Desmond, um, Tutu?
I take it back. Female sideline reporters are not the biggest wastes of time on TV. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Desmond Howard. Yes, that one. Won the Heisman Trophy at Michigan in 1991. In fact, was the first player to strike the Heisman pose after a score. Pretty cool back then. These days, a total tool.
I was watching ESPN's bowl preview Tuesday night when the analysts were offering their most intriguing matchups. There are a record 32 bowls, so I was pretty much dozing in and out. But then, I coulda sworn I heard this: "In the spirit of the holiday season, I want to see the Holiday Bowl: Cal vs. Texas," Howard says emphatically. No biggie, right? I mean, this is ESPN, not UPN 21. Surely he just left off the "A&M" part. Right?
Continued Howard, "I'd really like to see the matchup with the Thorpe Award-winner, Aaron Ross of Texas, versus an up-and-coming superstar, DeSean Jackson of Cal." Oh, dear. No, Dez, Cal is playing a team from Texas, but not Texas. The Holiday Bowl, a week from tonight on, of all places, ESPN, matches Cal vs. Texas A&M. Already beyond an embarrassing hiccup and heading toward an absolute meltdown, Howard capped his insightful research with one last chestnut of knowledge.
"I'd like to see if Nate Longshore and Marshawn Lynch, the quarterback and running back of Cal, can hit a groove, because that Texas defense is going to be ready for them," Howard babbles. "Now, with Jevan Snead leaving, I don't know what Texas is going to do in case Colt McCoy gets hurt. I mean, the last two times I saw McCoy, he was out of the game."
Confusing the Longhorns and Aggies once is grounds for a couple hours in detention. But offending an entire state via a total lack of research? At Christmas?! Desmond Whatzizname should be fired.
By the way, Texas' bowl game -- the December 30 Alamo Bowl vs. Iowa -- is also on ESPN. --Richie Whitt
Bonus Video: Ace reporting from ESPN's Desmond Howard