And Now for a Whole Different Kind of American Gladiator Tryout

Categories: News

Forget Vegas. If you need fast cash and are jonesing for a vacation, look no further than your nearest Army recruiting location. In late July the U.S. Army instituted the new “Quick-Ship” enlistment bonus for recruits who report for training before September 30th. You'd best hurry -- only 10 days left!

Not only will you pocket $20,000, within days you’ll be at basic, sweating off all that weight you’ve been bitching about all summer long. Think sculpted arms and washboard abs, the perfect body for the sexy swimsuit you’ve been hiding in the closet while you pine for the perfect vacation opportunity. Here’s your chance. Get lucky, and you might even get to wear it in Iraq, where the weather's hot, hot, hot.

And, sure, there are still bodies turning up in the streets, Iranians smuggling roadside bombs into the country and that nasty business about Blackwater security killing a couple dozen civilians and then lying about it. Look at the silver lining, though: Violence is reportedly at its lowest since 2006! Besides, the media only writes about the bad stuff, right? So join up, get your 20 large and look forward to sipping umbrella drinks out of your standard-issue canteent. According to the local recruiting battalion, 550 recruits have already signed up. --Megan Feldman


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