The End is Near

Categories: Happy Holidays
Justin Terveen
It took a year, but I now feel the way this woman looked in downtown Dallas last New Year's Eve.

You're now free to get your drink on -- oh, little late for that, never mind. Regardless, we come now to the final posting of the year, a year-ender masquerading as a list of resolutions. No doubt, I've forgotten some of the highlights, lowlights and low lifes of The Year That Was; as always, you're welcome to add to the list, preferably before sobering up.

We'll return on Friday, if not before, and early in the '09 expect a few changes on Unfair Park; the Big Bosses have big plans. Till then, then, a sincere thanks to the Friends of Unfair Park, from the most vocal and prolific of commenters to those who simply stop by when there's nothing else on. And, of course, best wishes for the new year -- it has to be better than this one. Former Dallas resident Jack Ingram, take us out. --Robert Wilonsky


I will stop smoking. But only in bars.

I will not move to Tennessee.

I will look beyond Uranus.

I will learn math.

I will not fire you.

I will break your heart.

I will change my name.

I will not lose things I should win.

I will buy you a better Christmas present.

I will not destroy what few things of value you have left.

I will not sell out.

I will lose weight.

I will welcome you to my zip code.

I will think before I speak.

I will go all sports all the time for no good reason.

I will see what sticks.

I will move a nearby mountainous neighborhood.

I will shut up and do as I am told.

I'll stop being so mean.

I will come out. In favor of tolerance, I mean.

I will stop missing you.

I will stop sending racist mailers.

I will stop making people uncomfortable.

I will stop shooting beams out of my eyes.

I will get this thing looked at.

I will learn how to play well with others, because my very life depends upon it.

I will turn in my assignments only when completed.

I will stop 'Toothing during on-camera interviews.

I will stop singing with mediocre metal "tribute" acts.

I will bail you out, against my better judgment.

I will not give up till I find your DSpot.

I will stop wasting my millions.

I will never, ever sell my English soccer team, mate.

I will stop offering the worst financial advice in the history of money.

I will come out of hiding in the unlikeliest of venues.

I will stop wasting the government's money.

I will stop hanging out in Harry Hines parks.

And I will always love you.
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