Cleanin' Out the Closet

Categories: Happy Holidays

Bible Girl has asked me to post to Unfair Park my (late, whatever) New Year's resolutions that appear in the paper version of Unfair Park -- albeit in the advertorial supplement Resolutions guide, which you might have, like, missed or something. So, after the jump, there they are. And since we're on the subject of late-arriving end-of-the-beginning-of-the-year stuff, here too are the best-CDs-of-2006 lists written by the locals that, for some reason, didn't make the paper version of Unfair Park.

But before you make that jump, let me just guarantee we're not all about that antiquated 2006 shit. Not at all. That's why we're including here a brand-new slow-trancy tune by some girl named Farah, who says on her MySpace page she's from, get this, Plano. Like our pal Chris Cantalini, who introduced us to this would-be Paris Hilton (wuh-oh), we find it hard to believe she's from Plano; then again, she does sound like she's on the junk, so ya's never know. So, fellow Friends, get our yer glow sticks, pacifiers and E and jump on back to 2006.

Bonus MP3:

Farah, "Dancing Girls" (from Farah's forthcoming 12-inch on Italians Do It Better)


New Year's Resolutions


I will stop smoking.
I will not run for mayor.
I will not watch the video of Saddam Hussein's hanging. Again.
I will lose 23 pounds.
I will stop doing Borat impressions. You likes? Nice.
I will learn to hold on to the football.
I will learn how to ballroom dance just for you.
I will find 25 million reasons to hire a new publicist.
I will not drive southbound on the Dallas North Tollway after 4:54 p.m.
I will not coach the Dallas Cowboys next season.
I will learn an instrument.
I will stop blogging about Jessica Simpson.
I will remove my Bluetooth earpiece during church services and sex.
I will not let my husband run for mayor.
I will stop making My Pet Goat jokes when referring to the George W. Bush Presidential Library.
I will make the comics bigger and get rid of the Religion section.
I will catch the ball when it's thrown between my numbers, 8 and 1.
I will stop referring to $60 as "a lot of money" when playing poker with friends who consistently lose $1,000 or more.
I will engage in fear-mongering.
I will get my facts straight.
I will open a record store.
I will start going to Club Clearview more often. (What's that you say?)
I will learn math.
I will send 20,000 more troops to fight the War on Christmas.
I will stop referring to people at Ghostbar as "my fellow douchebags."
I will stop calling Nobu and asking them, "Have you shut down yet?"
I will do the crime, but only if I can find the time.
I will learn to enjoy poetry or die trying.
I will admit that voting for Kinky Friedman was, yeah, maybe a waste of a perfectly good vote.
I will stop blaming the media.
I will get that job at PaperCity this year.
I will stop asking people how their weekend was.
I will expect them to extend to me the same courtesy.
I will stop getting divorced.
I will stop trying to make John Wiley Price like me.
I will work on being named "Texan of the Year." Again.
I will stop listening to Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." If only.
I will stop giving the homeless I.O.U.s.
I will stop hugging co-workers.
I will put more ounce into my bounce.
I will stop drunk-dialing Lupe Valdez at 2:48 every morning.
I will stop getting my news solely from Jon Stewart.
I will stop using the words "holmes," "s'up," "dawg" and "peeps."
I will stop ending phone conversations with my male friends by saying, "No, you hang up first."
I will vote for Zac Crain, unless someone makes me a better offer.
I will stop taking pictures of me and my friends standing next to penis-shaped candles.
I will stop blaming this irrational rage on Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I will take off my tinfoil pyramid hat and admit that humans are in fact causing global warming.
I will stop referring to my drug habit as "me time."
I will personally fill every pothole on Ross Avenue by Passover.
I will stop cockfighting, but not cock-knocking.
I will stop trying to be an "alternaparent."
I will care less.
I will stop meeting people by asking them to "pull my finger."
I will close a record store.
I will stop voting straight Democrat.
I will stop trying to keep Mexicans out of Farmers Branch.
I will go down to Deep Ellum and not be afraid.
I will stop suing the Dallas County jail for being "too sticky."
I will stop referring to city council member Angela Hunt as "my future second ex-wife."
I will stop treating public schools like private schools.
I will stop referring to myself as a "foodie."
I will Run the Rock.
I will stop referring to water pipes as "bongs." (Sorry, people who work at Gas Pipe.)
I will stop panhandling, but not smoking in restaurants.
I will stop watching KXAS-Channel 5 news.
I will stop getting remarried.
I will finally admit that D magazine editor and publisher Wick Allison is right about the Trinity River Project, which will be the most awesomest thing ever until we all drown.
I will stop telling people "Good luck with that rape trial" as they're getting off the elevator.
I will stop pretending blogs are "important" and "well-read."
I will stop wearing a Batman costume under my work clothes.
I will give Craig Watkins a chance, if only because you never know when I will be arrested.
I will stop talking on my cell phone while driving, unless it's a really important call from you.
I will stop referring to my move to University Park from Highland Park as "slumming it."
I will start recycling cardboard so it can be used to help construct the Calatrava bridge.
I will remove Romosexual.blogspot.com from my bookmarks.
I will stop saying everything's a "Man Law."
I will spend more time with the kid and less time writing New Year's resolutions two weeks after January 1.
Fine, I will run for mayor. --Robert Wilonsky

And...

Our Top Albums of 2006

Noah W. Bailey:

1. M Ward, Post-War: College kids will be stealing this from their parents in 20 years. Hearing it will make them cooler. 2. Band of Horses, Everything All the Time: The debut of the year. Never gets old for me. 3. Joanna Newsom, Ys: I drove 500 miles to Marfa to see her play five songs. And I'd do it again. 4. Califone, Roots & Crowns: Once again, Tim Rutilli and Co. drag American roots music kicking and screaming into the future. 5. Neko Case, Fox Confessor Brings The Flood: "Star Witness" is the best love-lost-car-crash song since "Last Kiss." 6. The Theater Fire, Everybody Has A Dark Side: The Theater Fire is the best band in North Texas, and I'll stand on Sorta's coffee table in my cowboy boots and say that. 7. Oakley Hall, Second Guessing: The first of two stellar albums the band released in '06 on which former Oneida member Pat Sullivan and company channel Doug Sahm, Neil Young and Richard and Linda Thompson. 8. Two Gallants, What the Toll Tells: If Townes Van Zandt had ever rocked out and hired a drummer, it might have sounded something like this. 9. Current Leaves, Pastense: The best psychedelic country album since the break-up of Beachwood Sparks. 10. Neil Young, Living With War: I love Neil Young. I hate George W. Bush and his dirty, stinkin' war. You do the math.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Eric Bachmann, To The Races: The voice behind Archers of Loaf and Crooked Fingers beds down in a North Carolina hotel room with a nylon string guitar and a worn-out copy of Nebraska. 2. Ladyhawk, Ladyhawk: Put on "The Dugout," roll down the windows and drive. Try to stay under the speed limit. I dare you. 3. Beirut, Gulag Orkestar: Hey, Borat, I got your gypsy tears right here! 4. Brothers and Sisters, Brothers and Sisters: Country-rock sunshine from Austin. Gram Parsons meets Mama Cass.

Merritt Martin:

1. Andre Ethier, Secondathallam: The Deadly Snakes may no longer be as of 2006, but their tight-fitting denim wears quite nicely adorned with the heart from Ethier's sleeve. Long live blues and barrelhouse piano. 1. Neko Case, Fox Confessor Brings the Flood: Like Ethier, Case appreciates the old-school songwriting and recording. Fox is open-hearted, brutally honest and primed for repeat plays. 2. Destroyer, Destroyer's Rubies: I never really took it out of the CD player, and I was never disappointed. 3. The Paper Chase, Now You Are One of Us: Moments of beauty temper the near un-holy. I love it more with each listen. 4. Califone, Roots & Crowns: Listen to "The Orchids" once and you'll understand. 5. Justin Timberlake, FutureSex/LoveSounds: Shaft, Marvin Gaye, Prince and Mrs. Timberlake had a boy child. His name was Justin. 6. Liars, Drum's Not Dead: Oh, seriously. You've heard it from everyone else on every other blog already. 7. Tom Waits, Orphans : Technically, this isn't a "new" album. But it's written, performed and produced perfection so I really can't leave it off. You want every emotion? They're all on here. 8. The Raconteurs, Broken Boy Soldiers: A perfect blend of accessible pop and interesting rock from musicians that really know how to play their instruments. 9. Thom Yorke, The Eraser: Lead singer of amazing band does solo album that we all, for some reason, wish had disappointed us. But it didn't. It so didn't. 10. Sparklehorse, Dreamt for Light Years in the Belly of a Mountain: Ol' Mark Linkus pops up out of nowhere and freaks the bejeezus out of you with how brilliant a writer he is.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Swan Lake, Beast Moans: Messy, sticky, throw-back awesomeness. 2. Tacks the Boy Disaster, Oh, Beatrice: The debut EP from the Austin outfit is so, quite simply, beautiful it makes me sort of sentimental and proud...of people I've never met. Listen to "Man With a Plan." 3. Various artists, Zealous Records Presents: Soul Sides, Vol. 1: A necessity. "Keep My Baby Warm" by Charles Thomas...uh...well, it just reigns, is all.

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