Divine Intervention: Last Night's Show Proved Only Charlie Sheen Can Save Us From Ourselves

CharlieSheenaAAC.JPG
A still from the short film Jeff made about last night's "performance," which follows after the jump
It was a Wednesday afternoon, so I traded my neighbor's vintage Fender Telecaster for an eight ball and locked myself in the hallway bathroom. I pulled out the dirty mirror from underneath the sink and chopped up some lines that spelled out the word "WINNING."

This was an important night. I wanted everything to be just right. Once sufficiently tweaked, I plucked Slayer's 1994 album Divine Intervention from the pile and jumped into the Jeep. Upon arriving at the giant building with the red-and-blue "AA" on the side (uh oh, was this a trick?), the $30 for parking seemed like a fair value.

Some people just don't understand Charlie Sheen, and that's because they're stupid. They see the unemployed TV actor, not the humanitarian and hookerman.

They wonder why he lifted his father's stage name and why he lets porn stars raise his kids. Wouldn't you do the same thing? Drugs require one's undivided attention.

This man has a lot to offer the citizens of the United States, particularly our children. Somebody has to teach the kids how to melt down right. The public Crash and Burn is an American art form. We need an example.



Chuck Sheen possesses an incredibly diverse skill set. He can walk, he can talk, he can take off his shirt. He knows how to operate a cigarette. (Of course, because of his immense cultural significance, he is allowed to smoke indoors.) He doesn't even need an opening act. In fact, he doesn't even need an act of his own.

This was VH1's Celebrity Rehab live, only without the three things that hold that particular show back: Dr. Drew, actual rehabilitation, and an audience. This was about Us.

Breathtaking. You should have been there.

Charlie Sheen needs me to like him. He's begging for my love and adoration and our money. What's so wrong with that? He's a politician of the addicted.

Sure, you've already made him filthy rich and kept him knee-deep in meth by watching reruns of Three And A Half Mice (or whatever it's called) for 27 minutes every night on The WB, but you still didn't give him your undivided attention at all times. Not like you should have.

We owe him that. We've yet to build the shrines and statues he so rightly deserves.

We haven't named enough of our children after him.

There is simply so much more we can do. Never mind that the entire audience at AA Center last night would have fit comfortably inside the AllGood Cafe. It's all good.

Sorry, Charlie. We'll get it right someday.
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24 comments
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Graham
Graham

Wow, the guy roasting him stole Jeff Ross' jokes and couldnt even deliver them properly! (google Jeff Ross and Charlie Sheen and you will see that he started these jokes at another show)

Skipdallas
Skipdallas

Megalomania, Delusions of Grandeur, stuck on one half of bi-polar? Charlie, you are one screwed up person! You are not socially redeemable, relevant, or even funny! You are an embarrassment to your family, friends (if you have any real friends left) and to yourself. You Charlie, are a waste of air!

Youaredumb
Youaredumb

What show is 27 minutes long? Use your brain.

Really Charlie???
Really Charlie???

Charlie Sheen has completely lost it man. The man acts like he cares nothing about his soul, not that doing a show about corrupting a child was any better. He's really went over the edge now. Going around the country and showing people what a train wreck he has really became seems to have somehow taken the cake. Charlie if you read this do yourself a favor and get off the drugs, gain some weight and for God sake get a grasp on your life my friend, before it's too late.

Elsa
Elsa

wow bitter much ?It was a great show, the guy is funny and talented ..unlike you.Sorry.

damngina!!!
damngina!!!

given the present level of Dallas doucheness, i was pleasantly surprised to know that this show didnt sell out. American Airlines Center????? Are you serious, what makes him think he could pack out a Chuck E Cheese, not to mention the AAC.....delusionoid!

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

I am still steaming for not getting selected as his new assistant.

Jason Darr
Jason Darr

I had free tickets and I felt ripped off. I summed it up to a friend as "I was hoping it was something I could enjoy mocking. Instead it was like watching hundreds of puppies slowly drowning... then exploding"

Lakewooder
Lakewooder

Who do I write to get 7 minutes and 57 seconds of my life back?

TXGirl
TXGirl

Ya know, I was kinda thrilled when the earthquake hit Japan because that meant Charlie Sheen wasn't all over the TV anymore. This guy is such a douche-canoe.

deadnforgotten
deadnforgotten

What thrilled you most about the Holocaust? Yikes!

TXGirl
TXGirl

Holocaust jokes arent funny, anne frankly, I'm sick of 'em.

deadnforgotten
deadnforgotten

Hey, I heard 250 people died during the latest Tornado rampage. Maybe, this will help with the whole Charlie TV bonanza?

deadnforgotten
deadnforgotten

I know you were just trying to be cutesy, but some of us actually would rather have Charlie on 24hrs then see dear friends pass.

Storm_71
Storm_71

Now that's sheenuis right there.

Oak Cliff Townie
Oak Cliff Townie

$30.00 to park ? Maybe charlie isn't the only one with a problem ?

Steve Sandwich
Steve Sandwich

I bet the audience was a collection of the douchebags and pudgy sluts regularly seen in Dallas Observer slideshows.

phe_75034
phe_75034

I wasn't there, but I'm willing to bet Jeff's write-up is 100 times more entertaining than the "show" was.

Chris Danger
Chris Danger

Charlie Sheen is like watching a live televised trainwreck in progress. Ive had my fill of him, as he's gone from funny to just plain sad with the carnage he's dealt in. Lilies, interesting thoughts concerning his medicine show-level antics.

gabbahey
gabbahey

I still can't fathom why people pay money to see his sideshow on the mainstage...

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