How to Wipe a Baby's Ass in Style
Yes, your baby is very cute. You have dressed him/her in a very adorable/fun onesie/twosie with matching hat/shoes. You splurged/saved by buying this adorable/fun outfit at Baby Chanel/Costco, and I think that's stupid/cool. I'm so glad you and your husband/baby daddy/sperm donor were able to get this whole thing rolling after you talked constantly to me/everyone in the world about your attempts at conception for weeks/months/ever.
Congratufreakinglations. You're borderline insane. It probably started when something prevailed upon you to make you want to commit to 18 years of stress and heartache. More specifically, it likely began when, one day, you woke up and thought, "I'd like to see if I can fit something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a quarter in nine months!" But hey, now you've got a squirming, pooping mess to take care of 24 hours a day, and I'm sure you're thrilled.
Irving mom Deborah Stepler is probably thrilled too. Because she's got an entire line of stylishly designed baby changing apparatus called Pineapple Cove Baby, available at local retailers. She calls the infant- and toddler-sized portable changing mats "simply sophisticated diapering accessories." How you could make wiping the back-end of an unruly, naked human in the overcrowded bathroom of the AMC NorthPark AMC or the Skillman/Abrams SuperTarget "sophisticated" is beyond me, but Stepler seems to have improved the unfortunate act just a bit.
The Pineapple Cove changing mats are covered in classy fabrics conspicuously absent of yellow ducks in silly hats, teddy bears with rain boots or elephants in drag or whatever else they're putting on baby products these days. Stepler's designs are covered in chenille patterns, tasteful quilting and stripes -- the kinds of things normal, spawn-free people like to look at. I mean, can your 6-month-old really appreciate the fact that you're walking around town with a giant Dore the Explorer on your bag?
But there the sophistication stops. In a press release sent out this week, Stepler displays some, ah, interesting tactics for being a working mom of two kiddos with a home business. One tip? "There are days when I am wearing a pink cowgirl hat and carrying a Jedi Light saber trying to keep my kids quiet by 'using the force' so that I can take an order over the phone!"
And when that fails? Put 'em to work, Deb! She says, "I am teaching [my kids] the value of the dollar by encouraging my 5 year old to package product ('only 300 pieces left to go sweetheart!')."
It's amazing how fast their little fingers can go, isn't it? I guess kids are useful for something. --Andrea Grimes