanny (au pare if make more than 300K) raise the kids for you and never being able to figure out why you and your kids can't relate.  That being said, there is a tendency to measure all parents by those that you see that are "stupid". I would hate to assume that all single people are like the douchebags I see out and about. We are a society quick to judge, its like a sport, which is why celebrity gossip is such big business. We like to think that, if'n we in someone else's shoes we would do so much better. Truth is we probably wouldn't and there are people out there watching us make poor choices, thinking that they would do better.

Anonymous
Anonymous

Jim-I'm genuinely curious about your selective misanthropy. Homeless people are the "show" but you're willing to avoid the MegaMommies (and I'm not referring to parents of multiples) at all costs? The risk you take when you leave your house is the possibility that you'll have to interact with people. Seriously, there is no excuse for people who hate the world to leave the house at all in this internet age. On the other hand, interacting with other human beings is the only thing that makes life worth living. How many positive endings are there for those people that retreat to the woods to be rid of all contact with other humans and civilization?Luckily, the MegaMommies are incorrigible, so they won't read your column and stay home next time. Myself? I hate going to NorthPark, but the only thing that makes it bearable is lamenting this country's future by looking at the teens hanging out there (as if I wasn't once one of them), making fun of the power walkers, rolling my eyes at the $5,000 stroller with built in porta-potty, and wondering who on earth went to the mall to get a face shave at the Art of Shaving. I'm being completely serious (ok, maybe not about the stroller, but kids in strollers don't really need porta-potties - it's called their pants).On a somewhat related note, I'll call your attention back to this item the next time you make fun of the Park Cities/Preston Hollow crowd for not wanting to be around poor people.

Eg_Milligan
Eg_Milligan

It's not likely that I will. The key to a successful shopping trip with multiples is to avoid eye contact all cost, speak to no one and just keep moving (even if you have to squish a few toes or clip a few grannies along the way). Whatever it takes to avoid Nosey Nelly and her 20 questions.

Here's a thought for all you poor, put-out, free-to-shop-at-a-turtle's-pace-because-I'm-not-having-the-life-sucked-out-of-me-by-twins shoppers: buy your cat toys at the pet store, no M.O.M would dare take their litter shopping there!

JimS
JimS

This was a good day. I came out against motherhood. Tomorrow, apple pie!

Eg_Milligan
Eg_Milligan

As a mommy of multiples, I am pretty offended by this. I rarely take by twins out in public together and almost NEVER take themand their older brother alone. When I do, there is always at least one douche bag that insists on asking, "are they identical"? "No", I say, "one has a penis and the other one doesn't". Do you really think it is enjoyable to shop with one crapping, crying kid, let alone TWO or God forbid, THREE! Give us a break! Do you have any idea what a fiasco it was to get those rug rats to the mall? Do we look like we are enjoying ourselves??? Next time you see a mom pushing her multiples, how about you shut your trap and help her open the frigging door before another moron starts asking ne if I took fertility drugs or just "got lucky"! Lucky? Screw you! Where's my coffee?

Alice Laussade
Alice Laussade

Be comforted knowing that at every point of the day, one of her group has peed-in pants. And it's probably the mom, since there's no way post-triplet-shootout that she can cough without pissing.

Can we petition for smaller doorways? Ya know, big enough to let in The Olds, but not big enough to let in a Triple-stroller-shoving mom's giant, selfish balls? 

rain39
rain39

Jim, I did have that choice.  None or adopt.  I chose 2 for adoption, 3.5 years apart.  They are wonderful kids and grown up now but none would have been a good choice too.  My sister made the 0 choice with the same no baby problems as I.  She has been thrilled. 

JimS
JimS

What a choice to have to make. No baby. Or three babies? I'm glad I didn't have to make that call. Afraid I might have gone for the no-baby-three-kayaks-instead choice.

Joanne
Joanne

Yes, all the 3fers and 2fers are the product of fertility drugs.  I, personally, know 7 sets of parents with twins and one with triplets.  All used fertility drugs.

JimS
JimS

When I started doing this lawn thing, a lot of people called me a libtard. Now they call me a  fucktard. I think I'm moving the ball down the field.

Celticlady527
Celticlady527

So agree with you, until people walk in the shoes of parents with twins or more they have no business of judgement!!!!  It is so true of the fact that we do try to avoid the stupid questions you ignorant people ask us.  People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!!!!!!

Willie
Willie

You mean all the crap I used to shove in my backpack when I was idiotic enough to lug one of my kids around the mall?  Oh, wait, I never took my kids to the flippin mall...who on earth HAS to go to the mall with their baby?  Grocery store might be one thing, but the mall?  Well, there was that one time that the missus and I took our first daughter, when she was just a few months old, to the movie theater to see Pulp Fiction, and our daughter celebrated by cutting a ferociously loud fart, and of course we were sitting behind a couple of Baptists with frozen sphincters who the audacity to not see the humor in this momentous event.

Firefly3612
Firefly3612

No, they need more. Wipes, a toy, a changing pad to lie the child on for changing, a plastic bag for the dirty diaper, a change of clothing in case it happens to be messy, a plastic bag for the messy clothing,  a dry towel and a blanket. The parent may also want to have a place for their drink or snack since their hands are full and they have no other place for their belongings.Honestly, have you ever even known a parent or baby?

observist
observist

Yes, and this only occurs in Dallas.  Everywhere else you go, people are very open-minded and accepting of different lifestyles, but not Dallas,  I wish Dallasites were accepting of minorities like they are in Arizona and Mississippi.  And I wish they would just embrace the McMansions, Hummers and sprawl like they do in Portland.  And be more respectful of tourists and non-city dwellers like they are in New York.  Damn narrow-minded Dallas people.

Rico
Rico

I think there's something in the water.

RS1963
RS1963

I still laugh about an incident in Las Vegas going down one of the crosswalk stairs with a lady screaming "RIGHT SIDE! RIGHT SIDE!!!" at all the people just being aimless.

JimS
JimS

The whole concept -- art of shaving. It's only a matter of time before NorthPark gets a teak-countered leather-bound-book-lined boutique called, "The Art of Elimination."

Anon.
Anon.

If it's such a beating to go to a mall... don't go to the mall.

US175guy
US175guy

You still have hot dogs and baseball yet to go, Jim.  Pace yourself.

TimCov
TimCov

As long as it is against mock apple pie, I don't care. It is either apple pie (which has apples in it) or it is not. As far as someone not liking apple pie, that's their prerogative. I can't stand key lime pie myself.

Matilda of Tuscany
Matilda of Tuscany

I'm surprised you didn't find an opportunity to reference an insult to the French--you are off your game, Jim.  Don't you dare go after Apple Pie.

I know you are kidding, but consider...

As a former Mom of infants and toddlers (we all survived and they are older parasites now), I can tell you that Moms need all the mercy and grace they can get.  You never know what they might be dealing with and how hard it might have been for them to get those kids out the door so Mom could have a breath of poop-free air.  Next time, ask Mom if she needs some help...or a stiff drink.

Also, while there is a lot to be said about bad parenting behavior (yes, I've seen plenty), there are also an incredibly high number of kids with neurological issues that can't be judged from a stranger's glance.  Thank everybody's mass use of chemicals for that.  Please, before you judge, consider what that parent might be going through.  It's hell, and unless you wear a t-shirt that boldly states:  STOP STARING--JR HAS (name your neurological disorder), the stranger can't tell bad parenting from survival parenting.  You really can't begin to imagine the high percentage of survival parenting going on out here in the parenting masses.  The judging glances add to the weight/despair/shame that parent bears.Mercy, grace...they go a long way...

Bob
Bob

Did I miss the news?  Did Andy Rooney finally die?  How could they tell?  Do you really think you have a shot at his slot on 60 Minutes?

Renegade
Renegade

I didn't take the point of the article to be complaining about the existence of the kids.  My read was the parents' lack of courtesy in operating strollers by dirving on the wrong side, jumping in front of other people, etc.  No different than driving. 

JimS
JimS

Ummm. You make several excellent points. If you ever see me, I was just kidding.

Eg_Milligan
Eg_Milligan

And you can take comfort in knowing that all of us selfish, giant balled M.O.M.s with peed-in pants wouldn't blink an eye before running you over with our strollers! I'd rather hang out with anyone that has survived a triple-shoot out over YOU any day of the week! Selfish? Who are you kidding? If we were selfish we would have left them in the car while we shopped! Would that make you happy?

Tsamcq
Tsamcq

How ignorant can you be?  I have twins and not once used fertility drugs.

Jhitchcock3
Jhitchcock3

quick question... Are you just trying to look stupid or do you do it on accident? Old saying, might want to listen....better to be quiet and thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.

guest
guest

for the record I also have twins without the use of fertility drugs.

Me
Me

I also have twins without the use of fertility drugs.  If you weren't sure...mutiples occured before the use of fertility drugs.

guest
guest

I have twins and I did not use fertility drugs.....sorry to disappoint.

cp
cp

I wonder if she uses that mouth in front of her kids.....

Jennifer Hitchcock
Jennifer Hitchcock

oh how about those of us who have to go buy things like clothing and can't afford a sitter....  i have personally taken all 4 of my kids to the mall when needed... and they where all toddlers and infants at one point

Eg_Milligan
Eg_Milligan

Not to mention pacifiers and breast feeding stuff, burp/puke rags, extra pairs of shoes for when they kick them off and they get lost. God forbid being caught with a baby without shoes on in public, you can't imagine the comments and stares that elicits!

Me
Me

I will gladly avoid the mall... but when I need something from the mall, are you going to go shopping for me until my children are 18 and I can go by myself without the risk that you won't like it?

Me
Me

Do you think parents with strollers are the only people with lack of courtesy?  I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed a lack of courtesty by people without children when pushing their grocery carts.

Eg_Milligan
Eg_Milligan

Wrong side, right side, it's a matter of point of view. The right of way goes to the one with the least agility/energy/motivation to move. If you see a M.O.M and her "litter" blocking the path to your luxury locations (book stores, hair salons, perfume counters) you best tuck tail and quickly move. Unless, of course, you want to be the victim if a hit and run. We don't have time to help scrape you off the floor because we are making a mad dash to the car before our breasts, bladders and babies' pants explode! Forgive us.

Jennifer Hitchcock
Jennifer Hitchcock

and then the last time i check identical twins where completely a suprise.... can't do that one with drugs...

Me
Me

And if you've got a problem with that, take it up with God ;)

Mexiicoon
Mexiicoon

I also had twins and had no fertility drugs. Some of us are just blessed with double the love at once.

Jenpuff1229
Jenpuff1229

I think we are only supposed to shop at Wal-Mart, who, by the way, doesnt have a multiple-child-friendly cart, so we have no choice but to put them in the Cadillac-sized stroller and drag a cart behind us. If you haven't tried that yet...well, I can't contain my excitement over the prospect of ever doing that again! Or try driving a multiple-friendly cart at Target. You need a CDL for that!

Firefly3612
Firefly3612

Good point! We do need to cloth our children. It also helps to try shoes on them just like any other human being.

Jennifer Hitchcock
Jennifer Hitchcock

or how about those out alone who just shove past us moms of multiples with double strollers waiting patiently for the way to open up enough we don't squash toes....

Jennifer Hitchcock
Jennifer Hitchcock

i tell my husband it is his fault also... he wanted boys so bad God gave us two at once.  He says it is mine cause i dropped 2 eggs..lol

Eg_Milligan
Eg_Milligan

Haha! My husband and are are still trying to blame eachother!!! He says that it's MY fault for dropping two eggs, I say it is his fault! Just because they were there doesn't mean he had to fertilize them both! Geez! Such an overachiever!!!!

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