Open Letter to a Really, Really Bad Audience Member

While this is an open letter to all inappropriate and rude assholes that plague the music venues of Dallas and elsewhere, I would like to take this opportunity to dedicate this letter to a special someone -- the guy in the front row (yep, the front row) during the amazing St. Vincent set at the Granada Theater last night. I would also like to give a written high-five to my fellow crowd peeps with whom I made eye contact during this experience and who obviously shared my sentiments.

To Whom It May Concern,

This is just a suggestion. I don't intend for you to, heaven forbid, alter your patented schedule of binge drinking from Solo cups and scratching your stone-washed crotch. I would, however, love for you to consider that perhaps during certain 45-minute concert sets, you might refrain from practicing your two-fingered whistle, heckling singer-songwriters and generally irritating your surrounding audience members who are actually trying to pay attention to the talented musician on stage.

Maybe you could not shout things like, "Give it up, girl!" (unless in a more appropriate setting, such as a jazz club or open-mike poetry night, where that sentiment takes on a more positive, supportive meaning). Perhaps you could, I dunno, go outside the venue or to another area during the act you didn't come to see, instead of making us painfully aware that you don't want to be experiencing the performance currently underway, despite the fact that you're severly close to the front of the stage.

It might also be a good idea (in terms of karma, of course) for you to not mock a seriously talented guitar player with your bizarre Ren Fest dance moves while she's shredding your face off. Or you could just mug down hardcore with your sweetie after someone who may or may not be writing this missive turns to you and says, "Seriously?! Stop!" and gets the security guy to come dead-eye you for a bit. 'Cause doling out hickeys is also a classy alternative to just being a respectful audience member.

Sincerely,
Merritt