Lookin' Fer Love In All The Wrong Places
In my column this week, I audition for ABC's The Bachelor, joining thousands of women across the country in the quest for true love in prime time. With my love antennae particularly attuned to the plight of the modern mating woman, I noticed that, this year, we're really getting the shaft. (No, not that shaft. That's the problem, isn't it?)
Former Dallas star Victoria Principal -- who, until reading this story, I thought was famous for selling skin care products on home shopping channels -- divorced her husband of 21 years in 2006. Jessica Simpson suffered panic attacks earlier this year in the wake of her split from Nick Lachey, according to the China Daily, my No. 1 news source for reliable celeb info. And, in a crushing blow to women everywhere who didn't want to believe Mike Modano's various sports-related injuries had resulted in complete insanity, the Dallas Star got engaged to Willa "I Wanna Be Bad" Ford, who will obviously be this hot forever. I'd love to be a fly on their porch swing in 2040.
So it's no wonder we're lining up to meet the new Bachelor, Andy Baldwin, right? Where doth any other hope lie? But that takes an awful lot of effort, what with the talking about oneself and dressing slutty and making bikini videos to impress producers. But I bring you tidings of great comfort and joy: Amazingly enough, some people don't have to do much for love. All they have to do is go to the grocery store. Or the gas station. These people are the objects of the affection of our very own local Craigslist "missed connections" folk.
But the most missed thing about the missed connections has to be that people never read them. So I've culled a few from the group in hopes of making New Year's a little brighter for the unknowing hotties out there who have grabbed the attention of, um, the kind of people who post deathless prose about missed connections on a free classifieds Web site.
Attn: Guy at Sonic on Belt Line: "You wait on us every time we come." New cheesecake bites: major aphrodisiac.
Attn: All the Latinos at the RaceTrac at 35/Belt Line. Every last one of you. This poster may be "a little ugly in the face," but...well, read the rest.
Attn: Amy in the Mid-Cities. Your man says, "Friends I know we are." Plz contact Yoda, planet Dagobah.
Attn: Man wearing a suit (um?) at the Cityplace Targhetto: "You helped me find the christmas tissue paper."
And, of course, this poor guy who had an (apparently) wild night at Billy Bob's last weekend: "I NEVER GOT YOUR NUMBER AND WE GOT SPLIT UP AT THE END !!!!!!!!" Young lady, whoever you are, consider yourself lucky. Multiple exclamation points probably don't foreshadow multiple...well, you know.
Everybody will be needing a special buddy this Sunday night, so round 'em up, kids. And somebody let me know if anybody gets a lay out of this. I like to feel like I'm making a difference in this city. --Andrea Grimes