Far From Genius

So's you know, we're over reality TV. Because, you're right, it all sucks. Even when locals like Daniel Lewis, seen here, are on. Which is all the time.

Last night’s Shear Genius reminded me of why I stopped watching the first season. It was lamely boring and boringly lame. And thank goodness for DVRs, because if I’d had to wait through commercials to see what non-events would transpire, I wouldn’t have made it through the show; I would have just fallen asleep.

Just to get the Big DFW business out of the way, Daniel Lewis, co-owner of Green Peridot in Frisco, made it to the top two of the shortcut challenge -- a forced client swap between the stylists at unspecified points during their cuts, colors and whatevers -- but lost out to faux-hawked Dee. (In related and still unexciting news, Hair Show Charlie, aka Mr. Obvious, offered mid-show that while all the stylists pretend to be chummy, “We do not like each other” and he and Dee had it out over ownership of the lackluster ‘dos.) Later in the elimination challenge, the stylists had to provide a dramatic change and teach their clients how to recreate the look for the day-after elimination ceremony. Daniel provided a hot little bob with bangs. He was safe but not the winner.

Now the real issue: I have a problem with salon mentor Rene Fris. I don’t doubt the guy’s hairstyling talent, but his on-screen persona is truly bizarre and takes away from the wee bit of pleasure I get watching Shear Genius. He sounds like Peter Cook's priest in The Princess Bride. Denmark upbringing or no, I smell an invented accent lurking. And the nipples! I know I’ve said it before, but someone please hand the man a jacket or a warm compress. Plus, his inappropriate catchphrase of “Go shake it!” is more loathsome than Blaine of the latest Project Runway (an entirely different conversation in disappointment) saying “girlicious” repeatedly.

Oh, but wait, I digress. I forgot the real highlight of last night’s Shear Genius: Despite her offer in the salon lounge during judges’ deliberation, Southern girl Glenn didn’t have to give up her “right tit” to win the elimination challenge. Course, I’m not sure to whom she would’ve given it anyway -- Jaclyn Smith’s got her own, and Fris doesn’t need an additional highbeam.

Now, if bad accents and tit-talk is all I have to dish and bitch this week, Bravo needs to step up their game. --Merritt Martin

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