Porn is "Boring, Diluted." Unless You're In It, Apparently.

The bod couple: Al Goldstein and Josh Alan Friedman were feted at The Lodge last night. That, my friends, is how you know you've made it.

Wanna know how to keep from winding up homeless and sleeping on the floor of a deli? "Pay attention to the Internet." That was among the more practical pearls of wisdom offered by renowned pornographer Al Goldstein last night at The Lodge, where owner Dawn Rizos feted the fella in honor of his just-published "autobiography" I, Goldstein: My Screwed Life, which was actually written by our old pal, local singer-songwriter and author Josh Alan Friedman. Seems Goldstein, who says modern porn is "boring and diluted" (nuh-unh), blames his plunge from millionaire to alter trombenick on his reluctance to move his skin mag from the printed page to the virtual one--well, that, he says, and he was embezzled from and went through marriages the way Jenna Jameson goes through Double Ripples. But at least Robert Decherd knows what he's talkin' about.

The Goldstein dinner was quite the shindig; if nothing else it provided an excellent opportunity to catch up with Uncle Barky and a few of his former Dallas Morning News colleagues, who turned out for the chance to hang with the man who boasted that he's the only 67-year-old to perform cunnilingus on two women in a porn movie. (Sorry I missed that one.) "I came in second place in the American Association of Retired Persons awards," he cracked, though the joke probably ended after the second word of that sentence. Also turns out he's not a big fan of Ron Jeremy's continued work in the porn industry, despite his being the best man at the first of Goldstein's 42 marriages. "I am so sick of Ron Jeremy's manatee-like body," says Goldstein, who got an amen.

Goldstein, who will join Friedman and myself (oh, lucky myself) tonight for a Q&A at the Art Prostitute in Deep Ellum, is gonna be all over the city today; expect to hear local FM talk-jocks do their best Howard Stern impressions and tee-hee all over Goldstein's tales of wretched excess. But, truth be told, he was an excellent speaker last night, taking questions from the crowd, recounting his various trips to jail for publishing pics of pubes and offering nothing but kind and generous words for his hostess last night. "Dawn has brought dignity to the world of sexuality," he insisted. Well, sure: The Lodge is the only gentleman's club we know of with a library. It's just too dark to read in there. I've tried.

My personal highlight was when Goldstein, perched at the head table like a foreign dignitary, offered to take some queries from the crowd. Ed Bark immediately shot his hand into the air.

"If you raise your hand," Goldstein said, looking right at Ed, "you're a masturbator."

"You're a very perceptive man," Ed said. The dude always was too good for The Dallas Morning News. --Robert Wilonsky

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