The Schutze Card: Don't Leave Home Without It

Categories: Get Off My Lawn

schutze get off my lawn logo.jpg
Two things. First, I would like for people to quit bitching about my photo. One guy wrote in that he found it "disturbing." Well, WTF, Einstein. It's not meant to be a sympathy card.

Second: Another guy wrote in with a really good idea yesterday. I had written about how the city is persecuting Robert Groden, the Kennedy assassination guy, because he's selling his books and magazines in Dealey Plaza without a Dealey Plaza Literature Sales Permit or DPLSP, which, I should mention, is a term I made up. And here is why I made up such a term:

The city has taken Groden to court on a charge of selling literature in Dealey Plaza without a permit allowing him to sell literature in Dealey Plaza. But there is no such thing as a permit to allow anybody to sell literature in Dealey Plaza.

I was pointing out that this is the kind of Kafkaesque/Soviet bullshit that Dallas City Hall thinks is clever. Fine the guy for not having a permit. But then when he tries to go get one, tell him that no such permits exist.

I had written before about City Hall security and the requirement that members of the press present credentials at certain types of events. But in Dallas there is no such thing as an official press credential. So I said I just make mine on the copying machine with some cheap laminating sheets you can buy by the box.

The reader yesterday suggested that Groden make himself some DPLSPs the same way. After all, he is required to have one. The city won't give him one. But where's the law that says he can't crank some out the same way I do my press credentials?

So it got me thinking. You know what we need to do in Dallas? We citizens need to come up with a general kind of pass or credential for everything.

For example, we could all carry a little card that says "Dallas Citizenship Permit." Then in very fine print on the back, it could say stuff like "Bearer is authorized to sell literature in Dealey Plaza, panhandle out in front of The Dallas Morning News, park in garage underneath City Hall, attend press conferences, provide entertainment for tips on the sidewalk in West Village, criticize the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and generally just walk around without taking a lot of crap from you, asshole."

Ah, well. It might need fine-tuning. I wouldn't want to offend honest cops just doing their jobs. But you get my drift, right? We need to make a statement.

What do you think? I'm taking suggestions.

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36 comments
GAA
GAA

Jim Shutze you are my hero!

Dallas Diner
Dallas Diner

Jim: That's one thing I like about those guys at Ray's, they don't mince words.

Rooster
Rooster

Richie Whitt would tell you that kind of display breeds hatred that causes whack jobs to off politicians. Congratulations Shutze, you're now officially the cause of the next whack job that murders someone with a shotgun.

JimS
JimS

I believe it's wack.

pak152
pak152

who cares I want a copy of that photo minus the name for my computer screen

JimS
JimS

Dallas Diner: You got me. I went into Ray's some time in September, 2005, and told the salesdman I wanted a pump shotgun that would hold more than four shells but not be too big. He turned toward the back and said, "We got any more Katrina guns back there?"Please note, breach open, finger not inside trigger guard. Gun unloaded, of course, which I demonstrated first to the photographer. I just read about those combo flashlight/handgun things they're giving the cops. Jeez. How about a combination baton/grenade. Or sunglasses that shoot bullets when you squint a certain way.

Dallas Diner
Dallas Diner

Hey Jim, did you buy the gun at Ray's?

El Rey
El Rey

If he didn't, then I would bet he borrowed it from Trey Garrison. BTW, good choice, Jim! The Mossberg 500 Defender is a great home defense firearm (I suggest getting the pistol grip and a flashlight mount, though.). The sound of the pump action is typically all that is needed to send a home invader running for an exit!

JimS
JimS

Hey, what about: "President and CEO, Dallas Citizens Council?" Is it a crime to impersonate a member of the Citizens Council? I think not.

Oak Cliff Townie
Oak Cliff Townie

"Rich ?"

All ACCESS DALLAS CIVIC LEADER PERMIT .

Laminated With Lanyard ...

That says Rich and Important.....

And the UBER RICH pass is Invisible because they should already know who you are....

whodunit
whodunit

Don't forget the part that says "as a citizen and a taxpayer, YOU work for me"

Jay Hawk
Jay Hawk

If it will allow free rides on the solar powered water taxis, I'm in.

scott
scott

I want an "ass pass" establishing my asshole credentials clearly for the uninitiated.

Bill Holston
Bill Holston

I'd like to see some modifications. For instance, I'd like to add libtard to my pass

Captcha
Captcha

You owe me a new keyboard.

JimS
JimS

Some great ideas. What about a Rich Pass? It just says, "Rich," on the front. In Dallas, you don't really need to say anything more.

Renegade
Renegade

I suspect Andrea will want some kind of credentialing process, just to verify the applicant makes more than $30,000 a year.

Montemalone
Montemalone

Please make mine wallet sized, pink paper, and use pinking shears on the edges, I like that sawtooth look.

Lakewooder
Lakewooder

Create a CSP [Common Sense Pass]. The DMV could handle it. You'd have to take a test, a variation of the eye test in multiple choice answer format. Step up to the counter and look into the goggles while a series of pictures are flashed before your eyes.

Example:

Pretty picture of river with toll road inside river banks.

A. That's the stupidest effing thing I've ever seen.

B. Great idea. Why haven't I seen this in other cities?

If you clicked A, DMV presents you with your very own CSP. If you clicked B, they appoint you to the City Council.

ChrisU
ChrisU

the homeless could carry a certificate that proclaim the person to be a 'Super Bowl Ambassador'

Hank
Hank

Adding a corporate sponsor would add a certain authenticity - something like, "Dallas Citizenship Permit by Crunchy Cheetos - Dangerously Cheesy".

Buckeye
Buckeye

I find the photo disturbing.

TimCov
TimCov

I find your comment disturbing.

Lolotehe
Lolotehe

It's the pants.

Borborygmus
Borborygmus

The pants look like good old University of Michigan sweat pants. But I'm thinking the robe belongs to the Mrs?

JimmyJohn
JimmyJohn

...or, perhaps, the (other) Mr.?

Titus Groan
Titus Groan

Good idea. We also need to create an annual award for Outstanding Contributions in the Field of Excellence.

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