Gallagher Kills Audiences Dead

Noah W. Bailey
Gallager has actually turned into a sledgehammer, turns out.

Ten minutes into last night’s sold-out (!) Gallagher set at the Granada Theater, I wondered if I’d somehow ended up at Nokia Theater in Grand Prairie for the Friday-night performance by another legendary comedian: Bill O’Reilly. The night started off innocently enough, with Gallagher warming up the crowd by pelting us with candy bars and Twizzlers -- this was looking a little like the merry scamp we’d all grown up on. But then the mustachioed legend began the “real” show, which he kicked off in style by threatening to have a heckler removed five minutes in.

What followed was two hours -- two hours! -- of sexist, racist and homophobic “humor” that brought few laughs and left some of us feeling a little like members of a Tony Clifton audience. In fact, most of Gallagher’s act consisted of the type of “jokes” I’m used to finding in e-mails forwarded from crazy middle-aged Republicans. Like: He chastised the Supreme Court for this week’s landmark decision on Guantanamo Bay before ranting about how Abu Ghraib wasn’t that bad, because being on all fours with a chain around your neck sounds like his idea of a good time.

He also laid into Democrats, making the type of Hillary Clinton jokes even Fox News would frown upon, before claiming Barack Obama was half-Arab (I’m pretty sure he referred to him as a “latte”) and angrily declaring voters were stupid for supporting a guy with “bomb” in his name. We’ll spare you the rundown of Gallagher’s hatred for the French -- save for this one joke, which pretty much sums up the evening: “Do you know the difference between a hard foul and a flagrant foul? A flagrant foul is French, and it’s faggy.”

If it weren’t for the blatant racism we maybe could see Gallagher and Dwaine Caraway hitting it off, however, as Mr. Sledge-O-Matic is no fan of saggy pants, a fact he repeated ad nauseum throughout the evening. The ladies weren’t immune to Gallagher’s fashion advice, either -- if you’re one of the five women who went on stage to subject yourself to wearing men’s underwear as a shirt while Gallagher called you "easy" for showing your bra straps (“I think you’re loose, and I could have sex with you”), I suggest you get the name of a good therapist.

Oh, yeah -- he smashed some fruit or something too. Thankfully it’s hard to get watermelon on your clothes when you’re already in your car, speeding rapidly away from the venue. --Noah W. Bailey/


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43 comments
All People's Rights Now!!!
All People's Rights Now!!!

Very unfair for white comedians they cannot offend the black boy. But black boys like Chris rock can say whatever it wants about white folks the same people who makes him rich... He can run them thru the racial put downs come out a good comedian. And that sucks we need to do something about that!!! Are we as white people the same as all races equal in every way? NO but we will soon as whites get tired of being the black races toilet paper white people it's time to stop being ass wipes and put a stop to black propaganda (web master or who ever be a man or women and post this it needs to be said)......

el oh el
el oh el

When will you self involved Americans learn that you're all retarded. Left, right, centre... you all love the same thing: McDonalds, Walmart, and baseball. Stop worrying about John McCain and Barack Obama and pay attention to the world.

Scott
Scott

The fact that he sold out Nokia just tells me there are a lot of really lame people in Dallas.

Line #1 of the "review": Ten minutes into last night�s sold-out (!) Gallagher set at the Granada Theater,

At the very least in San Antonio, I get to listen to various luscious morons discuss a Mexican comedic genius, that Carlos dude, whom I've never heard of, and I can at least feign interest, while I look at their tits. They're often confused about where he might have rattled off his tedious BS, too. Chicks rock.

hypocritical liberal assholes
hypocritical liberal assholes

As predictable as the sun rising, the first words out of a liberals mouth are "ZOMG!!111!!1 You're teh racist homophobe!!1!1111" After forty plus years of you fuckwits accusing everyone of bigotry at the drop of a hat, the only people who take your accusations seriously anymore are other hypocritical liberals. That you don't see the hypocrisy of accusing others of racism while you vote for the party that inflicts affirmative action and racial quotas on whites and is currently headed by Obama a.k.a The Black Racist Jesus speaks volumes about you. But you should fit right in at Trinity Church with Father Pflegler, making speeches in a phony black accent about how evil those crackers are so you can ease your ever present white guilt.

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

I am glad to see this thread still has life.

Gallagher deserves this much attention. Not since Red Buttons roasted Kip Adotta at the Friars Club in 1972 has a comedian/wordsmith and prop master entertained and educated at the same time.

God Bless Gallagher and God Bless the United States of America.

And fuck every watermelon that comes your way.

TerisaB
TerisaB

My friend was one of the five women who went on stage. (I'll send her my therapists number.) She told us several times how awful Gallagher's B.O. was. HA!

Tony Perkins
Tony Perkins

I was at the Gallagher performance. I brought home some of the watermelon as a souvinear. He was really funny. I loved the part where he stuck that weenie up his butt. Then another. Then another. The only other man I know that can take that many weenies up his butt, is my friend Dick Cheney. You can drive a Mac truck up that MoFo's coco caveran cause it has been plowed more times than the cotton fields of Greenvile Texas.

bruce's lover
bruce's lover

Hey Bruce.I love Gallagher too. I hate everyone who is not white like me and you. I go to church on Sunday's and fuck watermelons on Monday. Let's get together and fuck a watermelon together while watching a Gallagher DVD and a recording by James Dobson.

Do you prefer your melons cold or warm. I can go either way.

When is Gallagher's brother coming to town?

Warhol Reject
Warhol Reject

So do I. That's why I love watching Carlos Mencia. He offends everyone.

Ughh... I used to think Mencia was alright... but then he started going for the lowest common denominator... now I can't stand him... It's not smart humor that takes advantage of stereotypes and other people's ignorance... it DEPENDS on other people's ignorance... bleh...

Tim Covington
Tim Covington

"I love sexist, racist, and homophobic comedy."

So do I. That's why I love watching Carlos Mencia. He offends everyone.

Mayor Tom
Mayor Tom

I need somebody to smash Reunion Arena, any suggestions?

David Dukes
David Dukes

Bruce

And we love you back. Don't forget to hate the mexicans and jews too and tell your wife to clean your robe and we will see you at the next Gallagher Klan meeting.

BTW, we will be fucking watermelons so don't forget your Viagra.

bruce
bruce

I love sexist, racist, and homophobic comedy. I love sexist, racist, and homophobic people. I just dont dig the whole sledge-o-matic thing. Smashing fruit is gay. And why does the grand finale have to be a fucking watermelon? He might as well be smashing fried chicken and collard greens.

Front row
Front row

Oh, and no, he wasn't funny. Hence the hecklers. Once he shut the hell up and start smashing things, it was more enjoyable.

Front row
Front row

You left before the end? You should have seen the bunch of retards who ascended the stage to smash watermelons! They definitely arrived on the short bus! Pretty embarrassing for Dallas, and no wonder Gallagher was in such a pissy mood. With a loser audience like that (with maybe 200 people), no wonder.

Ray Stevens
Ray Stevens

Did Gallagher steal my Ahab the Arab bit? That is comedy gold.

Bobby Day
Bobby Day

I've never been interested in his act until now. THANKS! I'm going to buy tickets to his next show. Sounds hillarious! The best humor has is based on truth. And oh, by the way, most of us Texans don't fall for Osama Obama's islamic agenda. Can you imagine what would have happened in the 1948 US Pres. Election if Harry Truman's middle name was Hitler??? Look at what's happening in the UK right now folks. Just google "islam in the UK". This cult is spreading to the US like wildfire and has already consumed the UK to the point that they are making a separate set of laws (sharia) for muslims. Obama Hussein doesn't pass the smell test folks, WAKE UP!

Joe
Joe

When the government is controlled by conservatives, mass media appears to be full of liberals.

When the government is controlled by liberals, mass media appears to be full of conservatives.

This is only right and proper. The mass media exists as another check and balance upon the government, revealing to the people the inner workings of government and enabling us to make decisions for ourselves as to what path our country should be taking. The media SHOULD criticize the government, just as the people should be telling the government what to do. That's why they exist.

"No government ought to be without censors, and where the press is free, no one ever will. If virtuous, it need not fear the fair operation of attack and defence."-- Thomas Jefferson, 1792

Anonymous
Anonymous

did gallagher really sell his act to his twin brother? i can't find anything on the internet about it.

David
David

Can we get another pic of Lisa Loeb?

knottygirl
knottygirl

I hate getting ranted at in the name of "comedy." If it's funny I don't mind, but so much of the stuff is so bitter and vitriolic and not humorous at all. People want to get a laugh, not get hectored. I suspect that may be why Bill Cosby caught some heat a while ago. For that matter, I didn't care if The Dixie Chicks were embarrassed that Bush is from Texas (join the crowd), but I would've been madder'n hell if I had paid good money to hear them sing in London and then they wasted my time with their political opinions.

chris
chris

Whether gallagher comes from the left or right, the bottom line is that he's just not funny. I'm not really sure he ever WAS funny. The fact that he sold out Nokia just tells me there are a lot of really lame people in Dallas. What a waste of time and money on a washed up hack who has the audacity to call himself a comedian. What's next, you're gonna tell me carrot top is funny?

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

You know, I am not for certain, but I beet if we check with the Guiness Book of World Records we will find that this is the longest thread/conversation that has ever been made about the comedian Gallagher.

Should we be proud of that? or not?

PAK
PAK

"They are certain to loose"

LOOSE: not restrained or confined or attached; "a pocket full of loose bills"; "knocked the ball loose"; "got loose from his attacker"

LOSE:fail to keep or to maintain; cease to have, either physically or in an abstract sense

'I do not agree that the media is liberal."

It's hard to accept the obvious but you honestly can't tell me that the media is conservative or even middle of the road.

pak
pak

"So, homophobic, racist, sexist rants are your"brand of entertainment"?"

no I prefer heterophobic, anti-christian, anti-family sophomoric rants

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

Rawlins

You do have a point I must say.

Sandra was the co host on 40 episodes of a show I worked on. I gather you mean that her humor use to be based more on the irony of subculture i.e. super models, snooty actresses, Madonna, etc and now her show is far more political, i.e. anti Bush/war/evangelicals etc.

Is that what you are saying. If it is I agree with you.

The real irony is that she is one of the most religious and conservative people I know as far as spirituality and family life.

I think it is a big decision a comedian makes when when they chooseto go political. They are certain to loose half of their potential audience.

I do not agree that the media is liberal. Most of it is owned by huge conglomerate giants like GE and those folks know who butters their bread. Even though I am a liberal, I think Keith Olberman is nuttier than Tucker Carlson.

monkey god
monkey god

Conservative and liberals can both be hypocritical.It's all selective memory.The problem is that one wants to blame the other while are country goes down the tubes.No matter what anyone says Washington is niether liberal or conservative,their puppets for lobbyist.We need to make them conservative and liberals again.Don't believe me,I got one word (ethanol).

hypocritical liberal assholes
hypocritical liberal assholes

Most of the media is liberal, but when Fox News comes along liberals shit their panties. Most of the entertainment industry is liberal, but when an old comedian espousing right wing views comes along liberals shit their panties. Just more examples of the liberal credo "free speech for me, but not for thee". There's plenty of worthless liberal shit for you assholes to watch, so why don't you just watch Olbermann, go to your Tim Robbins movie and leave those oh so horrible neocon Bushhitler supporters to enjoy their brand of entertainment and news.

Mark Allen
Mark Allen

What a cutting-edge comedy act, and at such a huge venue. The right wing has really come a long way.

Rawlins Czech Mate
Rawlins Czech Mate

Jett...if you read my post... rather than apparently merely reacted to it....something you and I both eschew... I would think it was plain that I was not complaining about Sandra Bernhardt because my �belief system it is the opposite". In fact I was always a big fan of Sandra Bernhardt's edgy talent. Seen her before. New York. L.A. When she was not talking at and down to me.

Are you nuts? The last time someone lumped me with conservatives was about the era Britney Spears was still bragging about being a virgin despite living with Justin Timberlake. My point was that she (like Gallagher and Miller) was taking an entire auditorium on a self-involved political hostage tour rather than treating her fans with fairness and balance and manners and respect. She made the audience recoil, uncomfortable no less than Dennis Miller and apparently Gallagher, just from the opposite end of the political spectrum. Foul ball.

Of COURSE I knew Sandra and Dennis both would do political shtick. That�s part of their repertoire. And sometimes charm. But this time (unlike their earlier shows times past) that was ALL they did, which was unfair to at least half the audience half the time. And I would hope/think...once the 'humor' became homophobic, over-the-top sexist, racist.... offensive to all......Dems and Repubs. That should be everyone�s �deal breaker� threshold. It's about as funny as the Iraq war. And VERY 20th Century.

Jack E. Jett
Jack E. Jett

I would never waste my time going to seeGallagher, The Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy, Dennis Miller, Bill O'Reilly, Robert Tilton,or Pete Sessions. However, I was a big Tony Clifton fan.

Rawlins, why on earth were you at a Sandra Bernhard show? She is a very outspoken comedian. Why would you subject yourself to her humor when your belief system is so opposite?

So you don't agree with this reviewer's review. There are tons and tons of websites that review and preview artists for conservatives so they don't have to waste there money see people with different views.

If the artists doesn't flip you pancake, then stay out of that coffee shop.

Warhol Reject
Warhol Reject

I hope that photo was taken just seconds before he put that hotdog wiener up his ass... because THAT would be funny, and GAY - The audience would have gone wild! Republicans gone wild! All under one roof! I TOLD you to take your arson kit with you Noah! ;)

monkey god
monkey god

People I know give thanks for the food they eat.I never thought destroying food was funny.I saw his interview with Gordon Kieth and thought this guy's a total flake.

Ed Cognoski
Ed Cognoski

To those Republicans who are defending Gallagher here... do you really want to claim ownership of sexist, racist and homophobic humor? Why not just disown him? Isn't there a family-values comic you can claim as your own instead?

Lane Stevens
Lane Stevens

Never thought the guy was that funny even in the old days, but I must agree with the previous post, had Gallagers tried to joke about the right wing I doubt the critic would have been so harsh.

Ed Cognoski
Ed Cognoski

I guess this explains why I haven't seen Gallagher on late night cable for eons.

Rawlins Czech Point
Rawlins Czech Point

Well, Peter (per Jeff) "spot on". Spot on what? This guy's drool bib?

To counter you point(s), I was just as offended when I was at the Majestic and had to hear Sandra Bernhardt go ON and ON about her slant on politics...which was left of Rosie O'Donnell. And then another night I taken hostage by Dennis Miller who told us during HIS hour tirade against the left that he "would have 'gone down on' Bill Clinton because he was President and there had only been 47 of them...."

Polititcal humor is cool with me and I am expecting little else with say George Carlin. But when did all these others think that their political agenda left or right was all we paid to hear to the exclusion of other material? It is a very uncomfortable feeling to be highjacked and it also feels like a ripoff. You want to laugh, but not at other person's expense when you all paid to be entertained.

Peterk
Peterk

"Of course if all Gallagher did was make jokes about Christians,..."

dang jeff you beat me to it.

spot on comment. lighten up Noah

Jissoji
Jissoji

Gallagher = washed-up has-been. I'm surprised people are still paying to hear this geezer.

Jeff
Jeff

Of course if all Gallagher did was make jokes about Christians, Conservatives, Republicans, and white men, Noah would have nothing but great things to say about him. Sorry, Noah, but your review was nothing but your political persuasion shining through.

Steven R
Steven R

See? There are long term effects from marijuana use.

Catbird
Catbird

I heard that after Gallager graduated from Betty Ford he saw the error of his ways, became a born again Christian and a right wing Republican.

He gets most of his gigs these days from contacts he makes at political fund raisers for folks like Ron Paul, Tom Delay and Dan Quayle.

True. He was a lot funnier when he was a coke snorting, godless, left wing Democrat.

But then again, so were we all.

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