The Big Uneasy: Super Bowl Fans Just Wanna Have Fun ... What, You Mean, Like, Here?

Categories: Get Off My Lawn

schutze get off my lawn logo.jpg
The Dallas Morning News had another story in the paper yesterday reminding everybody how excited we need to be about Super Bowl XLV in Arlington a month from now. The more of this Super Bowl stuff I see, the less excited and the more pissed off I get.

The story in The News listed various stupid boring events planned to help push up our Super Bowl fever -- an art show of football photographs, an iPhone Super Bowl trivia app, and, of course, a zillion Super Bowl-themed running events.

Meanwhile, the city of Arlington apparently has launched an anti-prostitution police sting campaign and a program to put police booking photos of johns up on billboards along the freeway leading to the Super Bowl. What a wake-up that would be on game day -- enough to make The Hangover look like a Sunday School picnic.

Also meanwhile, a group of high school students is working with a celebrity chef to develop a Super Bowl chip dip prepared entirely of mashed-up healthy vegetables.

That just makes me want to die.

What are we thinking? We think football fans are going to come to Dallas so they can become more aerobically fit, well-informed art connoisseurs who eat vegetable dip? Tell you what. While we're at it, why don't we deputize a committee of grandmoms to meet all the football fans at the airport and invite them to a taffy pull? Or a Super Bowl spelling bee? A Super Bowl Suzuki violin recital? Oh, yeah: How about a big Super Bowl tent revival?

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You know what I'd be thinking if I were headed here from some other part of the country for the Super Bowl and I read about all this stuff? Oh ... my ... gaawd. Put the tickets on eBay, Babe. We're gonna stay home and watch it from the safety of our own La-Z-Boys. At least that way nobody can put our mug shots up on the freeway.

I mean, how can we not get it? When they show up for the Super Bowl, people will be coming here to take part in an activity known in other parts of the country as fun. Fun. Not run. Adult fun.

Let's put the prostitution issue off to one side. Maybe Arlington has a right not to want to be overrun by five million hookers. I'll spot them that. I think we should try to put all the hookers up in hotels in and around the Park Cities anyway, closer to their base. Aside from the hooker question, you know what football fans really need around here? They need a good way to get shit-faced drunk without getting busted for it and sent to jail. And probably in a good many cases they would like to do that at a place with some naked ladies.

They need a wink-wink nod-nod place, a Latin Quarter, a place where they can be naughty. They don't need an iPhone app. What would make them happy is a guaranteed no-bust-'em free bus ride back and forth from the hotel to the naked ladies club. Maybe with a police motorcycle escort to make them feel important.

What about the lady fans, you ask? Oh, by all means, we need to get them out there to the naked ladies club too, so they too can get shit-faced. We can't discriminate based on gender.

Here's my question. Does Dallas always have to play the role of the most out-of-it parents in the world turning high school into a living hell for their own kids?

You know, here's another thought. Dallas could also find ways to just butt the hell out. People coming to a Super Bowl game already know how to have fun. Every little chance we get, we could try to find ways not to ticket them, not to arrest them, not to put their mug shots up on the freeway, and just generally stay out of their way so they can be naughty, naughty, naughty!

And, of course, we must all promise not to watch.


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32 comments
learnhowto
learnhowto

I heard that the final DVD collection Columbowill be out in January 2012. All the Columbo’s avid watchers will definitelywatch out for it. trivia apps

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XEWP7gEu4WZQKWC

Too funny Schutze - Been overseas for three years and it's always comforting reading the Observer to see Dallas and its burbs are still hopeless laughingstocks.

Adult fun doesn't fit into the sanitized, plasticized Six Flags model that N. TX city governments use as a template.

We're all to be treated as perpetual 12 year olds - good clean, politically correct fun only.

Mister_Mean
Mister_Mean

All the to-do about the Supper bowl in Arlington and Dallas’ efforts on putting the best face (laughable) forward reminds me of an old song my mother sang to me once. Found the lyrics and it sort of adds up all my feelings regarding the shenanigans by the city.

AFTER THE BALL (Dismantled Bride)

After the ball was overJenny took out her glass eye.Stood her false leg in the corner,Corked up her bottle of dye.Put her false teeth in the tumbler;Hung her false hair on the wall.All the rest went to the bye-bye,After the ball.

Yep that’s Dallas allright!

Swift1_swift1@yahoo.com
Swift1_swift1@yahoo.com

Why do you always have to knock dallas? Ever Since this stadium was built i always am reminded that its arlington not dallas and its in tarrant county, fort worths private domain. Dallas never had the opportunity to even get to vote on it. You always dallas bash. for the many great points you bring up then you slam dallas. i don't know where you live but if its dallas please move. with citizens like you its no wonder dallas gets a bad wrap.

Constantirritant
Constantirritant

Somebody needed to tell the photographer the name is "Schutze" not "Schutz 'em."

MattL1
MattL1

I'm not sure that there is a worse reputation that a city can get than being thought of as "no fun." Super Bowl reputations stick. Nobody will care how nice our unfinished bridge looks, nor will they give a damn how good and healthy the veggie dip is, if they're bored.

We have one month. Let's see how little we can screw it up. Unless the Packers make it, in which case we're in good shape. Those Sconnies can have a good time no matter what.

3rd Wheel Marketing
3rd Wheel Marketing

Well said.

Also, the city of Dallas has started ticketing the homeless $500 a pop for panhandling. This is so they can round them all up on warrants right before the "Big Game" (That's advertising lingo for super bow-if you can afford usage rights).

Debbie
Debbie

I love Schutze but...

The whole prostitute aspect needs to be addressed in a harsh light. A number of these woman are not the stereotypical 70s style Happy Hooker (re: "Starsky & Hutch" or "The Love Boat") variety but are underage girls held in slavery. See this Dallas Morning News Article for more details: http://www.dallasnews.com/shar...

Lakewooder
Lakewooder

The picture looks like a still shot from a Coen bros film. Sort of a cross between Dirty Harry and my uncle DIngus.

Susan Geissler
Susan Geissler

I can tell you how we are preparing for it over here in the Fort and it isn't with the snooze-fests I've heard about from down I-30 and up 121. The bars & restaurants are stocking up on a enough food and drink to keep three weeks worth of Stock Show participants and fans in a semi-conscious state. We will then re-stock enough food and drink to keep a weeks worth of ESPN Game Day participants, Super Bowl visitors and the AFC champions in a semi-conscious state. Then we hand over the keys to Sundance Square for a week to ESPN, kick back, and consume enough food and drink to stay semi-conscious.

I guess the only event of any consequence that isn't food, drink, live music or football related is that ESPN is having a fight night at the convention center, operating under an assumption that people who like football are probably entertained by boxing too. It's a good bet. And if anyone thinks the we aren't hearing about these so called "fun" events and then muttering "bunch of sissies" under our breath you'd probably be wrong. ;-)

Biggun
Biggun

I think whores are good. And they're even better if they start their training young.

JS
JS

Do you know how many motels in Arlington would go out of business if Arlington got rid of all the escorts? I suspect 25% of them would disappear!

blue pencil
blue pencil

Oh. My. God. You mean someone actually gave Schutze a shotgun???? Even for a photo pose?

Love146 DFW
Love146 DFW

"Maybe Arlington has a right not to want to be overrun by five million hookers." Or maybe Arlington Police recognize that most of these "hookers" are or started out as underage children being illegally trafficked throughout the United States and they're trying to change that. The average age of a trafficking victim (or sex slave) in the US is 13 years old.

For more information:www.Itsnotmyfault.orgwww.love146.org

John_McKee
John_McKee

Personally I am really going to enjoy watching Arlington figuring out that even after scoring the Superbowl Cowboy's Stadium was a bad deal for them and perhaps we can make another step towards recognizing that using large amounts of public funds to advance private ventures (Socialize the risk, Privatize the profits) is foolish and that Dallas not dumping truckloads of cash into Jerry's bank account was actually a good idea.

Anonamouse
Anonamouse

Preach it, brother. Texas is all about drinkin' and shootin' and whorin' anyway, and it sure isn't about veggie-dip. Bring on the bbq and 10- pound cheeseburgers and chicken-fried steak.

I sure miss when the NFL wasn't so image-conscious...

DoubleOJoe
DoubleOJoe

The most prominent ad that I've heard on local radio stations has been promoting a Super Bowl-themed 5K run, community service activities, and an essay contest. Apparently the Super Bowl is being run by a middle school student council.

Heywood U Buzzoff
Heywood U Buzzoff

We need to feed these visitors as many high cholesterol, trans fat stuffed, mega calorie foods as possible to boot the economy. First, it will help the food service industry, second AA can charge more when these fat asses need to buy two seats to fly out of here, and enough of them will spontaneously drop dead of heart failure that rolling their corpses for their money will be much easier.

TimCov
TimCov

I wonder how much of Arlington's prostitution crack down is due to tax revenues. Are they doing extra enforcement of the "modeling studios" east of 360 in Arlington? I would bet they aren't. You know why? Because those places pay taxes to Arlington. Prostitution is competition for Arlington's topless bars and modeling studios. Any money spent on prostitutes is money not spent at tax paying Arlington establishments.

Oak Cliff Townie
Oak Cliff Townie

Don't be making the _uper _owl host committee send you CEASE and DESIST Letter follow me here .......This is how it is

ITS THE SUPERBOWL WHEN GOOD IS SAID ABOUT IT

And big game when the not so nice seedy things are mention.

John_McKee
John_McKee

You mean prohibiting things, particularly on the basis of morality creates a black market with severe unintended consequences as the market can no longer be properly regulated? I'm shocked!

Oak Cliff Townie
Oak Cliff Townie

That speaks more to the Lack of Morals and sick tastes of the MEN who are going to be AT the big game that Sunday.

Than Jim Bringing up.

Daniel
Daniel

Jim is in character as "Dirty Dingus." And when I say Jim is in character, I mean, like, he's always in character.

Daniel
Daniel

Yes, but how much will cover be at Root'em Toot'em's, or at Billy the Kid's Wild West Saloon? Pretty steep, I'd wager.

Rocky Presley
Rocky Presley

Biggun, as stated above, the average age for women to enter into prostitution is the age of 13 according to FBI statistics. There is nothing good about "whores" and it is unbelievable to me that you would make a comment that it is good for a child to be forced into sexual trafficking. But ignorance is why this problem exists.

Daniel
Daniel

Oh, get out of town. The police don't give a shit about human welfare. You new to this planet?

Susan Geissler
Susan Geissler

Not as many as you would expect, at least in my district. However, I'd rather pay a cover at those fictional bars than pay a bunch to be bored stiff. Now excuse me, I have to get on my fictional horse and ride to brunch. ;-)

Rocky Presley
Rocky Presley

Daniel, get informed, and I don't say that to be critical, because the reality is that most American's aren't informed of the epidemic of human trafficking, how Texas is a major contributor to this, and what law enforcement is doing to combat it. They actually care greatly and have delegated a growing amount of resources to the problem. From the FBI to the Texas Attorney General all the way down to local police departments, police are doing what they can to combat the human trafficking that will occur during this event.

Rocky Presley
Rocky Presley

Booger, if it were your 12 year old daughter, maybe you would care.

Booger
Booger

Trying to care...Trying to care...Nope...Not feeling it...

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