Be a (Posh) Metal Head

By Robert Wilonsky Wed., Aug. 8 2007 at 4:03 PM

Usually when I get e-mails about facials, I herd them over to the spam folder and try not to look at any attachments, but I figured the one headlined "24k Gold" was probably safe, unless somebody built the Bionic Man and forgot to tell me.

Luxury On Lovers, which is, amazingly, not one of the Observer's back-of-the-book advertisers, but a day spa on West Lovers Lane, claims to be the first in Dallas to offer a skin treatment made of gold called the UMO 24 Karat Gold Facial Treatment. According to the press release, if you're on the receiving end, you get to experience "innovative Asian technology" combined with the "rich, natural healing properties of gold."

This process used to be a bitch since, with gold, "it is very difficult to dissolve and penetrate the skin." (You have seen Goldfinger, right?) What with gold being a solid and all. Before UMO's fancy-pants chemical hoo-ha, "traditional delivery systems" (like QVC?) didn't work. But now you can paste your appetite for needless excess right on your face. Happy day. --Andrea Grimes

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Joe.....

If I worked for D Magazine, I would suggest

"benefacial" as Best New Word by a Dallasite.

My friend Wobert Rilonsky was going to have this done to his penis, but was told it would cost millions to supply all the gold.

jack jett

Peter North

The picture for this item is a screenshot from a scene I did after drinking too much Goldschlager.

Joe

This treatment is exactly as beneficial (benefacial?) to your health as the ionic foot-bath.

In other words, it's absolutely worthless.

In fact, last time I checked, absorbing high amounts of heavy metals into your body was pretty damn dangerous.

guvy

"Usually when I get e-mails about facials, I herd them over to the spam folder and try not to look at any attachments"

Oh snap! Is your stand-up material this fresh?? If so, at what circa-1999 open mic can I find you this weekend?

brukkake

Hopefully the fine staff at Luxury on Lovers will really be able to sell the "rich, natural healing properties" of the facial. They also need to explain how it really is no big deal if it gets in your hair.